Oil Change For Women
03-18-2008, 10:13 PM
#1
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Oil Change For Women
Oil Change instructions for Women :
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========
Oil Change instructions for Men :2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
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03-18-2008, 10:35 PM
#2
Mmmmmm BEER
Actually the last 2 oil changes where preformed by a local non chain quick lube. I supply the oil, and filter. For 6 bucks they install both, check my trans and diff oils, and drool on my turbo. I typically slip the mechanic a 5 spot. All this is done wile I stand 2 feet away insuring it is done properly. The really screwed up part is, I am a mechanic. I turn wrenches for a living, and I pay some one to change my oil
Actually the last 2 oil changes where preformed by a local non chain quick lube. I supply the oil, and filter. For 6 bucks they install both, check my trans and diff oils, and drool on my turbo. I typically slip the mechanic a 5 spot. All this is done wile I stand 2 feet away insuring it is done properly. The really screwed up part is, I am a mechanic. I turn wrenches for a living, and I pay some one to change my oil
Last edited by Milton Tucker; 03-19-2008 at 03:16 AM. Reason: Consumed coffee, brain cells now moving at a faster pace.
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03-18-2008, 11:05 PM
#6
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Location: Winona, MN
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WOW... thats got to suck! You forgot the part where the old oil ring was stuck to the block and now theres two seals on the filter and on start up all the oil is forced out on to the floor... 
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03-18-2008, 11:07 PM
#7
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Lol, the best part is you can never find the right wrench which is always true, then you just go for the adjustable one, did you put smashing your head on there when you get up?
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03-18-2008, 11:10 PM
#9
As odd as it sounds, i have always changed my own oil on my old miata.
But I have no idea where the oil filter is even located on my 07 Honda CRV. It's always just easier to take it in, plus they wash it and detail it for you when you do it too, and as expensive as oil is getting, you don't save much by doing it yourself anymore. Plus they can do in one hour what it would take me all Saturday morning to do.
I enjoy doing all that to the Miata though. :P I know, weird.
But I have no idea where the oil filter is even located on my 07 Honda CRV. It's always just easier to take it in, plus they wash it and detail it for you when you do it too, and as expensive as oil is getting, you don't save much by doing it yourself anymore. Plus they can do in one hour what it would take me all Saturday morning to do.
I enjoy doing all that to the Miata though. :P I know, weird.
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03-19-2008, 12:58 AM
#14
Ramps and a drain pan make an oil change a quick deal. The only reason it takes more than the 20 minute Jiffy Lube is because I let my oil drain more thoroughly then they do. I also wipe all excess oil spray or w/e kind of mess is on the motor subframe when i'm down there.
Good stuff though.
Good stuff though.
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03-19-2008, 08:56 AM
#17
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funny thing was, juffy lube paid for a new motor & turbo....
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03-19-2008, 09:12 AM
#18
I always do my own oil on whatever my "project" car is, mostly for the piece of mind. The Jeep goes to the dealership where I proceed to get raped for a 40 dollar oil change. The only reasons:
1> The jeep dealership is 30 ft from my house
2> It keeps my *** covered under warranty
3> They tell me when I need new pads/fluids/etc and I just do it. Saves the effort of me looking
1> The jeep dealership is 30 ft from my house
2> It keeps my *** covered under warranty
3> They tell me when I need new pads/fluids/etc and I just do it. Saves the effort of me looking
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