Advice?
 

I have been thinking about getting hitched and i need advice from those who have. Not the typical "dont do it" stuff... but real "this is what i did" or something


Its real, i am just nervous and stuff.


Note: this is real and not a joke.

Matt

PS, she loves my car...:winner:

The best piece of advice anybody can ever give you, is to tell your parents right at the start to STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT! They don't get a say in shit... and I mean nothing. If they want to help out with the funds, that would be great. The only thing you want to tell them is the place and time... period.

If you set the precedent that your parents get a say in how you two plan to get married, stand by for a lifetime meddling bullshit.

Between you and the wife, you guys can figure it out. If you're in love for the right reasons, compatible, best friends, open/honest, etc..., then the only thing your parents can do is fuck it up. Go to Vegas, her town, your town, in a church, on a beach, at a bar, skydiving, Bahamas, priest, hippie, red dresses, white tux... YOU DECIDE! If your mother-in-law is the type of woman who has dreamed here whole life about giving her daughter a big fancy wedding, then you're already completely fucked... I'm talking Hustler-style fucked.

Do yourself a favor, you tell them where and when, and if they want to come, you'd be happy to have them, otherwise they can shut the fuck up. 9/10 of my friends who have marital problems also have insane fucking family issues, and the #1 topic of bullshit always starts out with the wedding, and how some family member threw a fucking fit over some bullshit and the bad blood just sits and boils. These friends of mine are all great as couples, perfect and loving, but their lives completely and utterly revolve around whatever recent bullshit is going on with their families... it drains the life out of them, and it all started back at the wedding.

How old are you?

Marriage is the worst decision a man can make, you need to slay at least 20 women before settling down as a general rule of thumb.

She won't after you marry ;)

How long have you lived together?

Whatever you do, do NOT go into debt for the wedding.

Been together for a long time...friends for 5 years and dating ~3 years.

Im 23.

Jayyyy to the something; already been done ....probably.... i didnt keep track in college.

If you feel like you want to marry her, marry her.

If you feel like you need to investigate the positives and negatives of marrying the girl, you've already thought too hard on it.

Not the positives and negatives y8. i know that i want it.

Just more of me "venting" my nervousness for actually doing it.... There are no issues with the idea I just dont know how to do the proposal thing.

I just always hear about a friend whos proposal was lame (but worked) and i dont want to do that haha...

Why are you getting married? That's the first question to ask yourself. Is it because you feel like you need a legal obligation to try to keep this person in your life? Is it for a better tax bracket? Does she need citizenship? I'm not joking. Give me one scenario that without marraige would not be the same for you two. If it's so you can have a wedding, then have a big ass "commitment" ceremony for friends and family instead and call it good.

If you are in love; committed to one another; communicate fully, honestly, and openly; and neither of you needs to be on the others health care plan (wait, you are in Canada...probably does not apply), why take the step to entangle your lives legally?

Save the money, put a down payment on a house, live happily ever after. And if you ever decide that being together is not working any more, then walk away without lawyers, courts, etc.

I've been married once and it's just not worth the hassle IMHO (dated 5yrs/married 5yrs). I've been with my current gf for 4+ years and neither of us wants to get married...she feels the same way I do and has also done it once before. We talk about what's bugging us, work it out, and move on. No license needed.

PS - and 23 is way too fucking young to get married

^ +1. There's no way I'd consider marrying someone I hadn't lived with for at least a year. Shit changes when you don't have your own bedroom/bathroom/tv/kitchen/etc.

serious/

Happily married for 4 years now. Will soon be 5. Don't regret a minute of it.
I'm prepared to lose limbs and my life for my woman, and know she's the same way for me. Can't ask for more.

/serious

^^THIS!!! Date for at least another 5 years then ask yourself again. Enjoy your life while your still single. Things will be different especially once you start having kids.

Marriage does not mean you automatically have to start pooping out kids.
Also there is no "industry standard" for peoples maturity level and readiness for a commited relationship. I know 30-35 year olds that are simply selfish/pissy bastards that have divorced many times over and keep saying "I was young and stupid, herp derp". They're still saying it to this day, and some of them are fucking 40-50 now. On another hand a distant relative of mine got married at 21, is currently 26 with 4 kids. Happiest man I've ever seen or talked to.


