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Old 03-18-2008, 11:13 PM   #1
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Default Oil Change For Women

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========

Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
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Old 03-18-2008, 11:35 PM   #2
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Mmmmmm BEER

Actually the last 2 oil changes where preformed by a local non chain quick lube. I supply the oil, and filter. For 6 bucks they install both, check my trans and diff oils, and drool on my turbo. I typically slip the mechanic a 5 spot. All this is done wile I stand 2 feet away insuring it is done properly. The really screwed up part is, I am a mechanic. I turn wrenches for a living, and I pay some one to change my oil

Last edited by Milton Tucker; 03-19-2008 at 04:16 AM. Reason: Consumed coffee, brain cells now moving at a faster pace.
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Old 03-18-2008, 11:49 PM   #3
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Lmfao that is amazing and so true
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Old 03-18-2008, 11:49 PM   #4
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At least im not the only person who takes 16 hours to change my oil.

I can swap motor mounts faster than the time it takes to change my oil.
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Old 03-18-2008, 11:58 PM   #5
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That's why I don't drink beer anymore when I change my oil. Other than that, dead on.
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Old 03-19-2008, 12:05 AM   #6
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WOW... thats got to suck! You forgot the part where the old oil ring was stuck to the block and now theres two seals on the filter and on start up all the oil is forced out on to the floor...
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Old 03-19-2008, 12:07 AM   #7
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Lol, the best part is you can never find the right wrench which is always true, then you just go for the adjustable one, did you put smashing your head on there when you get up?
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Old 03-19-2008, 12:10 AM   #8
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i believe JiffyLube has free coffee while you are waiting
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Old 03-19-2008, 12:10 AM   #9
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As odd as it sounds, i have always changed my own oil on my old miata.

But I have no idea where the oil filter is even located on my 07 Honda CRV. It's always just easier to take it in, plus they wash it and detail it for you when you do it too, and as expensive as oil is getting, you don't save much by doing it yourself anymore. Plus they can do in one hour what it would take me all Saturday morning to do.

I enjoy doing all that to the Miata though. :P I know, weird.
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Old 03-19-2008, 12:36 AM   #10
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I hate having to jack up the car, get out the jack stands, pull out the oil covered drain pan, and then after 2 minutes the oil is done draining.

20 minutes of work for about 5 minutes under the car.
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Old 03-19-2008, 12:37 AM   #11
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what, no comments on "write a check"? what is this, 1983?
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Old 03-19-2008, 12:38 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miataspeed1point6 View Post
I hate having to jack up the car, get out the jack stands, pull out the oil covered drain pan, and then after 2 minutes the oil is done draining.

20 minutes of work for about 5 minutes under the car.
ramps
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Old 03-19-2008, 01:41 AM   #13
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Wait your suppose to change the oil on the miata? I just wait for it to burn oil then add. Repeat process a couple of times and theres your oil change
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Old 03-19-2008, 01:58 AM   #14
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Ramps and a drain pan make an oil change a quick deal. The only reason it takes more than the 20 minute Jiffy Lube is because I let my oil drain more thoroughly then they do. I also wipe all excess oil spray or w/e kind of mess is on the motor subframe when i'm down there.
Good stuff though.
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Old 03-19-2008, 02:06 AM   #15
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You forgot some possible 'extras' from the Jiffylube change:

$New_engine because:
a) Idiot doesn't secure filter, or
b) Idiot doesn't secure plug, or
c) Idiot drains the tranny and adds 5 qts to the engine
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Old 03-19-2008, 08:40 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deliverator View Post
You forgot some possible 'extras' from the Jiffylube change:

$New_engine because:
a) Idiot doesn't secure filter, or
b) Idiot doesn't secure plug, or
c) Idiot drains the tranny and adds 5 qts to the engine
Happened to a friend on Saturday.
She's in a rental until Quicky Lube gets a new motor for her.
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Old 03-19-2008, 09:56 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deliverator View Post
You forgot some possible 'extras' from the Jiffylube change:

$New_engine because:
a) Idiot doesn't secure filter, or
b) Idiot doesn't secure plug, or
c) Idiot drains the tranny and adds 5 qts to the engine
actually that happened to a neighbor who did a sr20det swap and failed to tell jiffy lube it wasn't a ka24 motor

funny thing was, juffy lube paid for a new motor & turbo....
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Old 03-19-2008, 10:12 AM   #18
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I always do my own oil on whatever my "project" car is, mostly for the piece of mind. The Jeep goes to the dealership where I proceed to get raped for a 40 dollar oil change. The only reasons:
1> The jeep dealership is 30 ft from my house
2> It keeps my *** covered under warranty
3> They tell me when I need new pads/fluids/etc and I just do it. Saves the effort of me looking
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Old 03-19-2008, 11:42 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by driftbendito View Post
Wait your suppose to change the oil on the miata? I just wait for it to burn oil then add. Repeat process a couple of times and theres your oil change
please tell me your kidding, dont mean to sound guilable, but i know a guy that did that...
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Old 03-19-2008, 12:12 PM   #20
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you can get beer at the 7/11???? damm jersey laws!
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