Post your nerd jokes here
10-02-2011, 02:06 PM
#1
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Post your nerd jokes here
I'll start:
A neutrino walked into a bar.
Bartender looks up at him.
Neutrino says "I'm just passing through"
Some Helium floats into a bar.
Bartender growls "we don't serve noble gases here"
He doesn't react.
A definite integral walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila.
Bartender says "Isn't that too much?"
Integral says, "I know my limits"
A superconductor walks into a bar, and gets thrown out by the bouncer.
He didn't resist.
How did the programmer die in the shower? The shampoo bottle said: "Wash, rinse, repeat."
A doctor, an engineer, and a statistician go duck hunting. A duck flies up. The doc and the engineer shoot. The doc's shot goes 10 feet above the duck and the engineer's shot goes 10 feet below duck. The statistician excitedly shouts, "We got him!"
A neutrino walked into a bar.
Bartender looks up at him.
Neutrino says "I'm just passing through"
Some Helium floats into a bar.
Bartender growls "we don't serve noble gases here"
He doesn't react.
A definite integral walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila.
Bartender says "Isn't that too much?"
Integral says, "I know my limits"
A superconductor walks into a bar, and gets thrown out by the bouncer.
He didn't resist.
How did the programmer die in the shower? The shampoo bottle said: "Wash, rinse, repeat."
A doctor, an engineer, and a statistician go duck hunting. A duck flies up. The doc and the engineer shoot. The doc's shot goes 10 feet above the duck and the engineer's shot goes 10 feet below duck. The statistician excitedly shouts, "We got him!"
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10-02-2011, 02:15 PM
#2
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I am literally still laughing about that one!
What's the difference between mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?
A mechanical engineer builds weapons, a civil engineer builds targets.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the deaths of thousands of people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young girl rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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10-02-2011, 02:17 PM
#3
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Two scientists are in a hot air balloon. After 2 hours of floating they lose track of where they are. They see a hiker so they shout "HEY, where are we?!?!" After about 10 minutes the hiker yells back "IN A BALLOON!".
The 1st scientist says to the 2nd, "Great the one guy we run into is a mathematician"
"How do you know that?" asks the 2nd scientist.
"1) because he took forever to answer, 2) he was 100% right, and 3) his answer was completely useless"
The 1st scientist says to the 2nd, "Great the one guy we run into is a mathematician"
"How do you know that?" asks the 2nd scientist.
"1) because he took forever to answer, 2) he was 100% right, and 3) his answer was completely useless"
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10-02-2011, 02:18 PM
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. In fact, now that you've taken up my time, I'm going to be even later meeting my friend!"
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. In fact, now that you've taken up my time, I'm going to be even later meeting my friend!"
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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10-03-2011, 06:53 AM
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2 software engineers are installing Windows. A dialog window comes up and tells them to list the logic units in the computer. “Logic?” Says the first software engineer, “What is that?”. They realize they have no idea, so one of them goes of the see the mech engineer to find out what logic is. “No problem” the mech engineer says, “I’ll explain to you”.
“Do you have an aquarium at home?”
“Sure”
“Then, you have fish in it”
“yes”
“That’s logic.”
“What?”
“OK. I’ll try again: Imagine that you go out with a girl, you take her to an expensive dinner, you then go to the movies and then, you drive her home. As you sit in your car outside her place she asks if you want to come upstairs for a while you say “yes” and expect to get laid, right?
“Sure”
“That… is logic”
“Sweet, got it. Thanks a bunch! “ He goes back to his software engineer buddy. “I’ve got it!”
“Cool, tell me”
“Right, do you have an aquarium at home?”
“No”.
“What? Dude, are you gay?!”
“Do you have an aquarium at home?”
“Sure”
“Then, you have fish in it”
“yes”
“That’s logic.”
“What?”
“OK. I’ll try again: Imagine that you go out with a girl, you take her to an expensive dinner, you then go to the movies and then, you drive her home. As you sit in your car outside her place she asks if you want to come upstairs for a while you say “yes” and expect to get laid, right?
“Sure”
“That… is logic”
“Sweet, got it. Thanks a bunch! “ He goes back to his software engineer buddy. “I’ve got it!”
“Cool, tell me”
“Right, do you have an aquarium at home?”
“No”.
“What? Dude, are you gay?!”
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10-03-2011, 10:32 AM
#6
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A 747 was flying along and was full of Polish people. As they were going past some beautiful landmarks, the pilot came over the intercom and instructed all who were interested in seeing the landmark to look out the right side of the plane. Many passengers did so, and the plane promply crashed. Why?
Too many poles in the right hand plane.
Too many poles in the right hand plane.
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10-03-2011, 10:40 AM
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Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young girl rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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10-04-2011, 04:00 PM
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Two atoms are walking down the street. One suddenly stops and says, "Oh no, I've lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says; "We don't serve infectious diseases here."
The disease replies; "Well, you're not a very good host."
"Get a life?! Im a gamer, I've got PLENTY of lives."
You think YOU have bad lag?! It took Jesus three days to respawn!
Q: How many programmers do you need to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, 'cause it's a hardware problem!
"I'll treat you like I do my homework: I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long!"
"I wish I were your derivitive so I could lie tangential to your curves"
to which the proper response is: "But that would make me your integral and I really don't want to occupy the area underneath you"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says; "We don't serve infectious diseases here."
The disease replies; "Well, you're not a very good host."
"Get a life?! Im a gamer, I've got PLENTY of lives."