If you're ready, you're ready.

Im not worried about age... if its real its real.

My parents for example were iirc 20 when they were married and are still happy to this date.

incorporate, you get the same benefit of being legally married and less bs when you want to end it.

my adivce is to elope on a beach. and ask for cash as wedding gifts.

Jesus Christ, I cannot stress the above point enough. My wife and I wanted a small ceremony We were both working and going to school at the time, so money and free time were in short supply. Mother-in-law gets involved to "help out", suddenly the guest list quintuples, costs go THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF, and everything gets more complicated than it needs to be. We tell her if she's going to continue to meddle, she can fucking pay for it.

Caused all sorts of drama.

Got married at 20, been happily married for 4 years now. No regrets.

This. While not married, my GF and I have been together for 5 years and living together for 4.5yrs. We bought a house together and are doing fine. Neither of us creally care for the marriage thing...if anything it would hurt me with getting funds for school right now. But everyone's situation and feelings are different, I understand that. But speaking from expirence, I'd wait a couple more years before being legally bound together at your age.

Wanna know a secret? How you do the proposal is not really important.

Grand elaborate proposal schemes often seem to me like an emotional defense mechanism, like you can't handle simply asking her in a straight forward no-bullshit fashion if she's ready to spend the rest of her life with you, and you need some ridiculous scenario (often involving a large crowd of strangers) to distract you from the gravity of the situation.

Wait. Do you have any doubt that it will "work" regardless of how you ask? If so, don't ask. It should be a foregone conclusion. Maybe I'm reading a bit too much between the lines here.

23 is kind of young, but I know a few couples that got married at 20 and are still happy 10-15 years later. Age isn't a big disqualifier, as long as you share similar views on finances, kids, etc. When you can look at your bank account and say "Damn, how am I going to spend all of this money?" then you are ready for marriage.

haha scott... i have no doubt in my mind whatever i do will work. and its not a big deal how i do it... but i have always just had the idea that when i did do it... that i would like it to be memorable... moreso than if i just asked her after we just went for a workout at the gym.

Sadly, I think marriage doesn't work.

The main problem is the timeframe: forever. People change and the world changes too.

Another other problem is expectations. Disappointment destroys a lot of marriages.

The last problem is communication. Few people are good communicators and it's likely that you're not either.

How can one say that they are a man if they let their heart dominate their choices?

LMAO. Leave it to Fae to take a diarrheal dump on this thread and anything involving being human and having feelings. I genuinely feel sorry for your life.

marriage is offensive and should be against the law.

Thanks guys.
This thread can be deleted...apparently i cant do that.

I went to Costa Rica on vacation with my then-girlfriend and put the ring in a zippered pocket and proceeded to zipline 800 feet off the ground. Wheeeeee.

Here is the deal. parents can absolutely be involved and make decisions... IF THEY ARE FUNDING THE WEDDING. If they are not, then they are simply family guests and can enjoy the fruits of your decision making.

We did the latter and it was an awesome party and my wife loved it and all our friends still say how great it was. Even Braineack liked it. he got to pet a goat.


---

shlammed, it sounds like you already know what you want to do. If you've already commited to fixing whatever problems come up instead of giving up and leaving, then you're ready to rock.

Thanks y8's

+1 to y8s.

The parents can get involved. It really depends on both sides of family. How are the dynamics? Fairly normal? Still married? If you both have good relationships with both sides, I'd recommend speaking to her folks and mention your intentions. Heck, even ask for her father's permission. It'll earn respect. Worst case, they lecture you or tell you "no". Probably get some "oh, you're too young" or something along those lines.

If you don't want to, no biggie. You know the people better than any of us.

Regarding the whole asking them/telling they are welcome guests, but if they want to pitch in....well, that's another thing you'll have to feel out. It really doesn't matter except the way you approach it. Be tactful and polite. Or don't even mention money. If they are financially okay, then they may offer to help out. At this point, I would tell them you'd like to plan it with your fiancee, stay within a budget, and take advice from all parents...but that in the end it is still your wedding. You'll take suggestions and work with them (maybe) on somethings, and might not budge on others.

