Old Jokes, post'em if you got em.
 

You guys heard about the polish terrorist?

They told him to blow up a car but he burned his lips on the tail pipe.

*rim shot*

Why do firemen wear red suspenders?

To hold their pants up.

The military is really starting to deteriorate.

when Obama took his "oath" all 21 marines missed.

Why is a giraffe's neck so long?

Because it's head is so far from it's body.

I listed 12 million illegal immigrants, 42 million food stamp recipients, 2 million imprisioned, and the 535 fools in congress as dependents on my tax refund...it got returned, apparently I forgot someone.

Confucius say, man who make love to exhaust pipe have hot rod.

Why did the motorcycle stop running?

It was two tired.

If I had seven oranges in one hand, and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

Big hands.

A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and he orders a drink.

He to she: Do you believe in the hereafter?

She: Yes

He: Then you know what I am here after

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.

The thief spends less than my wife did.

An Irish guy, a Chinese guy, and a French guy went out for a beer. A couple of flies land in each of the guys beers. The French guy plucks the fly out and finishes his glass. Chinese guy plucks the fly out chugs the beer and chases it with the fly. Irish guy grabs the fly by the wings and says "spit it out you bastard".

A priest and a rabbi are at the local pool when a group of kids arrives for a swim. The priest says "Man I'd like to screw them", the rabbi replies "For how much?"

What do you call a black guy who flys a plane?

A pilot you f'n racist...

I give you an oldie, but still funny:


https://www.miataturbo.net/attachmen...ine=1341537413

That's not the joke and you know it. Tell it the right way.

A yuppie from the city decides to buy a cabin out in the woods to get away from it all and get back to nature. He finds this great spot on a few acres and moves in.

After a month of living out there and not seeing a single person, he becomes bored, lonely, and starts to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. When suddenly he hears someone whistling in the distance and goes to investigate.

He happens across this old, hillybilly looking guy and quickly runs over to introduce himself. "Hello there, I just moved in down the road and your the first person I've seen in over a month". The old guy says "Well young fella, your in luck. I'm throwing a party tonight and your more than welcome to stop by, heck you'll be the guest of honor!" He says with a kind smile.

The yuppie, still in shock from actually seeing a human being says " sure, I'd love to come to your party, what kind of party is it gonna be?"

The old guy says "well, there's gonna be some drinking". The yuppie proclaims "well alright, I've been known to pound back a few."

Then the old guy says "they'll probably be some fighting going on." To which the yuppie states "well, some drunken brawling never hurt anybody, anything else?"

The hillybilly replies''Ooh...they'll be some sex too, I'm sure of that." The yuppie all excited says "heck yeah, I haven't gotten laid in over a month, that sounds great. So who's all going to be there?"

To which the hillybilly replies...."just me and you"

Yo bitch y u gotta b such a bitch, bitch?

^^^^ Punctuation!!

A new Navy recruit is being given a tour of the vessel he shall be manning.. The ships captain is giving the tour: "This is the crew quarters...This is the mess hall", etc, etc..

The new recruit begins to think, and queries the captain: "Sir, being that we are away at sea for a long period of time...what happens about sexual needs??"

"Oh," says the captain, "Go to the back of the cargo hold and you will see a barrel with a hole..Give it a go. It'll be the best you ever had!".

Bewildered, the recruit goes to the cargo hold and finds the barrel. The recruit has sex with the barrel and returns to the captain. Full of joy, he says, "You're right.. Its the best i ever had. I want to do it every day!"

The captain replies, "Well you can use it every day...except Thursdays"

The recruit asks "Why not Thursdays?"

The captain says "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel!"

During the time of the transcontinental railroad construction, a surveyor from Chicago had been dispatched to Colorado to oversee the charting of the Rocky Mountain passage.

After a few days in town, he became aware of a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"

"Ya mean women?" asked the local fella. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks use sheep."

"That's disgusting," said the surveyor. "I've never heard of such moral degradation."

However, after a few months, the surveyor's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her, and tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustration's.

Afterward, he escorted the sheep to the saloon for a drink. As the man and his woolly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

"You bunch of hypocrites!" he yelled. "You've been doing it with sheep for years, but when I do it you look at me like I am some sort of pervert!"

One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up and said, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"

Apologies...this is how I heard it, now that you mention it. If this still isn't the version you heard please share :)

A priest and a rabbi are at the local pool when a group of kids arrives for a swim. The priest says "Man I'd like to screw them", the rabbi replies "Out of what?"

How many posts does it take FaeFlora to get banned?

Depends on the day...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

There it is.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

How do u keep a black kid from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

Why shouldnt u ever hit a mexican on a bike?

Bc the bike might be yours.

What's brown, straight, and sticky?


A stick.

What did the tornado say to the coconut tree?

Hang onto your nuts this is gonna be one hell of a blow job.

