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Old 07-13-2012, 01:28 PM   #41
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A pirate walks in a bar. The bartender looks up and notices that the pirate's ***** is hanging out of his pants, and attached to end of it is what appears to be a steering wheel.

The bartender says, "So what's the steering wheel for?"

The pirate responds, "GAARRR! It drives me nuts!"
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Old 07-13-2012, 02:32 PM   #42
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A rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer, the bartender looks at him and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here"

The dejected rope walks out of the bar, then has a great idea. He ties himself into a pretzel shape and messes up his hair and walks back into the bar. Immediately the bartender looks at the rope, and says "hey, weren't you just in here?"

The rope looks at the bartender and says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot"
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Old 07-13-2012, 07:54 PM   #43
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A women places an ad in the newspaper(craigslist in 2012) stating that she is a quadripalegic and the only thing she has ever wanted was to be fucked. Some guy reading the paper feels bad for the women and contacts her. He shows up to find a women with no arms or legs. He convinces her to go for a drive down to the beach so they can get to know each other better. While on their walk the women recounts her ad to the gentlemen, without warning he picks her up and tosses her into the water and yells "Well you're fucked now".


I may be telling it wrong.
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Old 07-15-2012, 06:47 PM   #44
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The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.
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Old 07-15-2012, 11:49 PM   #45
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I like that one.
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Old 07-16-2012, 11:05 AM   #46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe Perez View Post
The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.
a man walks into a bar all stressed out and yelling, "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

the bartender says to him, "relax man! you're two tents!"
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Old 07-16-2012, 01:18 PM   #47
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Did you hear about the fire at circus? It was in tents.
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Old 07-16-2012, 02:30 PM   #48
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I was gonna tell a gay joke...butt ***** it.
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Old 07-16-2012, 03:30 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by Bond View Post
I was gonna tell a gay joke...butt ***** it.
a gay guy walks into a bar

and walks up to some handsome dude sitting there sipping a beer...

"excuse me, may I push in your stool?"
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Old 07-17-2012, 08:31 PM   #50
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Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One trips, then turns and says, "Crap, I've lost an electron!" The second one says, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"
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Old 07-17-2012, 11:14 PM   #51
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What's the heaviest part of a fish?

The scales...
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:49 AM   #52
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rleete View Post
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One trips, then turns and says, "Crap, I've lost an electron!" The second one says, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"
Temporary OT warning, I'm inspired at the atomic level -

A Higgs Boson particle walks into church. The Priest sighs with relief and addresses the congregation, 'Okay, we can start now'. One parishioner leans over to another and whispers, "Whats up with that?" and the reply comes "Because we can't have mass without him".
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:44 AM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saml01 View Post
A women places an ad in the newspaper(craigslist in 2012) stating that she is a quadripalegic and the only thing she has ever wanted was to be fucked. Some guy reading the paper feels bad for the women and contacts her. He shows up to find a women with no arms or legs. He convinces her to go for a drive down to the beach so they can get to know each other better. While on their walk the women recounts her ad to the gentlemen, without warning he picks her up and tosses her into the water and yells "Well you're fucked now".


I may be telling it wrong.

I'm turned on.
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:53 AM   #54
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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest woman just jumped out with my schoolbag."
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Old 07-22-2012, 11:07 AM   #55
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A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yay God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
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Old 07-22-2012, 03:31 PM   #56
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^ thats epic.
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Old 07-22-2012, 04:52 PM   #57
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okay, so one day there was a baby boy born with no eyelids (true story). so when the doctor circumsized him he took his foreskin and grafted it on for eyelids. The procedure went okay and his new eyelids were fully functional. Then the doctor told the parents everything went okay with the surgery, but your son now looks a little cockeyed! hahaha lmao when i heard my great uncle (who is a preacher) tell me this joke.
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Old 07-23-2012, 10:40 PM   #58
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lordrigamus View Post
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yay God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
Lawlz!
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Old 07-24-2012, 12:10 AM   #59
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I was too lazy to type so I googled the punchline and copied it...

One day a guy wants to go hunting but he has never hunted before so he goes to his local gun store and the store clerk suggests a 30/30 good all around with a little power. So the man buys the rifle and goes hunting the next weekend. He is sitting in his stand when he sees a bear. He aims and fires and sees the bear go down. When he gets to the spot the bear is nowhere to be seen. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and its the bear who gives him 2 options: he could eat him or he can let the bear have sex with him. Well the guy didnt want to die so he sighs and bends over and lets the bear do his thing. After it is all done the man swears revenge. He goes to the gun store and buys the most powerful and accurate gun they have. Next weekend he is sitting in his stand and he sees the bear. He takes aim slowly, shoots and sees the bear go down. He goes to the spot and once agian the bear is not there. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around. It is the bear agian. The bear looks at him and Says, "You're not here to hunt are you."
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Old 07-24-2012, 12:14 AM   #60
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Dug up another old one...

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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