Advice?
07-28-2011, 03:20 PM
#21
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haha scott... i have no doubt in my mind whatever i do will work. and its not a big deal how i do it... but i have always just had the idea that when i did do it... that i would like it to be memorable... moreso than if i just asked her after we just went for a workout at the gym.
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07-28-2011, 03:27 PM
#22
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Sadly, I think marriage doesn't work.
The main problem is the timeframe: forever. People change and the world changes too.
Another other problem is expectations. Disappointment destroys a lot of marriages.
The last problem is communication. Few people are good communicators and it's likely that you're not either.
How can one say that they are a man if they let their heart dominate their choices?
The main problem is the timeframe: forever. People change and the world changes too.
Another other problem is expectations. Disappointment destroys a lot of marriages.
The last problem is communication. Few people are good communicators and it's likely that you're not either.
How can one say that they are a man if they let their heart dominate their choices?
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07-28-2011, 03:38 PM
#26
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Not the positives and negatives y8. i know that i want it.
Just more of me "venting" my nervousness for actually doing it.... There are no issues with the idea I just dont know how to do the proposal thing.
I just always hear about a friend whos proposal was lame (but worked) and i dont want to do that haha...
Just more of me "venting" my nervousness for actually doing it.... There are no issues with the idea I just dont know how to do the proposal thing.
I just always hear about a friend whos proposal was lame (but worked) and i dont want to do that haha...
Jesus Christ, I cannot stress the above point enough. My wife and I wanted a small ceremony We were both working and going to school at the time, so money and free time were in short supply. Mother-in-law gets involved to "help out", suddenly the guest list quintuples, costs go THROUGH THE ******* ROOF, and everything gets more complicated than it needs to be. We tell her if she's going to continue to meddle, she can ******* pay for it.
Caused all sorts of drama.
Got married at 20, been happily married for 4 years now. No regrets.
Caused all sorts of drama.
Got married at 20, been happily married for 4 years now. No regrets.
We did the latter and it was an awesome party and my wife loved it and all our friends still say how great it was. Even Braineack liked it. he got to pet a goat.
---
shlammed, it sounds like you already know what you want to do. If you've already commited to fixing whatever problems come up instead of giving up and leaving, then you're ready to rock.
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07-28-2011, 04:25 PM
#28
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+1 to y8s.
The parents can get involved. It really depends on both sides of family. How are the dynamics? Fairly normal? Still married? If you both have good relationships with both sides, I'd recommend speaking to her folks and mention your intentions. Heck, even ask for her father's permission. It'll earn respect. Worst case, they lecture you or tell you "no". Probably get some "oh, you're too young" or something along those lines.
If you don't want to, no biggie. You know the people better than any of us.
Regarding the whole asking them/telling they are welcome guests, but if they want to pitch in....well, that's another thing you'll have to feel out. It really doesn't matter except the way you approach it. Be tactful and polite. Or don't even mention money. If they are financially okay, then they may offer to help out. At this point, I would tell them you'd like to plan it with your fiancee, stay within a budget, and take advice from all parents...but that in the end it is still your wedding. You'll take suggestions and work with them (maybe) on somethings, and might not budge on others.
It's when parents are insistent and one of you strongly disagree, that's when stuff gets ugly.
Also, getting married early doesn't really mean that your chances of happiness and staying together is any worse off than someone who waits until they're in their 30s. Stastically...maybe not. However, you both know the dynamics of your relationship better than any of us. If you two are truly happy together and she isn't some WAPCE, then maybe an engagement is in order. I wouldn't blow the bank on an engagement ring either. A loving wife/GF/fiancee will understand that she doesn't need a $7k diamond ring. Heck, how many wives wear their rings after several years of marriage?
Regarding the butterflies...eh, don't worry. Don't even really put too much effort into the wedding planning. Let them take care of most of it. Occasionally say something like "Oh, whatever we do, I need to have this..." and sound like you really care. Even if it's just asking for chocolate pudding to be served during the dinner.
The setting (when/where/how you ask): Don't put too much emphasis on it being so memorable or over-the-top. Heck, if you guys went to see LOTR for your first movie, you could rent it/buy it, and propose while watching. It doesn't have to be OMG spectacular...but you should feel comfy and nervous. At least I think so.
