You guys heard about the polish terrorist?

They told him to blow up a car but he burned his lips on the tail pipe.

*rim shot*

 

Why do firemen wear red suspenders?

To hold their pants up.

 

The military is really starting to deteriorate.

when Obama took his "oath" all 21 marines missed.

 

Why is a giraffe's neck so long?

Because it's head is so far from it's body.

 

I listed 12 million illegal immigrants, 42 million food stamp recipients, 2 million imprisioned, and the 535 fools in congress as dependents on my tax refund...it got returned, apparently I forgot someone.

 

Confucius say, man who make love to exhaust pipe have hot rod.

 

Why did the motorcycle stop running?

It was two tired.

 

If I had seven oranges in one hand, and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

Big hands.

 

A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and he orders a drink.

 

He to she: Do you believe in the hereafter?

She: Yes

He: Then you know what I am here after

 

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.

The thief spends less than my wife did.

 

An Irish guy, a Chinese guy, and a French guy went out for a beer. A couple of flies land in each of the guys beers. The French guy plucks the fly out and finishes his glass. Chinese guy plucks the fly out chugs the beer and chases it with the fly. Irish guy grabs the fly by the wings and says "spit it out you bastard".

 

A priest and a rabbi are at the local pool when a group of kids arrives for a swim. The priest says "Man I'd like to screw them", the rabbi replies "For how much?"

 

What do you call a black guy who flys a plane?

A pilot you f'n racist...

 

I give you an oldie, but still funny:

 

That's not the joke and you know it. Tell it the right way.

 

A yuppie from the city decides to buy a cabin out in the woods to get away from it all and get back to nature. He finds this great spot on a few acres and moves in.

After a month of living out there and not seeing a single person, he becomes bored, lonely, and starts to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. When suddenly he hears someone whistling in the distance and goes to investigate.

He happens across this old, hillybilly looking guy and quickly runs over to introduce himself. "Hello there, I just moved in down the road and your the first person I've seen in over a month". The old guy says "Well young fella, your in luck. I'm throwing a party tonight and your more than welcome to stop by, heck you'll be the guest of honor!" He says with a kind smile.

The yuppie, still in shock from actually seeing a human being says " sure, I'd love to come to your party, what kind of party is it gonna be?"

The old guy says "well, there's gonna be some drinking". The yuppie proclaims "well alright, I've been known to pound back a few."

Then the old guy says "they'll probably be some fighting going on." To which the yuppie states "well, some drunken brawling never hurt anybody, anything else?"

The hillybilly replies''Ooh...they'll be some sex too, I'm sure of that." The yuppie all excited says "heck yeah, I haven't gotten laid in over a month, that sounds great. So who's all going to be there?"

To which the hillybilly replies...."just me and you"

 

Yo bitch y u gotta b such a bitch, bitch?

 

^^^^ Punctuation!!

 

A new Navy recruit is being given a tour of the vessel he shall be manning.. The ships captain is giving the tour: "This is the crew quarters...This is the mess hall", etc, etc..

The new recruit begins to think, and queries the captain: "Sir, being that we are away at sea for a long period of time...what happens about sexual needs??"

"Oh," says the captain, "Go to the back of the cargo hold and you will see a barrel with a hole..Give it a go. It'll be the best you ever had!".

Bewildered, the recruit goes to the cargo hold and finds the barrel. The recruit has sex with the barrel and returns to the captain. Full of joy, he says, "You're right.. Its the best i ever had. I want to do it every day!"

The captain replies, "Well you can use it every day...except Thursdays"

The recruit asks "Why not Thursdays?"

The captain says "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel!"