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Old 04-16-2009, 04:34 PM   #1
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Default Tools and their uses

A friend just sent me this. Probably ancient, but still pretty good.


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh sh -- '


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.


SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly inside
the bumper.


BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
to the object we are trying to hit.


UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.
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Old 04-16-2009, 04:47 PM   #2
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Old 04-16-2009, 04:47 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xturner View Post
ancient
You said it.
But still funny.
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Old 04-16-2009, 08:18 PM   #4
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It was written by Peter Egan for Road&Track's Sideglances Column.

Here are some more of his articles. His writing style is amazing...
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Old 04-16-2009, 08:51 PM   #5
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lulz
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Old 04-16-2009, 08:59 PM   #6
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first time for me, and thanks for the lol
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Old 04-16-2009, 11:32 PM   #7
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Old, but someone freshened it. At least they got rid of the "hard earned guitar calluses" line. Not that I think guitar calluses aren't hard earned, but they are only relavant to .026% of the population.
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Old 04-16-2009, 11:39 PM   #8
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Oldie but serious goodie, I hadn't seen that in a few years, thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stein View Post
Old, but someone freshened it. At least they got rid of the "hard earned guitar calluses" line. Not that I think guitar calluses aren't hard earned, but they are only relavant to .026% of the population.
And that percentage of the population tends not to be gearheads most of the time also.
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Old 04-17-2009, 03:10 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stein View Post
Old, but someone freshened it. At least they got rid of the "hard earned guitar calluses" line. Not that I think guitar calluses aren't hard earned, but they are only relavant to .026% of the population.
They didn't do a good job in my opinion.

Peter Egan's humor is classic, and is just one of those things you shouldn't tamper with. The parts that they messed with were the parts that made the original his own. If you read the articles you would know that he had a makeshift band setup in his garage, sharing space with his projects.

I've been reading Egan's work long enough that I actually did a book report on some of his columns in middle school.
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