Alpha Male Advice
 

I need to become the Alpha male in the condo where I live. My neighbors don't take care of their dogs and I want to lay the hammer down because the douche pickles don't let the dogs out. Fuckers let the dogs bark until I'm ready to fucking strangle the assfags.

The problem is that I drive a Miata. What kind of man would take a guy serious who drives a Miata?

Any advice is appreciated!

Buy a drum set. Profit.

or rat poison...

:bowrofl: That good stuff.

fuck a drum set.

Bagpipes.

fuck bagpipes. get a kilt and a grizzly beard.

Add 70 pounds of muscle and a beard.

If you already got that, get a bagpipe.

you can't change the rules of nature, if you want to become the alpha male you need to kill the current alpha male or at leat fuck his wife

It helps when you have the disdain for all other humans.

Try one of these:

Professional Stop Dog Bark Control Trainer - Barking Controllers - StacksAndStacks.com

Or bang the dudes wife.

look @ condo agreement for "noise" violations

post copy of said agreemend on their front door with "noise" area highlighted

leave your name and contact number along with the following line:

"within 48 hours, please notify me of the action which will be taken within the next 7 days to permanently correct this violation. if the issue is not resolved within 7 days, further steps will be required"

Do you know the difference between a man who drives a Miata, and a man who drives an F-350?

One of them is compensating for something

Edit: And bang the dudes wife as well

Read your condo docs about animals, and complain to the board about any violations.

This post was about how to be the alpha, not to be a little pussy and whine to the board about "violations". The only thing that should be violated is the butt-hole of the jerks wife. Man up and take care of business.

Next time you see the guy, pull out your schlong, hit him with it, and then masturbate into his eye.

Let him know where you're cumming from...

WTF, double tap...

Just think, WWCND.

I prefer not to use the methods of organized Unions for negotiations.

For staters, he sure as hell wouldn't be driving a Miata.:giggle:

ChuckyZ?

Aaaah no....

I say fuck his wife :ky:

Have you considered asking them to make their dogs STFU? If that fails, call the SPCA about that time you saw abuse.

My In-laws have called animal control on their neighbors dogs more than a few times. I'm glad my condo is a dog free zone.

Knock on his door and tell him to shut his dogs up. If that fails, beat his car and steal his women. Then file the complaint, you did warn him. Not only was it alpha-maleish to knock on his door and inform him he is a dipshit, you did the nice thing by telling him before he got in trouble.

time to call epic beard man and ask for a favor.

You mean Hustler??

take a shit on his doorstep

Yeah, that's the point of agreements and papers you sign. Also, if it won't get taken care of by your management company or board or whoever oversees the people living there, then animal control or local law enforcement will take care of that. Last thing SPCA, saying that there is animal neglect going on next door.

I like your style

Thank you! We are having quite the issue with the two dogs owned by our next door neighbor, which are kept outside and adjoining our property. There is no covenant which allows us recourse, and we'd been thinking about just such a solution!


This reminds me very much of when I lived in an apartment building in Carlsbad a few years ago. A group of us tended often and loudly to congregate in various garages, and also at the pool, running BBQ grills and margarita blenders, and playing Jimmy Buffett and Bob Marley quite loudly. Motorcycle burnouts were occasionally performed, and the older folks often adjourned into the nearest electrical closet to get high. In other words, we broke all the rules.

Our group was informally headed up by a man who was, indisputably, the Alpha Male of the complex. His name was Vern, a short, stocky bald man in his mid 60s who was a former Army Special Forces soldier and who now ran a flooring business. He was essentially Epic Beard Man, only not as tall, somewhat better dressed, and sane.

Vern operated by a complex and insidious set of rules. At no time can I recall him ever raising his voice to another person, nor did he ever make threats of physical violence (except against his third wife's idiot son, who was a druggie, a thief, and an ex-con.) Instead, Vern correctly realized that the pen was mightier than the sword.

On one particularly notable occasion, our apartment received a new manager, who had a bit of a Napoleon complex. Rather than confront the man directly, Vern printed up a one page form outlining his grievances against the new manager, encouraging the residents to phone up the corporate office and describe their feelings on the matter (he included the direct number of the CEO of the management group), and taped a copy of this to each and every door in the complex one afternoon. Within one week, a moving van arrived to carry away the belongings of the new manager, who had, quite suddenly, been transferred to a property in Utah owned by the same company.

Nobody ever fucked with Vern. Well, one guy did, but he wound up in prison.



Several years prior, when I owned a home in Maineville, OH, I had a problem with barking dogs behind me. Didn't think of the ultrasonic thing, I just went to the supermarket and purchased a whole calf's head (with the skin removed), which I set upon a pike driven into the neighbor's front yard early one morning, with a note attached. Not long after, they apparently decided that inside the house was a much better place for the dogs to live, though I can't say whether one thing had to do with the other, as I never spoke to them.

I love it when Joe tells stories.

Correction,

Shit, piss, cum, and spit as much as you can into a trash bag, tie it up and let it sit out in the sun for a week, then dump it on his doorstep.

Walk right up to him,and ask him nicely to please keep his dogs quiet.When He gets all puffy and shit,Unleash the fury on his ass,Every time the dogs start barking..call the Man...The first time say its the dogs..The next time say you hear screaming and that it sounds like his woman.After that tell him that oftejn times condo assoc.have rules about that sort of crap and after afew domestic diturbance calls the police will really happy with him.That should help him get his mind right...if that does workthen kick his ass and let his dog go free.
(G)

^this

except there should be some bodily functions done on his doorstep too

Off-Topic Forum - j-body.org - the jbody organization

Epic thread on how to irritate your neighbor. Might have to register to view it though.

