Ryan_G

iTrader: (8)

The purpose covers both of these things. You are designating personal spending money so its easy for each person to track what they are spending on discretionary costs. You are also avoiding conflict over nominal purchases. Its not about hiding what you buy completely. Its about it not being all up in the other person's face. I have seen otherwise perfectly happy couples get into bullshit fights because of inconsequential spending that is not properly segregated.

The guy bitches at the girl for making constant small purchases like makeup or a shirt and the girl bitches at the guy for infrequent but rather large purchases. Often times, they are spending similar amounts of money in fundamentally different ways but the patterns throw each other off because it is not how they spend money and they project onto the other person assuming those purchases are on top of the type of spending they themselves participate in. Its not like it leads to a breakup necessarily. It just causes completely avoidable stress in the relationship. It's like an annoying habit that you might refrain from doing in your partner's presence because it annoys them. You still do it, just not all up in their face because it creates unnecessary conflict.

EO2K

iTrader: (37)

This thread needs a lot of +

18psi

iTrader: (76)

"honey I trust you, and we share everything, and we know everything about each other, but......"

We'll just have to agree to disagree then. 5 bucks says 99.99% of the people that tend to think this way are either:
1) never married or have serious trust issues
2) divorced, and/or have serious trust issues
3) never in their life experienced even a shred of "soul mate" or true love

I know, I sound hilarious. I'm actually serious too.
I also know that only about eleventy billion of people in this world are scum, or were/are married to scum, that betrayed them. They never even had the opportunity to experience a proper relationship.

mgeoffriau

iTrader: (7)

I don't really believe the idea that couples fight about inconsequential things. The fact that both parties think it's worth fighting about implies that it's really not inconsequential, or that the seemingly inconsequential issue is an analog or symbol for a more serious point of disagreement.

My wife and I occasionally fight about "inconsequential" things, but after we talk through it, we almost always discover that there's some other underlying issue.

Why? I thought they trusted each other.

Eh. Again, not buying it. If you're fighting about stupid stuff, then you (both) probably aren't willing to sacrifice very much for the other person, or that stupid stuff is really a stand-in for a much bigger and more important issue that needs to be resolved.

Ryan_G

iTrader: (8)

I think you may be defining fighting much differently than I am. It sounds like you mean throw down fights where as I am using the term fight to include any conflict big or small. Like bitching at someone because they always forget to close the refrigerator door. Maybe that is the only thing they forget to do and there is not some underlying pattern of forgetfulness but today it just pissed me off for some reason. People in general, fight about inconsequential **** all the time and then move on 15 minutes later. Maybe you are just very non-confrontational and you never experience this but if I spend a whole lot of time around any one person I will always end up butting heads with them over dumb **** from time to time. If I can take steps to reduce a known trigger I do. I have never even had a fight about finances before and I am not married but it's not hard for me to imagine a scenario where separate accounts for discretionary spending could reduce conflict.


TIL People do not trust someone if they do not agree with all of their decisions.

Some people have short tempers and anxiety and fighting happens because they are high strung. It doesn't mean you are not willing to sacrifice for the other person.

It's funny because I am arguing for a problem I have never had but it just kind of blows my mind that people are having such a hard time comprehending that a happy relationship does not look exactly the same every time. People are highly complex and communicate in many different ways. This necessitates different strategies and as long as both people are on the same page and happy about the situation then there is no right or wrong way to do something.

18psi

iTrader: (76)

maybe that's why you're not convincing us.

I've had girlfriends that this happened with all the time. I knew they were "not the one". Those relationships never lasted. Not so with my wife, and it's not like we just got married a few years ago.
"People are complicated" is just a way to say people are scumbags, and most don't trust each other, which is true.

I think it surprises you cause you've likely seen nothing but crappy relationships.

I dunno, maybe I'm completely clueless. Or lucky. Whichever

EO2K

iTrader: (37)

Word.

18psi

iTrader: (76)

next topic: prenups

rleete

iTrader: (21)

Yeah, I used to do that. It created resentment on both sides, and then I realized it was (mostly) just me being overly critical. I still bitch, but I am sure to do it out of earshot. 10 minutes later, it's forgotten, and I haven't made the wife feel bad about it. Most of the time it's something that doesn't matter anyway, but just annoyed me at the moment.

Nothing is really any different, but I don't bring her down for things that are usually not a big deal. If I think about it later and it still bugs me, I can bring it up without my natural tendency to snap at people. Tone of voice, and all that.

mgeoffriau

iTrader: (7)

Okay.

My wife does things that annoys me. I'm sure I do plenty of things that annoy her. We don't bitch at each other over it, and it's not because we're both super laid back people (I'm definitely not). It's because that's not how we treat each other.

If I think that annoyance is really something serious, I'll try to separate my emotional response to it and talk seriously about it. If I think it's really just an annoyance, but something she might be unaware of, I'll bring it up to see if she can adjust her behavior. If it's an annoyance, and she's aware of it, but still forgets and does it? I shut my mouth and give her the benefit of the doubt, just as she does for me.

