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Old 09-25-2008, 02:05 PM   #1
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Default Must... kill... Dora!

Man, what I wouldn't give for some Spongebob right now...

I've been laid up for the past month here at my folks' place in Florida, nursing my non-healing foot and taking care of my 3yo niece while my sister is in the hospital (she's finally supposed to be coming home today- one month to the day exactly.)


I just can't watch another episode of Dora the Explorer. No, actually that's putting it incorrectly. There are no more episodes of Dora, I've seen them all. What I meant is "I can't re-watch another episode of Dora for the n'th time."

In the beginning I felt sorry for Swiper, always being foiled by those damn mexican kids and their monkey. Now, I've come to realize that he's just a frakking retard. Dude, she always keeps the talking map in the exact same spot in that stupid singing backpack every single episode! If you can't figure out how to get in there and swipe it without getting noticed, then I'm starting to think that Mrs. Swiper and your seven cubs deserve to starve to death on account of not leaving your sorry *** and hooking up with Tico the squirrel. He may not speak English, but at least he knows how to forrage.


And the Wonderpets, man, don't get me started on the Wonderpets. For gods' sake, will somebody please hire a speech therapist for that frakking duck? It's not "cute" that she speaks with a lisp- frakking toddlers are watching this! You know- small humans whose language skills are still being developed and refined? Do we really need a whole generation of schoolchildren who can't pronounce the letter "R"? Frakking Big Bird and Oscar never gave me any of that feldercarb.

It's gotten to the point where every time my cell phone vibrates, that damn song starts going through my head. "The phone, the phone is Ringing! The phone- we'll be right there! There's an animal in trouble..." The other day, my brother-in-law asked he to help him with something, and I actually burst into the song "What's gonna work?" to which he replied (in key) "Teamwork!"

We're broken men.


So yeah. I'm actually praying for Spongebob to come on- he's the closest thing I get to mature, intellectually stimulating television these days.

But with my luck, it'll be frakking Yo Gabba Gabba. The other day, I started to think that Foofa was kinda cute, in a retarded pink hippie gumdrop flower kinda of way.



Edit: Nope, I was wrong. It's the Backyardigans. Uniqua can bite my pink, polka-dotted ***.

Wait, that's not my ***.

Oh, dammit all.
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Old 09-25-2008, 02:07 PM   #2
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my wife said i woke her up the other day.....thought i said something so she asked "what?" my reply was "DORA THE EXPLORER!"

time to watch **** on fancast.com or something.
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Old 09-25-2008, 02:08 PM   #3
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sit through an episode of the wiggles to ease your dora pain

Wife thinks spongebob makes my 3 yr old crazy, but we love it
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Old 09-25-2008, 02:52 PM   #4
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My kid went through the Dora phase and the Wiggles. I hate that ******* Boots the Monkey, or ya and the map too. Between the Wiggles and Dora/Diego it makes me want to kick puppies. So I introduced some violence. Old School Transformers and Spiderman. Violence and super powers are way more interesting than those Australian ******* or the Mexicans. But nothing tops Wipeout. My kid has gotten completely hooked on the show. He runs around the house giving his own Wipeout tyle commentary, cute but a little psychotic.

The Backyardagins rock. I could watch that all day long. I like Uniqua, I don't know what the **** she is but I think she's cool.

But ya, Dora can go straight to hell.
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Old 09-25-2008, 02:57 PM   #5
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OK that is some funny **** right there. I have a two year old daughter that loves Dora and Wunderpets so I know exactly what you mean.

And another thing about that dumbass Swiper... What is up with him being stopped by repeating "Swiper no swiping" three times? If he was smart, Swiper should just laugh at that, pull out his 9, put a cap in Dora and Boots, and take the whole damn backpack. "Ohh maaaaaaannn" this, Beatoch! And, another thing... When he steals the loot, he immediately throws it into the woods, or a lake, or something like that. I guess he has never heard of Pawn Shops or Ebay. He could at least pull a Robin Hood and give it to some poor kids.

I think that Yo Gabba Gabba show is for young kids who just found the cough syrup bottle and are dexing.

