Tell me a story.
 

if only you told me a story...

ok.


story time
once upon a time
there was a dog
it's name was cat
he was a bad dog
he always ate his owners shoes
he pooped on the carpet
he scratched the wood floors
and he ate things he should have
cat was a very bad dog
cat also barked all night long
and was not friendly at all with children
cat also had huge poops
which his owner had to pick up every day
cat smelled bad
and had expensive doctors bills
for when he had to be operated on
for the things he shouldn't have eaten

one night
it was 2am
and cat was barking his fucking head off
as usual
his owner slept with earplugs
because his dog was such a fuck up
the neighbors
they called the police at least once a month
because cat wouldn't shut the fuck up
arf arf arf all night

that night
the neighbors called the cops again
ding dong
DINGDONDINGDINGDONDINGDINGDONDING
ARFARFARFAR BARFFF ARFARFAARFARFARFAR BARFFF ARFARFAARFARFARFAR BARFFF ARFARFA

finally

cat's owner woke up
he walked to the door
"how can i help you officer"
cat lunged forward at the cop
the officer was displeased
cat's owner screamed, "BAD CAT"
and reached for cat's collar

but

he was too slow

cat soared through the air at the cop

now,

so far, i have not mentioned what kind of dog cat was
cat was a fucking american rottweiler
120lbs of pure muscle working dog
cat was a big scary fucking rottie

the cop didn't expect the damn dog to lunge at him
it was 3am
his shift was over at 330
he had already worked 60 hours this week for the overtime
he expected the damn dog owner to control their damn dog
so he was pretty surprised
as the snarling beast of cat rott sailed at him in slow motion
he noticed the saliva on cat's lip, little bubbles
where they were pulled tight against his yellow teeth
now officer jones was no green cop
he'd worked the force for 13 years
he had dealt with hookers, drug dealers, angry wives, gun runners, pimps, car accidents, shoplifters, and yes, aggressive dogs.

But.

it had been a long week

and he was tired

his hand instinctively moved to his hip
his hand touched his gun
and right as his hand touched his gun
Cat's teeth clamped down with fury around his neck
jones was knocked to the ground
blood spurted into cats mouth
flowing hot out of jones' neck
cat clamped harder and twisted and shook his head
jones' hand moved with instinct, despite the trauma
unholstering his gun, he shot cat

again

and again

and again
in the gut of the damn dog

cat's owner stopped screaming
as one of the bullets crashed through his face, exiting the rear of his skull

cat didn't release

he shook harder

"stupid fucking dog"
jones thought
he put the gun to cats trashing head
and blew the damn dog's brains all over the walk

cat was still
as his owner collapsed in the entry way, dead.

jones started to push cat's huge dog corpse off his chest
struggling, his head turned to the side
the damn ground was so wet
and so was his hair
he felt weak
god damn it

i had a nice bucket of rocky road in the freezer

he thought

and then he died


The End.

TL;DR

Your mom is a whore.

The End

I got an idea for a movie, and it goes like this:

It's about a boy who gets his finger caught in In a bottle of Mr. Pibb and they go on adventures.

I think it could be big. Is it too soon to whisper Oscar? Put a happy ending there and it'll write itself, I swear.

All we need are some meetings and a lead and we need some trick photography.

Oh, and I forgot one thing about the guy who gained the ability to fly, it was actually only for a foot or two and only an inch or so high.

That story hurt my eyes to read.

how i got my gf. this happened when i lived in cali.

this is gonna be long...deal with it.

i have a co-worker named john (not his real name). a few months ago, he moved in to my apartment complex…two fucking doors down. whatever. he’s whatever. his dogs are whatever. but i’ll be nice to him, i’ll get a long with him. whatever.

he has this gf, let’s call her jack (cause that’s how she’s listed in my phone just in case he’s ever looking at my phone…lololol). they’ve been together for 8 months. i’ve never seen any sort of chemistry between them ever. fast forward to the weekend, he breaks up with her. he and i are talking about her, and he tells me that now she’s either moving to san diego or to pennsylvania…so i ask him, wtf??? pa?

he says he doesn’t know where. doesn’t matter. he’s been giving me rides to work, which makes this even more interesting.