It's when parents are insistent and one of you strongly disagree, that's when stuff gets ugly.

Also, getting married early doesn't really mean that your chances of happiness and staying together is any worse off than someone who waits until they're in their 30s. Stastically...maybe not. However, you both know the dynamics of your relationship better than any of us. If you two are truly happy together and she isn't some WAPCE, then maybe an engagement is in order. I wouldn't blow the bank on an engagement ring either. A loving wife/GF/fiancee will understand that she doesn't need a $7k diamond ring. Heck, how many wives wear their rings after several years of marriage?

Regarding the butterflies...eh, don't worry. Don't even really put too much effort into the wedding planning. Let them take care of most of it. Occasionally say something like "Oh, whatever we do, I need to have this..." and sound like you really care. Even if it's just asking for chocolate pudding to be served during the dinner.

The setting (when/where/how you ask): Don't put too much emphasis on it being so memorable or over-the-top. Heck, if you guys went to see LOTR for your first movie, you could rent it/buy it, and propose while watching. It doesn't have to be OMG spectacular...but you should feel comfy and nervous. At least I think so.

my 2c.... not worth a penny more.

I don't know many people that ended up being very happy w/ their elaborate wedding ceremonies... they always seem to end up w/ a bridezilla and a lot of expectations broken by the reality of human abilities/monetary limitations or just drama (as previously noted, usually family related)

eloping is cheap... and it was still unpleasant when my daughter barfed on me in front of the JOP. but it was over in like 30 minutes. You can do this and still have a reception for family and friends... My wife is awesome, we didn't have a reception, but we do have some pictures (had one friend go with his fancy DSLR)

This is actually a great check list of things to review.

For example, are either of you in college/university or in the process of finishing some major employment transition? If so, wait until that is finished. It's no guarantee that something else won't change a decade later, but that's a good foundation.

Speaking of that foundation, you have to set expectations clearly and strongly from the beginning. Do you have strong feelings against having children? Make that explicit and clear and make sure she knows she will not change that. If having children is key to her long-term happiness, do not get married.

Same with lifestyle. If she wants to live like a Kardashian and you plan to work like Hank Hill, she needs to understand she will need to be the main income earner.

This all ties in with Fae's last point: clear, explicit communication with a minimum of ego and "games" is the number 1 or 2 factor in a successful long-term relationship.


The key is a blend of the heart and mind.

[Wife and I met before high school, started dating in high school, lived together, married after college, etc. Together for something like 15 years and married for 8ish.]

Fuck all that and the horse it rode in on. No matter how good your relationship is with your/her parents, don't for a second let them think that they have any role in the wedding other than to show up and try not to get too drunk.

If you must ask her dad for permission due to some sense of regret that you started in on her when whe was 16, then by all means, but don't think for a second that it's going to change his mind about what kind of "man" you are.

Your only other option is to tell your future wife that you want nothing to do with planning the wedding. You don't want to hear about it. You are nothing more than an end-game participant. Colors of flowers, guest-list, location, all that shit... you are not interested. Remove yourself completely from the equation in the exact same manner that I'm telling you to remove the parents.

The months leading up to most weddings are fucking torture for all parties involved. The planning and decision-making is a complete mental and physical drain, even the easy ones, especially when the mother-in-law is a total ---- and your wife feels the need to consult you (although she doesn't give a shit what you think) and then consult the mother-in-law so she can say exactly the opposite of what you suggested.

You want to do your wedding right, start planning now... here's what you do. Get ahold of big-time realty company that does beach-houses in the Outer Banks. Rent yourself 4 or 5 houses in a row right on the beach for a week... the ones that have 8-10 bedrooms each and sleep 20. Plus grab a little 2br cottage close-by for yourself. Have one of your best friends (whoever introduced you two) get himself made a justice-of-the-peace for the day. Have your wedding on the beach and cater everything from the local mexican food restaurant or Costco. I bet you could do it all for about $30k. All people have to do is get themselves there... airfare plus a rental car. The only stress is who gets rooms in what house... let your mother-in-law organize that.