You forgot the part where you light it on fire and ring the doorbell and then run.

Dont run,
Just wait for him to open the door and then punch him in the fucking face really fucking hard.

this reminds me of when i graduated from high school, my parents had a bbq with a pig. i saved the head and put on a friends driveway in front of his house. i don't think i've talked to him since:bowrofl:

Now THAT'S old school. Nicely done.

Yes indeed, well played

I can't even imagine what kind of mess that would make. Awesome.

On a serious note, just fucking ask them to keep it down. I have been renting for almost 10 years now (becasue I am lame but thats another discussion) and with only a few exceptions people will respect a request if at all reasonable. Now if they actually abuse the animals, fuck with them for sure, they deserve it.

Don't call Epic Beard Man... become Epic Beard Man.

-Wear a shirt that says "I am a motherfucker"
-Grow a beard
-When the dogs bark, POUND on his door and demand to shut the fucking dogs up
-Suggest he shine your shoes
-When he gives you any lip (and any response other than "yes Sir" counts) punch him in the mouth
-Alpha male achieved. Profit.

Kill his children, hang them upside down disemboweled on the front door frame, then rape his wife and cut her throat and fuck the neck hole. All of this with him watching of course. "All you had to do was shut your dog up, asshole!" Then stomp his head flat doing an Irish jig.

On second thought, that may be a bit harsh. Maybe just go talk to him and tell him to shut his dogs up or you will have no choice but to do the above. :giggle:

Spend a week jerking off into a Gatorade bottle then throw it away.

What exactly is this supposed to accomplish, other than achieving creeper status.

Huge forearms and man scent. It'll enable him to intimidate the girly man and his bitch. Both bitches.

No one commented on this?!? Calves head on a spike in their yard? :eek:

Again the life lesson is...



Don't piss off Joe Perez!

This thread needs a conclusion. I vote for this approach.

Maybe that's my problem. I always smell like man and my forearms are huge. Then again the smell might be other men :greddy::ky:

Grow a rat tail. Every badass I know has a rat tail.

Or drill a hole in the wall and pump carbon monoxide through.

If you haven't made a peep about the noise thus far you cant really go shitting on him without reason. Being the alpha male would mean that after a couple times of the barking shit you would have knocked on the door. Problem now is the guy already has control. If its been going on for awhile and he's done nothing about it, he could probably give 2 shits about it.

So now if you go knocking on the door and ask him politely to keep the dogs quiet, he'll probably tell you to fuck off. Or who knows, maybe he'll invite you in for a coffee.

If it was me, I would have said something after a couple times. Once you let something like that go for too long, the offending party will normally feel more in control, due to the fact you haven't said anything.

I would go over the next time it happens and just say that its been going on for awhile and you've had enough. Shut the fucking dogs up or there's going to be a problem.

Then again, don't go running your mouth to someone that might pound your face in. Size the guy up, think worst case scenario, and go knock on that fucking door. :vash:

Pick up the feces and smear it all over their doors with a post it note nastygram.

I take it you're not keen on my original idea.

Here's idea two:

1. Rent a gun
2. Buy a bullet
3. ???
4. Profit

Never ever make a threat or set an ultimatum you are not ready to fullfill. Backing down looses you all your Alpha points. This is a rule I live by in all situations and in all matters. Never say that you are going to do something, if you aren't ready to actually do it.

We usually make fun of ricers. Last night we seen a ricer with a rat tail. Nobody said anything. Rat tail.

I had a neighbor w/ a dog that would literally bark ALL NIGHT LONG, OUTSIDE, AT NOTHING AT ALL. It was insane. I had left 3 annonymous notes in my old neighbor's mailbox, one note even had a coupon for a shock-collar attached to it. The neighbors worked some crazy schedule and when I would go knocking on the door no one ever answered, didn't matter what time I went. I heard they were in their 60's so I was always trying to be somewhat polite about it. Then I left a 4th, very detailed, very dark note. Nothing every changed.

Then one night I got drunk.... no.... WASTED.

This wasn't actually my neighbor, just someone's house who backed up to my townhouse... they actually lived on another street all together. It was kinda weird.

Anyway... I hopped the fence and chased the dog screaming at it and throwing sticks at it for like 20 minutes. I couldn't catch the mf'er for anything. I wanted to rip his tongue out with my bare hands.

I came home, grabbed a few sockets and pliers and went back over. I took apart their entire fence that connected to the sides of their house on both sides in the stealthy cover of night. I then pulled the fence out and put it in their driveway... lol I then took some vienna sausages and broke them into pieces and threw them every 5 ft. leading out and down the street about 5 houses.

I have no idea how I didn't get caught. I wasn't quiet about any of this. I was too drunk, and too furious to care.

Well, the dog left. For about 2 weeks. Then apparently they got it from an animal shelter or something, because one night he was back.

I moved a few weeks later.

Still to this day I think about going over there and sniping that damn dog. One day I'll get bored and probably do so. I bet I lost hundreds of hours of sleep over his random pointless barking.

Holy shit :bowrofl:

epic

LOL, wow that is win. You for hire? Maybe the OP could use you.