A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you.
I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’
The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly.
‘Paint…my….house.’

 

a sql query walks into a bar and joins 2 tables.

 

Say what you want about deaf people.






Also, why do blind people walk their dogs so much?

 

Will this fit my Honda???

 

why wont cannibals eat clowns?




they taste funny.

 

What's the worst thing about owning a Miata?

Having to tell Dad that you're gay.

 

No No... CC, you cannot compete for your own ball joints. Conflict of Interest and other Sarbains-Oxley violations.

 

Why do Swedish Naval ships have barcodes on the side?

So when they get back to port they can Scandinavian...

 

You walk into the local parts store looking for new wipers.

You: Hi, im looking for wipers for a 03 miata.

Employee: Ok, Auto or Manual?

You:


P.S. I really need these. Fingers crossed.

 

You are so ugly that when you look in a mirror it points at you and laughs.

 

What's the difference between a vagina and a refrigerator?



















A fridge doesn't queef when you take the meat out...


Really, this one is better when teller and the listeners are drunk, and you can make queef noises right after the punch line... but there you go.

 

A man goes to a pet store looking for a parrot to buy, but is put off by the prices.
The manager won't budge on the price but explains that he has a parrot in stock, with no legs, that he would be willing to sell for half off.

The man asks, "How does he stay on his perch with no legs?"

The manager replies, "He has a really long dick that he wraps around it."

Short on cash and intrigued by the bird, the man agrees.
Soon he and the parrot become good friends and the man talks to him every day after work.

A few weeks pass, and the man comes home to talk to the bird.
Man: "What's up bird, anything exciting happen today?"

Bird: "Sorta, but I don't really want to say"

Man: "Well, now you have to tell me, what is it?"

Bird "...Well, it's about your wife..."

Man: "Just spit it out bird"

Bird: "Ok, fine. The mailman came today, and your wife answered the door wearing only a teddy."

The man turns bright red and says: "Oh my God, what happened then!?"

Bird: "Well, the mailman started kissing your wife."

Man: "I'll kill them both!!! What happened next!?"

Bird: "He started kissing her neck, and then lower and lower... Pretty soon, he slipped off her teddy..."

Man (clutching his chest): "I can't take this anymore! Stop beating around the bush! Did they have sex or not?"

Bird: "I don't know! My dick got hard, I fell off the perch, and I couldn't see!"

 

What do you call the OP if he does not choose me as the winner?

BANNED!

 

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

“How much for a hand-job?”

“5,000$” she replies.

“5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way.”

“Walk with me.” She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. “You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs.”

He ponders for a moment. “Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright.” He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. “Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?”

“15,000$” she replies.

“15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!” He shouts

“Come to the window.” They walk to the window and she begins to point. “You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs.”

“Fine, how can i say no?”

Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. “Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the *****?”

“Come to the window.” He follows her to the window, ready for anything. “Do you see all of Las Vegas?” She asks.

“No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!” He exclaims, astounded.

“No…” she looks down. “But I would if I had a *****…”

 

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?



....because she was a woman.

 

What's blue and smells like red paint?



















blue paint

 

whats red and smells like blue paint?

red paint.


HAH! Got eemm^

 

Y’all know what they call a cow without legs?










ground beef

 

A man walks into a bar and has to go to the bathroom. The bartender apologizes for the current construction and tells him it's up the stairs, and to the left 2 doors down the hall. So he headed up the stairs and went to the right and then 2 doors down. Feeling around in the dark he finds a hole and does his business.

When he comes back down the stairs everyone has abandoned the bar so he asks the bartender where they all went. The bartender replies, "Where were you when the **** hit the fan?"

 

Round 2

A man was at a party one night and it was one of the best he'd ever been at. In the morning unfortunately he couldn't remember which house it was so he went to each of his neighbors house asking if any of them had had a party the night before.

Finally he came up to the house where he was pretty sure it had been and knocked on the door. A woman answered the door and he asked if they had had a party the night before. She replied that they had, so he said, "You know ma'am, last night was one of the best parties I've ever been to and I just wanted to thank you for the great time. Your house is really nice, but you know what I was most impressed by? Your golden toilet, that was so amazing!"

She then turned around and yelled, "Larrrrrry! I found out who **** in your tuba!"