Listen dude, If things are good, then I'm quite happy for you. I like it when people are happy..

Thanks too for feeling sorry. I've put a lot of time and effort into long term relationships and they can be very very hard. Also, the closer you are with someone, the more difficult things will be.

Note that duration should NOT be a success criteria for a relationship. I have witnessed many long-duration relationships and marriages where both people are pretty damn unhappy. People should not necessarily be satisfied with "making things work".

Pics are a must for further assessment of this situation.

preferably nudes

:m-freak:

My alternative strategy? Make sure everyone knows the wedding is a celebration of your relationship with your bride-to-be. Everyone is there to have a good time in your honor and that's it. If you know someone is only going to bring the mood down or cause unwanted drama, don't feel obligated to invite them. Likewise, only invite the people that have had a positive influence or impact on the relationship, not every aunt, uncle and cousin.

My wife and I put on a great wedding for under $5k, calling in some favors, doing some legwork and keeping the guest list to about 35 people. :2cents:

Mine?

None. You're fucked. No way out.

30k!! shit man, make your family pay for their own rooms!

you dont have to worry about releasing yourself from the responsibilities of making wedding decisions. it happens all on its own.

only caveat: have the bachelor party at least 3 months before the wedding. DO NOT have it 3 days before the wedding.

It really frightens me to see opinions towards marriage, and how people respond to someone getting married.

Look i'm 30 I'll be getting married next year. Here is my advice

1) Don't look for it on the internet
2) If you ignore #1 Make sure you and your lady understand that you want to marry each other because you love each other. Not because marriage will bring you happiness all the time. If you accept that marriage will be a hard long tough process and that you will stick with each other because you love each other. Then proceed.
3) Consider marriage prep classes. Make sure you have talked about the roles that family, money, kids, career, will play in your lives. Money is the number 1 issue. (If you are catholic you are in luck you are required too. I and my fiance are really enjoying our classes)
4) Plan early. Our wedding is next June. We have the church, photographs, reception hall, dj booked already.
5) See number 1

ps.
The reception is the biggest cost, but the most important part is the ceremony. Remember IT IS YOUR FUTURE if they love you they wont care. Example no fricking open bar at our reception. If they wanna drink liquor they can pay for it. They will get a few bottles of wine on us at each table and champagne toast.

Love love love love love.

Your answer to "what is love?" will change in a long term relationship. That can and does cause disappointment.

Some good advice above until...

LOL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT SHIT

My advice is simple.
You're 23...be ABSOLUTELY sure she is who you want to marry.
I turned 29 about 1 month after I got married. In fact, my wife and I will be celebrating our 1 year Anniversary on Saturday. It was 1 solid year of happiness. I know I made the right decision, and the funny thing is, I always thought I'd be with someone who had the same interests as me. My wife and I agree on things, but we have different hobbys. She likes to scrapbook and go shopping, I like to work on cars, drink beer, and shoot guns. It doesn't matter what you are interested in, as long as the other accepts it and has no problem with you doing what you do. Marraige to me is all about compromise, trust, and tolerance. My wife and I agree on pretty much everything, whether it's a certain paint color, or where we're going to dinner. we "compromise". The trust things is self explanatory. "Tolerance"...if she has a bad day and she feels the need to explain every single detail there is about how shitty her day was and which one of her woman coworkers is a C.ant U.nderstand N.ormal T.hinking....then I must feel the need to sit there and"tolerate" it.

since when are you an authority on weddings? is that your secret day job?

I'm not one to judge those who have weddings with pay bars but... tell me first so I can bring my own liquor. I'm not paying $7 for a heinekin.

all includsive resort, beach wedding, close friends, save money, skinny dip, drink dirty bananas.

Exactly, that is why it will not be 100% happiness. Which is what I had stated above. Kids, career, health, etc. everything will change how "love" is seen at that moment through the lens of marriage. That is why you have to be committed to make it work and not puss and run like to many people do. People always look for the quick fix to things.


2nd thing
Good luck with that? You want to spot a few thousand dollars that can be used for the honeymoon or down on a house. No open bar refers to hard liquor. If you have to have hard liquor, vs wine etc that will be given, to have fun at an occasion I feel bad for you.