You think YOU have bad lag?! It took Jesus three days to respawn!
Q: How many programmers do you need to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, 'cause it's a hardware problem!
"I'll treat you like I do my homework: I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long!"
"I wish I were your derivitive so I could lie tangential to your curves"
to which the proper response is: "But that would make me your integral and I really don't want to occupy the area underneath you"
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10-09-2011, 01:23 PM
#9
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The dairy farmers of a small town in northern California wanted to find a way to make cows produce more milk. Bring progressive-minded folk, they made a trip into the city to visit UC Berkeley.
Their first contact was with the biology department where, after considerable debate, the farmers agreed to sponsor a study into genetically-modified cattle for enhanced milk production. After two years of research, three million dollars spent, and hundreds of protests by Greenpeace and PETA, they came back with a New and Improved Cow. It had a milk production improvement of 3% over the original.
The farmers were somewhat disappointed by these results, but decided to have another go, this time engaging the chemistry department, which promised dramatic results in half the time. A year later, half a million dollars spent, and after the accidental poisoning of a town in western Colorado, they got a 2% improvement in milk output.
In desperation, the farmers paid a visit to the mathematics department. Upon hearing the problem, the group offered to solve their problem for a marginal fee. They told the delegation that they could come back in one week, and the solution would be presented to them. The next week they returned, flushed with anticipation, and were handed a piece of paper with the computations for a 300% increase in milk production.
The paper began: "Consider a perfectly spherical cow, radiating milk isotropically"
Their first contact was with the biology department where, after considerable debate, the farmers agreed to sponsor a study into genetically-modified cattle for enhanced milk production. After two years of research, three million dollars spent, and hundreds of protests by Greenpeace and PETA, they came back with a New and Improved Cow. It had a milk production improvement of 3% over the original.
The farmers were somewhat disappointed by these results, but decided to have another go, this time engaging the chemistry department, which promised dramatic results in half the time. A year later, half a million dollars spent, and after the accidental poisoning of a town in western Colorado, they got a 2% improvement in milk output.
In desperation, the farmers paid a visit to the mathematics department. Upon hearing the problem, the group offered to solve their problem for a marginal fee. They told the delegation that they could come back in one week, and the solution would be presented to them. The next week they returned, flushed with anticipation, and were handed a piece of paper with the computations for a 300% increase in milk production.
The paper began: "Consider a perfectly spherical cow, radiating milk isotropically"
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10-13-2011, 11:18 PM
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The bartender says "we don't serve faster than light neutrinos here."
A neutrino walks into a bar.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender calls them all idiots and pours two beers.
Programmer's wife says to go to the store and get bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaves of bread. His wife asks him why, and he says they had eggs.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender calls them all idiots and pours two beers.
Programmer's wife says to go to the store and get bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaves of bread. His wife asks him why, and he says they had eggs.
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10-14-2011, 12:51 AM
#14
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The bartender says "we don't serve faster than light neutrinos here."
A neutrino walks into a bar.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender calls them all idiots and pours two beers.
Programmer's wife says to go to the store and get bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaves of bread. His wife asks him why, and he says they had eggs.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender calls them all idiots and pours two beers.
Programmer's wife says to go to the store and get bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaves of bread. His wife asks him why, and he says they had eggs.
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10-14-2011, 11:46 AM
#19
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I can't remember the precise name for it, but #2 is essentially a variation on Zeno's dichotomy paradox.
Each mathematician is ordering half as much beer as the previous one. Ignoring the first (who ordered a full beer), mathematicians 2 through ∞ will continue ordering progressively smaller and smaller quantities of beer, approaching a serving of beer which is infinitely small. The sum total of all of their orders combined will therefore approach, but never quite equal, two full beers.
In other words, the mathematicians want 1.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999(...) beers.
The bartender is probably an engineer, as he immediately recognizes that what the mathematicians are asking for is impossible in the real world. He therefore pulls precisely two beers, reasoning that, from a practical standpoint, it is "close enough," and he will let the mathematicians argue amongst themselves about how to divide the second beer into an infinite number of portions while he moves on to more practical things (eg: serving other customers.)
#3 is a joke about operands and operators.
The wife says "go to the store and get bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
A normal person would interpret the latter half of that sentence as meaning "if they have eggs, get a dozen eggs." But if you read that sentence like you would a line of code, the wife never actually changed the operand (the thing being modified) from bread to eggs. She used eggs as a conditional, such that the statement literally meant "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen loaves of bread."
Each mathematician is ordering half as much beer as the previous one. Ignoring the first (who ordered a full beer), mathematicians 2 through ∞ will continue ordering progressively smaller and smaller quantities of beer, approaching a serving of beer which is infinitely small. The sum total of all of their orders combined will therefore approach, but never quite equal, two full beers.
In other words, the mathematicians want 1.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999(...) beers.
The bartender is probably an engineer, as he immediately recognizes that what the mathematicians are asking for is impossible in the real world. He therefore pulls precisely two beers, reasoning that, from a practical standpoint, it is "close enough," and he will let the mathematicians argue amongst themselves about how to divide the second beer into an infinite number of portions while he moves on to more practical things (eg: serving other customers.)
#3 is a joke about operands and operators.
The wife says "go to the store and get bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
A normal person would interpret the latter half of that sentence as meaning "if they have eggs, get a dozen eggs." But if you read that sentence like you would a line of code, the wife never actually changed the operand (the thing being modified) from bread to eggs. She used eggs as a conditional, such that the statement literally meant "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen loaves of bread."
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