i send her message next day through facebook asking, “san diego or pa?”

she sends me friend request, now i can see her pictures. yay!

fast forward another couple of days, and i invite her over to my place for dinner. i had made tons of food for my friends and i, and i umm…wanna put my penis in her. she sends me message with her number and says call me. first thing i say, is come over, be careful of john, bring a bathing suit, we’re going in the hot tub.

she comes over, stays until like 2am, my friends left at like 12. no, i didn’t do anything, except set up the next day. i said, you better be here tomorrow, and bring some clothes, cause you ain’t leaving.

this was last night. she spent the night, at one point the conversation in the bed happened like this…”i need to move this body pillow from between, let’s cuddle baby.”

hahahahhaha.

i get woken up by john. he calls me and says, “IS JACK IN THERE”

i lie to his face about 3-4 times and he leaves. i try and go back to sleep, this was 6am. at around 645, he’s at my window/door yelling for her. “JACK, JACK, JACK…I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE, I CAN SEE THE REFLECTION MOVING ON THE DOOR. JACK, COME ON…I JUST WANT TO TALK.”

so i have to wait more. at this point, i’m wide awake, gtar (my internet friend) was texting me, jack and i are cuddling, john is going nuts at my door. i wait…don’t hear shit for 10 minutes, and i bounce from my apt. jack’s like, “i’m sorry.”

phillyb replies with, “i love drama baby.”
i get to fucking work, and within two minutes of me being there, he comes up to my office and starts asking me more shit. “phil, why would her car be there? what would she be doing? my mind is racing.”

i try to explain that i can understand what he’s going through, having just gone through a break up myself and having to deal with the fact that my ex has moved on to a new bf and shit just happens. and i gotta deal with it.

one of the things i failed to mention about an earlier discussion outside my apt was the phrase, “i don’t know whether or not to break your face, phil.”

so, in my office, he says something similar. “phil, i want to trust you. half of me does, half of me doesn’t. i want to know whether or not i need to strangle you.”

so i say, “john, i’ve sworn up and down about 8 times this morning that she’s not in my place. i’m not having sex with your ex-gf and she didn’t spend the night. i would be concerned with her safety if her car is still out there. have you tried calling her? does she have any other friends in our building?”

so now it’s the afternoon, shit has dissipated. i’ve told a couple of co-workers who don’t like john. i trust them. they think it’s hilarious.

so you might be asking where in pa she’s gonna be cause you were paying attention to the story, and because you know i’m moving to pa. i learn that she’s going to be in east stroudsburg which is about 60 miles from me. she will have no car. i said, “ok jack…ok new gf. i will kidnap you a lot and bring you to my dad’s place. we can hang out with my cats and hang out with big gay al.” big gay al is my dad. yes a south park reference.

so tonight, i’ma go test drive a miata, and then i’ma call my new gf, jack.

SHORE DID!

moral: dont name your dog after another kind of animal?

Edited for your eyes only

Birds are dumb, 'cause small bird brains
But so are kids and old people
Some birds talk, most others sing
I don't see you eat a talking bird

Pigs smell bad, they roll in poo
But so do kids and elderly
I don't see you chop off an old man's feet
Put 'em in a mason jar and pickle them

No chowder for you, 'cause clams have feelings too
Actually they don't have central nervousness
No manhatten style, clams have the right to smile
Come to think about it, they don't have a face

They have no face, no place for ears
There's no clam eyes, to cry clam tears
No spinal cord, they must get bored
Might as well just put them out of misery

I don't beleive it's selfish
To eat defenceless shellfish

Phillyb, in your honor, here is the story of how i got my girlfriends

1. chatted her up in our high school class
2. picked her up at sam goody (record store long gone)
3. she picked me up at the college cafeteria
4. she picked me up at a club
5. she picked me up at a club
6. she picked me up at a club
7. she picked me up at a club, then i bled all over her ice cream shop (yes, the one by you brain and y8s)
8. she picked me up on myspace
9. she picked me up at a club

lol, thanks faefae

you bled all over scoop beauregards??

Yes, I did. It is still there in some places. I was bleeding quite a lot.

also if you were picking up chicks there, I hope you were in high school or younger.

She was in college. I think I persuaded her to drop out.