Redistribution of Wealth
 

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-12-27, 1:43 p.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car..

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

Is that for realz? If so that's poetic justice at its finest.

That brought a tear to my eye, if only all criminals should be so lucky. thats restorative justice at its finest

I'd find that dude and finish the job. Because he's sort of a hypocrite/dick. Talking about the author here.

^ You just don't get it, props to this guy if this is real story. What comes around goes around double fold. Great read.

+1 Knife wielding douchebag should have took a different career path.

Ya he should run for "dictator of illinios" i mean mayor of chicago. Then he can legally rob millions of people

Were they less than 21 feet apart?

lol!

story is made up and bs, but boy would it have been epic if it was real

I got sent a similar one well over a year ago.

Bad ass none the less, I am sure that guy got several e-mails lol....21...121 foot rule is what it's about

I'd really like to see that as just the first 40 seconds.

Its most likely bullshit, but still funny nonetheless (also a bit racist)

Racist? Explain.

Well, just the fact that he said that it said "momma" in his phone, makes me think he way implying the fictional mugger was a black man. Obviously all muggers are black men...

Actually no. I did not correlate that.

Thanks for implying that the mugger is black, racist. So the guy must be black because he has the word momma in his phone? Way to go, racist.

Just fyi, most muggers are black. It's not racism, it's a fact.

Jessie Jackson is a Racist:

You know, because black people are the only ones who say "momma".

my rebuttal was better ;)