The parents can get involved. It really depends on both sides of family. How are the dynamics? Fairly normal? Still married? If you both have good relationships with both sides, I'd recommend speaking to her folks and mention your intentions. Heck, even ask for her father's permission. It'll earn respect. Worst case, they lecture you or tell you "no". Probably get some "oh, you're too young" or something along those lines.
If you don't want to, no biggie. You know the people better than any of us.
Regarding the whole asking them/telling they are welcome guests, but if they want to pitch in....well, that's another thing you'll have to feel out. It really doesn't matter except the way you approach it. Be tactful and polite. Or don't even mention money. If they are financially okay, then they may offer to help out. At this point, I would tell them you'd like to plan it with your fiancee, stay within a budget, and take advice from all parents...but that in the end it is still your wedding. You'll take suggestions and work with them (maybe) on somethings, and might not budge on others.
It's when parents are insistent and one of you strongly disagree, that's when stuff gets ugly.
Also, getting married early doesn't really mean that your chances of happiness and staying together is any worse off than someone who waits until they're in their 30s. Stastically...maybe not. However, you both know the dynamics of your relationship better than any of us. If you two are truly happy together and she isn't some WAPCE, then maybe an engagement is in order. I wouldn't blow the bank on an engagement ring either. A loving wife/GF/fiancee will understand that she doesn't need a $7k diamond ring. Heck, how many wives wear their rings after several years of marriage?
Regarding the butterflies...eh, don't worry. Don't even really put too much effort into the wedding planning. Let them take care of most of it. Occasionally say something like "Oh, whatever we do, I need to have this..." and sound like you really care. Even if it's just asking for chocolate pudding to be served during the dinner.
The setting (when/where/how you ask): Don't put too much emphasis on it being so memorable or over-the-top. Heck, if you guys went to see LOTR for your first movie, you could rent it/buy it, and propose while watching. It doesn't have to be OMG spectacular...but you should feel comfy and nervous. At least I think so.
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07-28-2011, 05:13 PM
#29
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my 2c.... not worth a penny more.
I don't know many people that ended up being very happy w/ their elaborate wedding ceremonies... they always seem to end up w/ a bridezilla and a lot of expectations broken by the reality of human abilities/monetary limitations or just drama (as previously noted, usually family related)
eloping is cheap... and it was still unpleasant when my daughter barfed on me in front of the JOP. but it was over in like 30 minutes. You can do this and still have a reception for family and friends... My wife is awesome, we didn't have a reception, but we do have some pictures (had one friend go with his fancy DSLR)
I don't know many people that ended up being very happy w/ their elaborate wedding ceremonies... they always seem to end up w/ a bridezilla and a lot of expectations broken by the reality of human abilities/monetary limitations or just drama (as previously noted, usually family related)
eloping is cheap... and it was still unpleasant when my daughter barfed on me in front of the JOP. but it was over in like 30 minutes. You can do this and still have a reception for family and friends... My wife is awesome, we didn't have a reception, but we do have some pictures (had one friend go with his fancy DSLR)
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07-28-2011, 05:18 PM
#30
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Sadly, I think marriage doesn't work.
The main problem is the timeframe: forever. People change and the world changes too.
Another other problem is expectations. Disappointment destroys a lot of marriages.
The last problem is communication. Few people are good communicators and it's likely that you're not either.
How can one say that they are a man if they let their heart dominate their choices?
The main problem is the timeframe: forever. People change and the world changes too.
Another other problem is expectations. Disappointment destroys a lot of marriages.
The last problem is communication. Few people are good communicators and it's likely that you're not either.
How can one say that they are a man if they let their heart dominate their choices?
For example, are either of you in college/university or in the process of finishing some major employment transition? If so, wait until that is finished. It's no guarantee that something else won't change a decade later, but that's a good foundation.
Speaking of that foundation, you have to set expectations clearly and strongly from the beginning. Do you have strong feelings against having children? Make that explicit and clear and make sure she knows she will not change that. If having children is key to her long-term happiness, do not get married.
Same with lifestyle. If she wants to live like a Kardashian and you plan to work like Hank Hill, she needs to understand she will need to be the main income earner.
