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Old 03-28-2011, 01:48 PM   #7281
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An oldie but a goodie:

(note- you can replace the names "General Motors", "Microsoft", and "Macintosh" with the names of any one carmaker and two OS vendors.)
At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
  • For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  • Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  • The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
  • The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
  • Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  • Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  • You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


Another moldy oldie:
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did...

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

----------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"

HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

----------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your cars suck!"

HelpLine: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"

HelpLine: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!

HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

----------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"




Now just imagine if General Motors built cars like Microsoft writes software, and that the same people who answer the phones at Microsoft were answering the General Motors helpline...


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side."

HelpLine: "How did you try to open the passenger's side?"

Customer: "I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side."

HelpLine: "People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way."

----------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I turn my windshield wipers on?"

HelpLine: "There's a little button on the radio console..."

Customer: "Radio console??"

HelpLine: "Yes, it's more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it."

Customer: "And that's the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did."

HelpLine: "People are always asking that. You'd think they'd be more familiar with the principles of graphic design."

----------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens."

HelpLine: "What model do you have?"

Customer: "It's a brand new 1994 Mongoose."

HelpLine: "Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?"

Customer: "I don't know. Let me find out and I'll call you back."

HelpLine: "Alright, but let me tell you you've probably got the small r model. You'll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse."

----------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I just called about the car that wouldn't go in reverse."

HelpLine: "Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that."

Customer: "It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the 'Reverse gear option'."

HelpLine: "Yes, that's the option to upgrade to a reverse gear."

Customer: "Why don't they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?"

HelpLine: "Well, that's very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our 'power drivers'."

Customer: "How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?"

HelpLine: "Ahem. Well, yes, they're not a market leader, they're just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kinds of complicated details, go right ahead..."

----------------------------

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car just caught fire!"

HelpLine: "I see. And what model was it?"

Customer: "1994r Mongoose."

HelpLine: "Big or small..."

Customer: "...small r."

HelpLine: "And your registration number?"

Customer: "426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam."

HelpLine: "And where did you buy your car?"

Customer: "Fast Eddie's Sports-o-rama in Glendale."

HelpLine: "And what was the name of the salesman?"

Customer: "I don't remember."

HelpLine: "I see. Are you sure you didn't steal this car?"

Customer: "Of course I didn't steal it!"

HelpLine: "And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract...?"
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Old 03-28-2011, 02:32 PM   #7282
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There needs to be a Florida Miata Challenge.







Throwing down on track wheels and tires soon!

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Old 03-28-2011, 02:40 PM   #7283
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I kind of want to buy this car and put a Rotrex on it.

http://forum.miata.net/vb/showthread.php?t=414311

EDIT:

No, I don't, I'm not spending $6k on a car with no A/C.
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Old 03-28-2011, 04:46 PM   #7284
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If it is raining when you are driving, turn on your ******* headlights you stupid *************.

Thanks. I needed to vent.
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Old 03-28-2011, 05:27 PM   #7285
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sixshooter View Post
If it is raining when you are driving, turn on your ******* headlights you stupid *************.

Thanks. I needed to vent.
This! Or even when it's dark. Common sense seems to elude people these days.
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Old 03-28-2011, 05:27 PM   #7286
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So, something is bothering me.

In 2010 (both the book and the movie) Dr. Chandra explains HAL's behavior during the Jupiter mission by revealing that HAL had been instructed to keep secret from Bowman & Poole the true mission objective and all information pertaining to the monolith- to lie. As this was in conflict with HAL's basic design, he thus became "paranoid and unable to function."

Just one problem. In 2001, neither Bowman nor Poole are ever seen inquiring to HAL about the nature of the mission. In fact, during the chess game with Poole, HAL raises the subject himself, asking if Poole has ever found odd the circumstances and secrecy surrounding the mission, and Poole doesn't seem to care. It's not until after the (presumably intentional) false failure prediction of the AE35 that Bowman & Poole start asking questions, and by that point it's clear that HAL has already made his opening move.