All of the Backyardigans are gay. I know it.
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Old 09-25-2008, 02:58 PM   #6
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"Are you ready kids.....I can't hear you!" OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!
Best part of the morning for me and the kids.
I also like Lazy Town as well.

Glad to hear you sister is doing well and coming home.
Now just need to get the foot up to par.
Get well.....
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Old 09-25-2008, 03:16 PM   #7
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Hi 5 is not bad.

hrk
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Old 09-25-2008, 03:24 PM   #8
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Thats some finny **** there Joe. Wait until the day you have your own kids, you will be reciting cartoons all day long.
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Old 09-25-2008, 03:38 PM   #9
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so this is what i have to look forward to?
I have a 7month old son...tell me, how much time do I have, and what I can get him hooked on as opposed to this crap

I'm thinking of buying a bunch of old sesame street, and stuff....this new age **** seems pretty...shitty
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Old 09-25-2008, 03:48 PM   #10
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Try Phineas and Ferb. Better than Dora the retarda any day.

That gabba gabba stuff creeps me out. How much you wanna bet the black dude goes down for pedophelia in the next 10 years?
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Old 09-25-2008, 04:00 PM   #11
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Oh, and if you watch noggin for long enough, they'll have that "choo choo soul" segment on. You can't tell me that you don't wanna do that smokin' hot conductor chick!
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Old 09-25-2008, 04:00 PM   #12
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What happened to Ninja Turtles and the animated comics on Sunday morning? It all began with that monopolizing WB kids program on one channel and the competitors on the others. After that, cartoons went in the *******. I remember waking up early on weekends to catch the Ninja Turtles in action. Wasn't my life or anything, but when your 6 and your mom has taken your pocket knife from you for carving up all the bars of soap in the house, you need to find something to kill the time. I also watched reruns of Speed Racer and the Loony Tunes. I still watch all that now that I think of it lol.

(Plays Loony Tunes song in head)

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Old 09-25-2008, 04:18 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rleete View Post
Oh, and if you watch noggin for long enough, they'll have that "choo choo soul" segment on. You can't tell me that you don't wanna do that smokin' hot conductor chick!
Oh yeah, she is pretty hot.
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Last edited by levnubhin; 10-07-2009 at 04:06 PM.
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Old 09-25-2008, 04:20 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 944obscene View Post
I also watched reruns of Speed Racer and the Loony Tunes. I still watch all that now that I think of it lol.

(Plays Loony Tunes song in head)
LOL, that's all we had when I was growing up, although the Looney Tunes weren't reruns then!

And, we only got four channels--ABC, CBS, NBC and PBS. Yeah, for real. It used to be great to stay overnight at my buddy's house "in town" back in grade school because they had this brand new thing called MTV where they showed music videos ALL DAY and movies without commericals on HBO. Yep, those were the days for this farm kid.
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Old 09-25-2008, 05:05 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by levnubhin View Post
Oh yeah, she is pretty hot.

"Daddy, what's a woody?"
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Old 09-25-2008, 06:49 PM   #16
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You want I should send you a mess of Thomas the Tank Engine tapes? I went though that phase with my Grandson. Every time the music starts, I nod off.

Edit: I agree with all the comments on Dora.
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Old 09-25-2008, 08:13 PM   #17
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Tom and Jerry , Thundercats, and fishing shows on Sunday morning shaped my childhood.... and I rock now.....

I see no reason my children (if I ever have any) can't be shaped by the same sort of thing. This new **** kids watch is drivel, plain and simple!
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Old 09-25-2008, 10:18 PM   #18
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ZX-Tek, the same thought occurred to me just a few minutes ago. Except to hell with the Glock. Swiper, you are a ******* FOX. You have teeth and claws, and Dora has, what, a ******* flashlight? Grow a pair, hombre! I'm waiting to see Swiper go ******* batshit on Dora's jugular while Boots hangs back flinging poo. Who's got the map now, puta?

I'm liking the neo-classics angle. I'm not sure that my niece, the sweet and innocent angel, will ever get into GI Joe and He-Man, but we've got some Gummi Bears action going on. That was more my sister's era than mine (she's about five years younger) but it's doable. At least there's no singing. 'Course, even that carries its own set of problems. Turns out that Sunni Gummi is actually kinda hot, in a sort of anthropomorphic brat-pack-era Demi Moore / flock 'o seagulls kinda way.

