Need your opinion on tough love.
 

No, not man love.

Well, kinda.

The basics - My brother needs a car. I have a spare car. My brother doesn't know about this spare car. My brother is in a tight spot, but he put himself there. Someone is intersted in buying my spare car at a small profit to me. What should I do?

Background - and I say all of this out of sheer honesty, not to belittle, or skew your opinions. Just for clarity sake.

My brother smokes pot, rolls his own cigs cause he can't afford name brand, does pills on occasion (how often I don't have a clue). He was working a full time job as a handyman of sorts, and another part time job as at a pizza restaurant. He apparently walked off the handyman job because his boss was somehow cheating him out of money. So now he just has the part time gig. He rents a house with his girlfriend and HER 5 KIDS. She gets child support totalling $900/mon, food stamps at approx. $500/mon (just guessing on that one) and doesn't work. He has had his last two cars given to him outright. Both were in need of some repairs, which I was called in to do, and both would've/should've lasted years to come. He neglected them to the point of no return basically, they were scrapped. He has no credit available due to destroying it at age 18. He is now 27, 28 in May.

My mother has been sending him random amounts of money $200-$400 here and there for the past few years, totaling about $2,500. I've given him about $400 in the form of car parts to fix his stuff, or cash here and there. Somehow every month he gets behind on his bills, he pawns his stuff all the time. He has pawned christmas gifts, tools we bought him to fix his cars so he'd stop calling me!! haha You get the idea.

We're not close, only speak really when he needs something. We live about 20 miles apart and I probably see him every 2 months or so. That said, he's still my big bro, and I still don't wanna see him struggling, EVEN IF I can see exactly what he's doing wrong and have given him advice that he doesn't follow. You know how family goes. Sometimes you hate to love them.


I've asked a few people I know and I get mixed results. Some say give my bro the car, others say it'll just be more enabling and he'll keep neglecting things and screwing off in life/not appreciating anything/not taking himself serious. I agree to both sides.

The profit isn't important to me, I just want to feel inside that I'm making the right choice. Truth told, I'd like to just keep the car as a backup daily driver but I realize there are other people out there that could use it a lot more than me.

What would you do?

Thanks

PS: This needs to happen before this weekend. Guy wants to buy it Friday. It's apparently for his friend who is coming here from out of country to work for a while? IDK the details.

Tough love. Sell the car.

i wouldent give him the car. maybe give him a smack in the face and dump the whore with 5 kids. im guessing none are his? sometimes enough is enough and u need to just look out for yourself

personally i wouldn't give him shit. he needs to turn his life around, until then he'll waste everything handed to him.

your his brother. not his dad sell the car to a stranger what happens when the car you sold him breaks down and he cant afford to fix it? who do you think is going to be the first person to hear about it.

The kids are not his. He does have one child of his own who lives w/ his ex. He pays child support for her.

I really feel like you guys are right. More enabling isn't going to teach him to quit goofing off. I just hate to see him in these tight spots!

I want to say sell the car. It looks to me that he's unable to be responsible and care for his well being. However I think it would be best if you lend him the car under a condition, set a deadline for him to clean up, to get rid of his habits, and that gf of his definetely. If he fails to follow through within a resonable amount of time and continues being the same loser then take it away, sell it, and wish him good luck with his life.

My father wouldn't do shit for him. Dad defines tough love.

He probably would call me first to come fix it, I wouldn't really mind all that much, I like tinkering with cars. He wouldn't call complaining, he's not like that. He wouldn't get upset at me if it had problems, though he probably would neglect it to the point of causing problems or not preventing obvious ones (like not changing brake pads until you are on the backing plate.. he's done that twice now).

Nigga had a chance twice before. Move on.

Don't be an enabler. Yeah, he's in a tough spot, but it's only going to get tougher until he's forced to deal with it. You're being compassionate by trying to help him face it sooner rather than later.

They met at age 8 at my father's company picnic then every summer after that until they were 17. Re-met at age 25 and claim its the love they always knew they had for each other when they were kids. I'm happy for him for finding love... I do wish it came in a different package. lol

I don't want to lend him the car... that keeps me permanently tied to it and I'd get upset, I know I would. I keep all my cars spotless, if it was still technically mine, I'd be bitching if I seen it dirty or neglected. Not so much the outside, but the interior. I hate trash in the floorboards, I'm cringing at the thought. :crx:

Other than that, its a good idea to have some type of control over him to give incentive to change his life. He needs to.

If he's just changing his life to get more handouts, he's not really changing, is he?

Another good point.

Just some info.


Car in question is an '89 Topaz, yeah, the one same one someone pulled a prank on me with a few months back (find thread if interested, its unimportant). It functions as a perfect shit-box to get back and forth to work, then park and run cause you don't want to be associated with it. Guy wants to buy it for $400, a $200 profit to me.

Don't enable him.

Show him the car and say "Look, this is a car that I need to get rid of and I don't need the money from selling it. I know you need a car. However, since you had two chances already and there's no way you're showing any signs of improvement, I've decided on an alternate solution..." at this point, a monster truck should come into the scene and summarily crush the car. Then you say "see, if you weren't such a worthless piece of shit that car could have been yours. However, now that it has been reduced to the same state of functionality as the rest of your life, I feel that it is more suited to you." Then toss him the keys and walk away.




Ok, fine. Seriously, I'd sell the car to him for a low, but still fair, price. I mean, you'd have to let it go relatively cheap to off it quickly, so figure you aren't really losing *that* much if at all. Helps brother out and maybe it's a step in the right direction. You're not all that worse off, he has a car and isn't that bad off (gets functional car for reasonable price) and conscience is clear. Giving it to him for free is not a solution (further enabling) and selling it to somebody else isn't really worthwhile if you can get a reasonable sum from him and it helps him out.

What would be reasonable? That is, to say he even wants it.

Split down the middle, $300?

I think that's solid logic. I still make a buck, and I help him out. Sucks for the guy wanting to buy it since I told him 3 weeks ago I'd have it ready for him when his friend got a flight date. He's no one important to me though.

The bad part about my brother buying it is this. He will view it as an EXPENSE, when he'd actually be paying on some previous debts to me... so I don't really get the satisfaction I want.

A car (any car) in the hands of the wrong person is another weapon.

If he goes out to run an errand while he's stoned or on pills and he crashes into someone else.... how would you feel?

If you want to help him, find another way.

Don't give it away. I'd try to arange to sell it to him somehow. (Make sure you hold the title until its paid for) let him know that if he doesn't fulfil his obligations you will take posession back. And he will still owe you for any damages/neglect to the car.

Anything worth owning is worth working for. No one ever appreciates what is given to them because it has no value. Sweat equity is the way to go.

To all of those saying "Don't enable," how do you feel about selling to him though?

It makes good sense... he' probably have to make payments though, which I wonder if he'd follow through on.

:bowrofl::bowrofl::bowrofl:

You forgot to add.. Video-taped, profit.