Not really what I said. My wife and I don't always agree with each other's decisions; but when we don't agree, we resolve the disagreement. Neither one of us is willing to continue a habit or action the other disagrees with just because we think we're right and the other is wrong.

A friend of mine who I respect greatly gave up booze for several years because his wife really struggled with it (family history of either teetotalers or drunks). In a larger sense, she was "wrong" -- my friend was more than capable of drinking responsibly. But for her sake, he chose to sacrifice booze until she felt more comfortable with it.

Okay, I guess? I'm not saying it's easy, or as easy for one couple as it may be for another couple. Everyone has issues.

I'm fine with different strategies to accommodate different personalities. But there are certain commonalities and universal truths. I'd bet money (after clearing it with the wife) that of all the couples that claim they keep separate accounts as a normal, healthy strategy for peace in their relationship, more than half of them have some serious unresolved issues related to finances and trust that they are ignoring/circumventing.

18psi

iTrader: (76)

lol'd IRL

agree on the rest

Ryan_G

iTrader: (8)

Honestly, I think we are just arguing way off of the original point and its causing a disconnect. To bring it back.

Two adults are in a relationship. They comingle funds. They both stick to a reasonably agreed upon discretionary budget. They view each other's purchases as frivolous ($25 tweezers or a $100 first edition comic book). From time to time one of them will comment to the other that they thought a specific purchase was frivolous even though it was within budget because they just don't understand the point. This brews some base level of resentment and causes tension in the relationship.

The couple talks about it and concludes that as long as no one is busting the budget they should be able to spend discretionary funds on whatever makes them happy. There are two options going forward. They can try and suck it up and not say anything to each other about their purchases or they can just remove the temptation altogether and open two separate discretionary spending accounts so its out of sight and out of mind. I view neither of the options as better than the other. They both involve open healthy communication.

What confuses me is how this indicates trust issues. It is not about trust. It's about resolving conflict. In fact, if I didn't trust my partner I would be less inclined to give them an account for which I cannot easily see the transactions. I would want to know if they spent money on a hotel room I didn't stay in or flowers I never received. It's like saying if you and your partner don't read each other's text and facebook conversations you have trust issues because you are not sharing everything.

18psi

iTrader: (76)

isn't the point to share everything though?
isn't it better to resolve the conflict rather than hide it or keep it from recurring?

mgeoffriau

iTrader: (7)

This is a great example.

My wife and I don't check each other's text messages because neither one of us has ever given each other a reason to doubt our fidelity.

But let's say that my wife happened to read some of my text messages, and was troubled or bothered by what she found.

Would the appropriate solution be to decide that we just won't read each other's text messages? Or would the better solution be to resolve the underlying issue (which would either be that I need to check how I interact with other women, or my wife needs to sort out how she views my friendships with other women, or whatever).

Does that make sense? It's not about being "in each other's business" all the time. It's about seeing the areas of disagreement or conflict as areas that need work, rather than areas that should be avoided.

Ryan_G

iTrader: (8)

This scenario would only apply to a situation in which your wife got distressed over a message that you both later agreed was entirely appropriate. You have already talked through it and acknowledged it as appropriate. That is step one.

Maybe this happens a few times for some reason. Each time the conversation was deemed completely acceptable by both parties after a discussion but there was conflict none the less while you figured it out. I think it would be a perfectly reasonable solution for you and your wife to agree that she should just stop looking at your text messages because she clearly keeps misinterpreting them.

Ryan_G

iTrader: (8)

I don't really feel it's necessary to share everything. You just have to be open and not actively hide things. There are certain details of your day that you just don't share because they are irrelevant like how big of a **** you took after lunch. If she asks you about it or it comes up you don't need to hide it but you don't have to mouth vomit everything you do. Inconsequential discretionary spending is irrelevant to the relationship.

You are also resolving the conflict through the conversation. Then you are adjusting your habits (sharing a discretionary spending account) to avoid future conflict.

y8s

iTrader: (8)

if my wife ever read my messages, she'd probably cry.

that's about as exciting as we get. also deadlift bragging. then there was the time we named shuiend "Clars"...

sixshooter

iTrader: (12)

This thread is now about ***** and whether they are in a purse from what some are saying, lol.


My scenario is more like what Vlad outlined, anyway.
She has all her wants and needs met and never asks what I spend on the car.
She knows I buy mostly used parts and am both a good provider and good with money.
And she wants me to spend money on things that make me happy because she wants me to have fun.

y8s

iTrader: (8)

since this thread is about *****, have you all ever heard the term "biffin's bridge"?

concealer404

iTrader: (3)

Married here. Separate accounts. Works great for us. Anyone who wants to tell me that our system is broken is very free to **** off.

Bills are paid, some money socked back into savings? Knock yourself out. Drag home an AMC Gremlin for all i give a ****.