Yer goddamn right. I wanna get fucked up and skeet on a bridesmaid, I don't want to talk to your grandparents about how shitty of a child you were.

+++!!!111111!!!!!!ELEVENTYBILLION!!!

We spent $1200 on everything iirc, from dress, to rings (she wanted a CZ because diamonds are a racket and a waste of money), to cake, to punch (cake and punch was all that was served at the ~45 minute reception at the church (seriously, shake everybody's hand and hug a few old ladies' necks, take a few pictures, cut the f-ing cake, load the gifts and leave)), to church, to flowers (a recent widow from my wife's church said she'd be honored if my wife could use the flowers from her husband's memorial service for a happy occasion), to decorations (how much are tissue paper streamers and doilies?), to the tux rental.

It was beautiful, she was beautiful, and I cherish the memory of that day.

What was not lost in a bunch of hoopla and showboating was that it was about us sincerely committing ourselves to one another.
+1 You need to learn to live together and function as a unit. Truly deeper love develops only after several more years. Yes, it can get even better.
+1 I can quote examples and name names on both accounts.

I think marriage doesn't work for selfish people. Or, frankly, if either one is selfish there will likely be misery and pain.

One of the most devastating thoughts I can conceive is living the rest of my life without her in it. I could more easily lose my right arm than her.
I wholeheartedly agree. Marriage does not solve difficulties in a relationship; that is your job. If you expect her to always be the same as she is now, you will be disappointed. At your age neither one of you are likely the same as you were last year. That is normal growth and must be understood.

If she expects you to change in some particular way, she will be disappointed. If either of you do or don't exercise regularly, or eat healthy, or communicate feelings openly, or exercise religious preferences, or gravitate to the club scene, or do heroin, these things will not likely change.

I do know a couple that partied a lot and were swingers, etc. until they had kids an the wife suddenly grew up and became responsible and he didn't. All four of them are unhappy.
I also agree with this. A good relationship, like anything worthwhile, takes a lot of work. It can be soul-grindingly hard work sometimes talking about thoughts and feelings you would rather leave undiscussed, and at emotionally inopportune times for you. But the more you practice getting it out there the easier it gets.
How bitter a life must be that would be fraught with such angst as to never leave one's heart unguarded. I am truly sympathetic to your situation, Fae, and pray that you find someone to love. I'm not kidding.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." -Alfred Lord Tennyson


It worked for me. And no, people like you weren't invited. I left them at the frat house without an invite. And yes, I was a brother.


Respect and unselfishness are the keys to a happy marriage.

Also, picking the right girl and paying attention to the warning signs of a girl's selfish tendencies are important. She should do things to make you happy even if they mean she doesn't get to do something that she wants to do. That is the kind of girl that will be in it for you and not for her.

You should likewise feel that her wants are more important to you than your own. You will make each other happy and you will love together.

we didn't even finish the keg at our wedding. or the wine. or the vodka that was used to make the signature drink. I'd like to think that people respect us enough that they wont make asses of themselves but in the end, they dont respect us if they think throwing out beer is ok.

also someone left a bra in the bathroom which is kinda funny.

i wore sneakers at your wedding, cause im a baus.

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot...9_202968_n.jpg

I also pet a goat.

Regarding the CZ, you obviously got The One.

Regarding selfishness in relationships, one's ego cannot be ignored for long before resentment and loathing blooms.

Nice writing. I like it.

I do love someone but I'll only do the whole marriage type thing again if if if well, if nothing. I've got my own life to live.

+1 Old people smell funny, bridesmaids r hownyy.

So somebody (y8s?) actually owned a goat? I thought you where kidding about the goat on your (or a) roof listening to metal.

muhahah. you wish you knew. there's cr.net mod in that pic too.

The goat is a mod at CR.net? Makes sense, goats are herrafrush.

To a casual observer it appears Braineak's plus one is a goat.

Yep, she's a good'un. I told her just last week that this might be the year that she gets to have a store-bought dress.

You don't need to worry too much about your own ego if you've got the right person stroking it for you.