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Old 08-30-2009, 01:19 AM   #1
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Default ...and thats how the fight started.

For your amusement.


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a
gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't
used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************** **********************

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started...


********************************* ***************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************** **********************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************** **********************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************** **********************
OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have
sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't
even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************** **********************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than
the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************** **********************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He
said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started...
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Old 08-30-2009, 02:47 AM   #2
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There are a ton more. They are all pretty funny lol
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Old 08-30-2009, 03:13 AM   #3
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If there are more, please find them. I'm laughing my *** off over here. All of those sound like they would come from someone I know, or something I would say myself.
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Old 08-30-2009, 03:53 AM   #4
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If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
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Old 08-30-2009, 07:11 AM   #5
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These are great, keep em coming please!
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Old 08-30-2009, 09:10 AM   #6
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There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

(and thousands more.)



Very concise fairy tales:

------

Once up on a time, a handsome and well-to-do businessman asked a beautiful young woman to be his wife.

She said no.

He lived happily ever after.

------

One day, a long time ago, there was a woman who complained about absolutely nothing at all.

As I said, however, this was a long time ago, and it was only for the one day.


------
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Old 08-31-2009, 01:06 AM   #7
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***** BREATH JOKE
***** breath, a lover's dread, Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why, You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease, Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do, So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.

Slide up and down, use your tongue. And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb, So when the hell's he gonna ***?

Just, when you can't take anymore, You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note, You feel it oozing down your throat.

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff, Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag, And what revenge, you're on the rag!
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Old 08-31-2009, 11:21 AM   #8
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Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army

Explanations of these events:
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the **** bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a **** studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic ****?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that’s there….”)

To explain how I’ve stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I’m funny, so they let me live.

The 213 Things….

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

Full list http://skippyslist.com/list/

Last edited by jeff_man; 08-31-2009 at 12:13 PM.
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Old 08-31-2009, 12:06 PM   #9
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Wheres the rest of the list?
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Old 08-31-2009, 12:13 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saml01 View Post
Wheres the rest of the list?
sorry thought i added it Skippy’s List » Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army
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Old 09-01-2009, 10:58 PM   #11
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Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.



Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.



Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fish.



Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Antelope are hardy, crepuscular animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.



Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One.



Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.
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Old 09-01-2009, 11:04 PM   #12
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Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"

Chuck Norris clogs toilets when he pees

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

Jesus, Mother Teresa and Chuck Norris are all sent to heaven to see God, for one of them will serve at God's right hand. Mother Teresa says to God, "I have been your servant, spreading your message and doing good by humanity." Jesus says, "I died for your message, I dedicated my life to spreading your good news.

God turns to Chuck Norris and asks, "Chuck, what do you think?" Chuck looks at him and says,

"I think you're in my seat."
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:42 AM   #13
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how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

welll you can only change the light bulb if it really wants to change itself
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:57 AM   #14
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In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:22 PM   #15
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When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up. He pushes Earth down.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
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Old 09-02-2009, 01:22 PM   #16
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.
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