This all ties in with Fae's last point: clear, explicit communication with a minimum of ego and "games" is the number 1 or 2 factor in a successful long-term relationship.
The key is a blend of the heart and mind.
[Wife and I met before high school, started dating in high school, lived together, married after college, etc. Together for something like 15 years and married for 8ish.]
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07-28-2011, 06:40 PM
#31
The parents can get involved. It really depends on both sides of family. How are the dynamics? Fairly normal? Still married? If you both have good relationships with both sides, I'd recommend speaking to her folks and mention your intentions. Heck, even ask for her father's permission. It'll earn respect. Worst case, they lecture you or tell you "no". Probably get some "oh, you're too young" or something along those lines.
If you must ask her dad for permission due to some sense of regret that you started in on her when whe was 16, then by all means, but don't think for a second that it's going to change his mind about what kind of "man" you are.
Your only other option is to tell your future wife that you want nothing to do with planning the wedding. You don't want to hear about it. You are nothing more than an end-game participant. Colors of flowers, guest-list, location, all that ****... you are not interested. Remove yourself completely from the equation in the exact same manner that I'm telling you to remove the parents.
The months leading up to most weddings are ******* torture for all parties involved. The planning and decision-making is a complete mental and physical drain, even the easy ones, especially when the mother-in-law is a total ---- and your wife feels the need to consult you (although she doesn't give a **** what you think) and then consult the mother-in-law so she can say exactly the opposite of what you suggested.
You want to do your wedding right, start planning now... here's what you do. Get ahold of big-time realty company that does beach-houses in the Outer Banks. Rent yourself 4 or 5 houses in a row right on the beach for a week... the ones that have 8-10 bedrooms each and sleep 20. Plus grab a little 2br cottage close-by for yourself. Have one of your best friends (whoever introduced you two) get himself made a justice-of-the-peace for the day. Have your wedding on the beach and cater everything from the local mexican food restaurant or Costco. I bet you could do it all for about $30k. All people have to do is get themselves there... airfare plus a rental car. The only stress is who gets rooms in what house... let your mother-in-law organize that.
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07-28-2011, 07:28 PM
#32
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Thanks too for feeling sorry. I've put a lot of time and effort into long term relationships and they can be very very hard. Also, the closer you are with someone, the more difficult things will be.
Note that duration should NOT be a success criteria for a relationship. I have witnessed many long-duration relationships and marriages where both people are pretty damn unhappy. People should not necessarily be satisfied with "making things work".
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07-28-2011, 07:48 PM
#35
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The months leading up to most weddings are ******* torture for all parties involved.
[...]
You want to do your wedding right, start planning now... here's what you do.
[...]
I bet you could do it all for about $30k. All people have to do is get themselves there... airfare plus a rental car. The only stress is who gets rooms in what house... let your mother-in-law organize that.
[...]
You want to do your wedding right, start planning now... here's what you do.
[...]
I bet you could do it all for about $30k. All people have to do is get themselves there... airfare plus a rental car. The only stress is who gets rooms in what house... let your mother-in-law organize that.
My alternative strategy? Make sure everyone knows the wedding is a celebration of your relationship with your bride-to-be. Everyone is there to have a good time in your honor and that's it. If you know someone is only going to bring the mood down or cause unwanted drama, don't feel obligated to invite them. Likewise, only invite the people that have had a positive influence or impact on the relationship, not every aunt, uncle and cousin.
My wife and I put on a great wedding for under $5k, calling in some favors, doing some legwork and keeping the guest list to about 35 people.
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07-28-2011, 09:30 PM
#37
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You want to do your wedding right, start planning now... here's what you do. Get ahold of big-time realty company that does beach-houses in the Outer Banks. Rent yourself 4 or 5 houses in a row right on the beach for a week... the ones that have 8-10 bedrooms each and sleep 20. Plus grab a little 2br cottage close-by for yourself. Have one of your best friends (whoever introduced you two) get himself made a justice-of-the-peace for the day. Have your wedding on the beach and cater everything from the local mexican food restaurant or Costco. I bet you could do it all for about $30k. All people have to do is get themselves there... airfare plus a rental car. The only stress is who gets rooms in what house... let your mother-in-law organize that.
you dont have to worry about releasing yourself from the responsibilities of making wedding decisions. it happens all on its own.
only caveat: have the bachelor party at least 3 months before the wedding. DO NOT have it 3 days before the wedding.
