The Story of Thanksgiving
 

In 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed the Mayflower across the Atlantic Ocean and landed at Plymouth Rock. It was a mighty rock that inspired awe and wonder. It was the best rock they had ever seen. I mean, this was a mind blowing rock. If you were a rock and you saw this rock, you would feel inadequate and probably get really drunk. So when they saw this amazing rock, Columbus and the other pilgrims knew they had found their new land.

They were escaping the religious tyranny of Great Britain. The Church of England believed Jesus to have a long floofy beard, whereas the puritans believed it was neatly trimmed. Unable to settle this beardy debate, they set sail to find a new land where they could believe Jesus to have any length beard they wished.

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As they began exploring this new land the pilgrims came upon a strange people who wore animal skins and cried at any sign of litter. The head pilgrim, Larry Pilgrimson, made first contact. He declared these people to be Indians. The natives disputed this but after Larry showed them his Ye Olde Apple Maps they agreed that they were, in fact, in India.

The pilgrims and the indians became fast friends and shared their knowledge. The indians taught the pilgrims how to hunt, farm, and make clothing. The pilgrims taught the indians about bearded Jesus and why they put buckles on everything.

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To celebrate their new friendship they planned an epic feast. The indians prepared their finest maize. They filled cornucopias with delicious ripe fruits. They made special buffalo stew and cornbread.

The pilgrims deep fried a turkey and then shoved a duck in it.

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They declared this to be a meal for giving thanks. And it was good.

And the pilgrims and indians lived happily ever after.

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This was the best story of Thanksgiving presenation I have ever seen: I appreciate the blending of modern and classical elements that made it connect on a contemporary level while still maintaining the best of the historical tradition.

I laughed.

I cried.

I wore shoes with buckles on.

Serious post: COOL STORY BRO

Why arent they teaching this version in schools?!
I DEMAND REFORM!