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Old 12-08-2015, 09:23 PM   #1
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Default Self-evaluation

It's that time of year again, when I get threatened by the VP to fill out a bullshit self-evaluation form at work under threat of not receiving any bonuses next year.

Some of it is reasonable enough. I moved ******* mountains this past year to get **** done. Enough that I was able to devote but single sentences to such herculean tasks as "relocated the entire 200+ person news organization with zero downtime" and still fill a full page.

Some of it, though, it such utter bullshit that I can no longer be bothered to craft serious responses. Here's what I'm planning to submit for one specific section. "Competency" and "Description" are what the HR department wants me to evaluate myself on. "Comment" is my self-assesement:




Thoughts?

I'm senior enough that I know I can get away with this, I'm just trying to decide whether it's in poor taste. The rest of that section continues on in pretty much the same vein.
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Old 12-08-2015, 09:33 PM   #2
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Love It!
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Old 12-08-2015, 09:46 PM   #3
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"Took no more than 5 but fewer than 10 company pens home for personal use."
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Old 12-08-2015, 10:01 PM   #4
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I put something very similar in my last report, although not so creatively worded. The rest of my eval is short, almost curt, phrases listing my duties. I'm the only person in a 550 million a year company that does what I do. Let them be shocked.
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Old 12-08-2015, 10:13 PM   #5
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it doesn't list ponies anywhere on the doc.

that's how i know it's fake
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Old 12-08-2015, 10:15 PM   #6
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Fun to write that stuff and get it off the chest. Usually best not to submit it. As someone famous once said, "Don't be a dick."

Their grammar is inconsistent on the descriptions. I hate when folks ask me to do something well, in a document that is poorly constructed and not properly proofed.
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Old 12-08-2015, 10:16 PM   #7
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I wish it was fake... I've got pages of this **** to fill out before tomorrow, and then (worse), I have to review all of the **** that my employees wrote and try to take it seriously...
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Old 12-08-2015, 10:18 PM   #8
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My wife has one of those self-review systems. They are so dumb it hurts my feelings - day-to-day performance is not something to self-address once a year, unless you're terminally delusional. If you don't know whether you're good or a ****-up, you probably aren't employable.

As for traditional reviews - my company uses a combined numerical and narrative(describe strengths and weaknesses in this category) form. I have a really good crew, so I've written reviews for each guy for each of their first 3 years, and saved them. Now I just recycle them, change the numerical ratings subtly so it doesn't scream "obvious," and submit. Nobody has noticed, going on 15 years, because nobody reads the review - they look at the numerical rating and the increase.

Honestly, who gives a **** about minutiae - just say good/bad, here's your raise.
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Old 12-08-2015, 10:51 PM   #9
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It's kinda funny, but I work for a smallish company of about 30 employees. Our guys are screaming that we START doing employee evaluations. Upper management doesn't reward anyone unless they beg for it, which is kind of a weird situation to be in.
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Old 12-09-2015, 06:26 AM   #10
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My company uses the same system, but we have it as a two stage where I and my manager set performance and behaviour goals to reach troughout the year.
I am then graded 1-5 for my ability to meet said goals, which again goes into a matrix comparing me with my colleagues and sets my cut of the annual pay raise based on the available total to be spread on my department.

Everybody hates it, and the presence of non-bullshit goals is low to very low...
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Old 12-09-2015, 08:17 AM   #11
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Those yearly appraisals are a pain for everybody. Just accept it and deal with it swiftly. Recycling them from last year is mostly fine.
I am not sure your proposal is appreciated by everybody. Does not look 'funny' to me (although writing it is fun I guess).
In the end it is all about the increase in salary and you just have to tell you think you are worth it.

If you really want to check whether the text is actually read, try putting random parts of apple pie recipe in the text. This will hurt nobody and stays unnoticed until somebody actually starts reading the text. Apple pie recipes will most likely not upset anybody, whereas you current text can be upsetting/offensive i.m.h.o.
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Old 12-09-2015, 08:56 AM   #12
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I believe that submission fully meets the requirements of the self evaluation in a way which provides justification of your value to the company.
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Old 12-09-2015, 09:11 AM   #13
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Meh, better than my work place a few weeks ago. 2 days before I fly out to San Diego for vacation, everyone in the company has to write a "Job Justification" document to give to corporate.

We are told at 9am on Friday, had to have it turned in before we left for the day.

YAY! Aerospace manufacturing.
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Old 12-09-2015, 10:04 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fooger03 View Post
I believe that submission fully meets the requirements of the self evaluation in a way which provides justification of your value to the company.
Just read it another time and I must agree it is written correctly and not offensive at all.

However: when quickly scanning through the document it raises attention by the words used.

I still think these evaluations are not bad at all, but the real pain / bullshit factor lays in the fact it is all confidential. If everything was filled in and available to all employees and filled in according to truth, it would show exactly what kind of person you are and how you are performing.
However: as you cannot share that kind of information within your company (unless it is an extremely open minded company, which I yet have to discover) it all becomes a bit stupid because there is no real reference. You can fill anything in you like. For me it is just being positive..
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Old 12-09-2015, 05:32 PM   #15
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I love it but the last line may compel you to divulge who offered compensation for your compliance. That's the only potential trouble I see. I'd love to see more.
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Old 12-09-2015, 05:43 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sixshooter View Post
I love it but the last line may compel you to divulge who offered compensation for your compliance. That's the only potential trouble I see. I'd love to see more.
Too late. I submitted it already.
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Old 12-10-2015, 12:30 AM   #17
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Who is your parent company. We have similarly worded (if not exact same) stuff. Like stay the course etc.
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Old 12-10-2015, 12:36 AM   #18
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Quote:
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Who is your parent company. We have similarly worded (if not exact same) stuff. Like stay the course etc.
WPIX-TV, a subsidiary of Tribune Broadcasting.
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Old 12-10-2015, 12:39 AM   #19
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Gawd one of the worst things about being a manager is filling out these ******* forms for each of your employees. At one time I had 12.
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Old 12-10-2015, 12:43 AM   #20
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I'm still waiting to see what we're going to have for this at the new job. I'm not terribly worried. I report directly to a director and he hasnt stopped making it known to the world how much of an *** kicker I am since the day I was hired.
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