A guy walks into a bar and begins talking with his friends. He then walks over to the bartender and makes a bet.

"I bet you $100 I can sit a cup on the bar and pee into it from this barstool without spilling a single drop"

The bartender accepted. The guy pulls out his johnson and begins pissing everywhere, all over the bar and the bartender. The bartender begins laughing uncontrollably. The guy gets up, walks over to his friends, and returns with 100 bucks, smiling as he hands it to the bartender.

The bartender says "You just lost 100 bucks, why are you smiling?"

"Because I just bet my friends 200 bucks that I could piss all over you, and your bar, and you'd laugh about it"

A young Indian brave went to see the old chief whose duty it was to give names to all the newborn children, and asked him, "Oh wise chief, tell me, how do you choose the names for the children who are born to the tribe?"

The chief replied: "When a child is born, I go out of my teepee, and the first thing I see, that is what I name the child. When your brother was born, I went outside and saw a mighty eagle high in the sky. So I named him Eagle Flying Over. When your sister was born, in the cold of winter, I came out of my teepee to find the air full of snowflakes, and I named her Snow Gently Falling. That is how I name the children who are born to the tribe. But why are you so interested, Two Dogs Fuсking?"

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose dick was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin
"if my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it"



There once was a man from Racine
who invented a sex machine
both concave and convex
it could serve either sex
and pleasure itself in between.

2 guys are walking down a street. 1 guy walks into a bar. The other one ducks.

Why did the mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

TEQUILA!

Horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?".

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

That was already posted. SJP=horse.

True. Let me try again.


A priest, a rabbi, a cowboy, a Polack, and an Irishman all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"



Better?

:bowrofl:

A pirate walks in a bar. The bartender looks up and notices that the pirate's penis is hanging out of his pants, and attached to end of it is what appears to be a steering wheel.

The bartender says, "So what's the steering wheel for?"

The pirate responds, "GAARRR! It drives me nuts!"

A rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer, the bartender looks at him and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here"

The dejected rope walks out of the bar, then has a great idea. He ties himself into a pretzel shape and messes up his hair and walks back into the bar. Immediately the bartender looks at the rope, and says "hey, weren't you just in here?"

The rope looks at the bartender and says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot"

A women places an ad in the newspaper(craigslist in 2012) stating that she is a quadripalegic and the only thing she has ever wanted was to be fucked. Some guy reading the paper feels bad for the women and contacts her. He shows up to find a women with no arms or legs. He convinces her to go for a drive down to the beach so they can get to know each other better. While on their walk the women recounts her ad to the gentlemen, without warning he picks her up and tosses her into the water and yells "Well you're fucked now".


I may be telling it wrong.

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

I like that one.

a man walks into a bar all stressed out and yelling, "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

the bartender says to him, "relax man! you're two tents!"

Did you hear about the fire at circus? It was in tents.

I was gonna tell a gay joke...butt phuck it.

a gay guy walks into a bar

and walks up to some handsome dude sitting there sipping a beer...

"excuse me, may I push in your stool?"

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One trips, then turns and says, "Crap, I've lost an electron!" The second one says, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

What's the heaviest part of a fish?

The scales...

Temporary OT warning, I'm inspired at the atomic level -

A Higgs Boson particle walks into church. The Priest sighs with relief and addresses the congregation, 'Okay, we can start now'. One parishioner leans over to another and whispers, "Whats up with that?" and the reply comes "Because we can't have mass without him".

I'm turned on.

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest woman just jumped out with my schoolbag."

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yay God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

^ thats epic.

okay, so one day there was a baby boy born with no eyelids (true story). so when the doctor circumsized him he took his foreskin and grafted it on for eyelids. The procedure went okay and his new eyelids were fully functional. Then the doctor told the parents everything went okay with the surgery, but your son now looks a little cockeyed! hahaha lmao when i heard my great uncle (who is a preacher) tell me this joke.

Lawlz!

I was too lazy to type so I googled the punchline and copied it...

One day a guy wants to go hunting but he has never hunted before so he goes to his local gun store and the store clerk suggests a 30/30 good all around with a little power. So the man buys the rifle and goes hunting the next weekend. He is sitting in his stand when he sees a bear. He aims and fires and sees the bear go down. When he gets to the spot the bear is nowhere to be seen. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and its the bear who gives him 2 options: he could eat him or he can let the bear have sex with him. Well the guy didnt want to die so he sighs and bends over and lets the bear do his thing. After it is all done the man swears revenge. He goes to the gun store and buys the most powerful and accurate gun they have. Next weekend he is sitting in his stand and he sees the bear. He takes aim slowly, shoots and sees the bear go down. He goes to the spot and once agian the bear is not there. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around. It is the bear agian. The bear looks at him and Says, "You're not here to hunt are you."

Dug up another old one...

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.