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07-28-2011, 10:28 PM
#38
It really frightens me to see opinions towards marriage, and how people respond to someone getting married.
Look i'm 30 I'll be getting married next year. Here is my advice
1) Don't look for it on the internet
2) If you ignore #1 Make sure you and your lady understand that you want to marry each other because you love each other. Not because marriage will bring you happiness all the time. If you accept that marriage will be a hard long tough process and that you will stick with each other because you love each other. Then proceed.
3) Consider marriage prep classes. Make sure you have talked about the roles that family, money, kids, career, will play in your lives. Money is the number 1 issue. (If you are catholic you are in luck you are required too. I and my fiance are really enjoying our classes)
4) Plan early. Our wedding is next June. We have the church, photographs, reception hall, dj booked already.
5) See number 1
ps.
The reception is the biggest cost, but the most important part is the ceremony. Remember IT IS YOUR FUTURE if they love you they wont care. Example no fricking open bar at our reception. If they wanna drink liquor they can pay for it. They will get a few bottles of wine on us at each table and champagne toast.
Look i'm 30 I'll be getting married next year. Here is my advice
1) Don't look for it on the internet
2) If you ignore #1 Make sure you and your lady understand that you want to marry each other because you love each other. Not because marriage will bring you happiness all the time. If you accept that marriage will be a hard long tough process and that you will stick with each other because you love each other. Then proceed.
3) Consider marriage prep classes. Make sure you have talked about the roles that family, money, kids, career, will play in your lives. Money is the number 1 issue. (If you are catholic you are in luck you are required too. I and my fiance are really enjoying our classes)
4) Plan early. Our wedding is next June. We have the church, photographs, reception hall, dj booked already.
5) See number 1
ps.
The reception is the biggest cost, but the most important part is the ceremony. Remember IT IS YOUR FUTURE if they love you they wont care. Example no fricking open bar at our reception. If they wanna drink liquor they can pay for it. They will get a few bottles of wine on us at each table and champagne toast.
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07-29-2011, 12:33 AM
#39
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It really frightens me to see opinions towards marriage, and how people respond to someone getting married.
Look i'm 30 I'll be getting married next year. Here is my advice
1) Don't look for it on the internet
2) If you ignore #1 Make sure you and your lady understand that you want to marry each other because you love each other. Not because marriage will bring you happiness all the time. If you accept that marriage will be a hard long tough process and that you will stick with each other because you love each other. Then proceed.
3) Consider marriage prep classes. Make sure you have talked about the roles that family, money, kids, career, will play in your lives. Money is the number 1 issue. (If you are catholic you are in luck you are required too. I and my fiance are really enjoying our classes)
4) Plan early. Our wedding is next June. We have the church, photographs, reception hall, dj booked already.
5) See number 1
ps.
The reception is the biggest cost, but the most important part is the ceremony. Remember IT IS YOUR FUTURE if they love you they wont care. Example no fricking open bar at our reception. If they wanna drink liquor they can pay for it. They will get a few bottles of wine on us at each table and champagne toast.
Look i'm 30 I'll be getting married next year. Here is my advice
1) Don't look for it on the internet
2) If you ignore #1 Make sure you and your lady understand that you want to marry each other because you love each other. Not because marriage will bring you happiness all the time. If you accept that marriage will be a hard long tough process and that you will stick with each other because you love each other. Then proceed.
3) Consider marriage prep classes. Make sure you have talked about the roles that family, money, kids, career, will play in your lives. Money is the number 1 issue. (If you are catholic you are in luck you are required too. I and my fiance are really enjoying our classes)
4) Plan early. Our wedding is next June. We have the church, photographs, reception hall, dj booked already.
5) See number 1
ps.
The reception is the biggest cost, but the most important part is the ceremony. Remember IT IS YOUR FUTURE if they love you they wont care. Example no fricking open bar at our reception. If they wanna drink liquor they can pay for it. They will get a few bottles of wine on us at each table and champagne toast.
Your answer to "what is love?" will change in a long term relationship. That can and does cause disappointment.
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