My God, why am I fantasizing about a cartoon bear?

Gotta find some good T&J action. Oh, and Marvin the Martian- he's on the Must Have list. The original Marvin, that is. Insta-grow aliens and the Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator.

"Spear and Magic Helmet!"

I'm pretty sure there's absolutely nopthing sexy about WB. Even when Bugs dresses up as a girl bunny, it does nothing for me.


I just can't get over Gabba Gabba. That is truly some freaky ****. And understand the perspective here: this is coming from someone who grew up with the deranged imaginings of Sid & Marty Kroft, saw the movie "Puff the Magic Dragon" about a hundred and sixty-seven times, and watched Sesame Street back when every other bit they did was like an outtake from Yellow Submarine. That Gabba Gabba dude just ain't right.

Something just occurred to me- where the hell is Mr. Rogers? Yeah, yeah, I know he's dead. What I mean is, where's the "semi-normal guy with K-mart sweater does a live-action serial complete with hand-puppets and well-produced documentary bits" show these days?


I have a theory. The availability of cheap, fast-rendering 3d animation software has made it very easy to produce large quanities of programming quickly and cheaply, compared to cel animation. We also have more niche media outlets. Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel used to be premium cable services, if they were even available at all. And FX Kids (and all that other ****) didn't even exist. When I was growing up, the TV had two dials (I'm not old enough for there to have been only one) and I think maybe six of those notches had something on them. (There were a couple of indie stations on the UHF wheel.)

I'm not arguing that The Flintstones had high production values, only that it was time and labor-intensive to make, and that there was fierce competition for the few hours a week scheduled for kids programming. Thus, writing was taken a bit more seriously. Now we've got more airtime than content, and the studios are simply in a race to crank out as much programming as humanly possible, as quickly as possible,


Tvalenziano, you are fucked. I mean seriously, well and truly, convicted serial child-rapist during his first night in gen-pop fucked. The best case scenario is that you have another 8 to 10 months left to enjoy watching CSI during prime-time. After that, the TV is no longer yours. Oh, sure- you can use the 13" B&W set in the basement, but forget about the DLP set in the living room. Come next spring, its sole function will be to project little dancing fuzzy things into your life 16 hours a day, and it gets worse from there. At least Teletubbies is non-interactive. Just wait until the characters on the screen start commanding the little one to shout various things out at specific times during the program. And that phase won't have even remotely come to an end when he quite suddenly gains the ability to memorize and sing exactly one verse of the theme song from each program. Don't think you're ready, either. I didn't believe it until I heard it, but a three year old can turn one single verse into a seventeen minute freestyle jam session. Don't believe me? Just wait. And this ain't just any ole' improv here, we're talking intensity that rivals a Spinal Tap fourteen and a half hour drum solo, ending only with the drummer's untimely demise.

levnubhin, I am taking a vow of chastity. I dig the whole wild uncle bit, but this full-time business, damn...

Olderguy, I know where you live, I know what you drive. I swear to all that is good and right that if so much as one single Thomas the Tank Engine tape / dvd / book / noise-making toy shows up, I will set upon you with the vengeance of a thousand sons.
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Old 09-25-2008, 11:06 PM   #19
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At least you learned some spanish..

After seeing more than my fair share of Handy Manny, I can say that Mr. Lopart is a douchebag and I'm surprised Manny hasn't plunged Turner into his eye socket yet.
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Old 09-25-2008, 11:33 PM   #20
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I'm glad to hear your sister is coming home. That's great news.

Back in the 90's when my kids were that age they had Blues Clues. Steve Burns was the closest my kids had to a Fred Rogers.

My pre-teen son occasionally watches the new Speedracer. I can't stand it. I picked up a DVD of the 60's original when the movie came out a few months ago for him. (The clerk laughed at me when I bought it.) Holly Crap, there's a fatal car crash in the opening credits. Great cartoon. It's like an old Elvis movie.
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