A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for ---- sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

 

Wow havent heard that since like 1992. (2nd Grade for me)

 

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.

 

Why did the motorcycle stop running? It was too tired.

 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

 

I honestly just heard that yesterday.

 

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

 

A man walks into a bar...he should have been paying more attention.

 

Two peanuts were walking down the street... One was assaulted.

 

A dyslexic man walked into a bra...

 

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"


Here's one for the well educated amongst us:
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared.

And one for the third graders:
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

And one of my personal favorites:
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club."

 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but first the light bulb has to want to change.

Old Boston one-

How many Kennedy's does it take to change a light bulb?

3 - one to hold the bulb and 2 to drink until the room spins.

 

Q: What do a tupperware bowl and a walrus have in common?
A: They're both looking for a tight seal...

 

Good one!

 

Why was Helen Keller unable to drive a car?

Because she was a woman.