(Of course, there's also the matter of the magical regenerating pod, but that problem exists only in the films. The novels are consistent in this regard.)
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Old 03-28-2011, 09:32 PM   #7287
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Anyone who has ever claimed to be an enthusist of our kind needs to watch this:

RIP David E. Davis, Jr.
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:36 PM   #7288
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sixshooter View Post
If it is raining when you are driving, turn on your ******* headlights you stupid *************.

Thanks. I needed to vent.
This makes my ******* blood boil. When it rains, probably 1/4 of the cars dont have their lights on. A lot of those are newer cars with auto function. So those people have no excuse. There should be heavy, strongly enforced fines.
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Old 03-29-2011, 12:22 AM   #7289
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhead_318 View Post
Anyone who has ever claimed to be an enthusist of our kind needs to watch this:

RIP David E. Davis, Jr.
Amazing video and narration. It puts into words the beauty of driving and why I love it so much. I actually went for a long drive with no destination tonight across some tight wooded roads and fairly empty highways and it felt so good.
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Old 03-29-2011, 12:23 AM   #7290
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Quote:
Originally Posted by turotufas View Post
There needs to be a Florida Miata Challenge.

That's some really nicely done front aero.
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Old 03-29-2011, 12:54 AM   #7291
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So I'm watching **** like this:


And thinking to myself how the **** someone ends up at that point. Guy was probably RAGING on coke or meff or some ****. No one in their right mind would do that. Even thinking of the forethought of it, how someone ends up at the point where they take a stolen Talon trying to outrun police officers. Even thinking about what those two guys were saying in the car at the time.

****, rambling thought of the night.
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Old 03-29-2011, 01:10 AM   #7292
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rider384 View Post
So I'm watching **** like this:


And thinking to myself how the **** someone ends up at that point. Guy was probably RAGING on coke or meff or some ****. No one in their right mind would do that. Even thinking of the forethought of it, how someone ends up at the point where they take a stolen Talon trying to outrun police officers. Even thinking about what those two guys were saying in the car at the time.

****, rambling thought of the night.

DSM turbo yo!
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Old 03-29-2011, 02:36 AM   #7293
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I'm 99% sure that I'm going to join the Marine Corps after my current semister is over. I'm board as **** with college and want to do something meaningful. Gotta get in better shape first.

AY SIR
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Old 03-29-2011, 02:47 AM   #7294
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I'm a former Marine, feel free to ask some questions.
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Old 03-29-2011, 03:23 AM   #7295
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gearhead_318 View Post
I'm board as **** with college and want to do something meaningful
It's quite obvious that college won't help you much at this point. Good luck.
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Old 03-29-2011, 03:30 AM   #7296
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Quote:
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I'm 99% sure that I'm going to join the Marine Corps after my current semister is over. I'm board as **** with college and want to do something meaningful.
How far along are you in school? Are you doing well academically (apart from being bored to tears)?

I'm just wondering whether completing your coursework and then entering the service by way of OCS rather than enlistment might pay greater dividends down the road. You're already in school, and while I can certainly remember my own college years and how badly they sucked at times, there's something to be said for entering the real world with a diploma in your possession.
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Old 03-29-2011, 10:15 AM   #7297
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I just bought a couple of those rubber anti-fatugue mats from Lowe's. $17 a pop, and they're 3 feet square. Very nice if you have to stand in front of a lathe or mill on a concrete floor (why I got them), but also useful to use as a mat to protect your knees when doing a brake job. Well worth getting one or two.
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Old 03-29-2011, 10:38 AM   #7298
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Quote:
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but also useful to use as a mat to protect your knees when doing a brake job. Well worth getting one or two.
Dude you're doing it wrong.

Just strap on a pair of ***********!

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Old 03-29-2011, 12:06 PM   #7299
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In other news, I want this:

http://bringatrailer.com/2011/03/28/...ab-sonett-iii/



And yes, this is the 2nd or 3rd Sonett on BAT that I've wanted. I think I might have to actually own one oneday. I wish they weren't FWD and gutless, it could be a fun car to do vintage races in.


EDIT: So hot:

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Old 03-29-2011, 01:24 PM   #7300
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