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Old 11-06-2012, 06:47 AM   #1
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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
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Old 11-06-2012, 08:06 AM   #2
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I really enjoyed reading that. Great start to my morning.
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Old 11-06-2012, 09:25 AM   #3
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lol

in for another political thread
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Old 11-06-2012, 09:45 AM   #4
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I wouldn't mind some of those changes...
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Old 11-06-2012, 09:59 AM   #5
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Nicely done !
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Old 11-06-2012, 10:11 AM   #6
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Fools run the government, sick foreign policy

Their words sound valiant, but their hands are green

Unending quest for power, Taxes that make us slaves

Don't believe a word of it ignore the fucked up things they say

I'm gonna make it on my own
Dictator on a throne
Make my own philosophy
U.S. of me
A citizen who's really pissed
United Anarchists
Give me death or liberty
I am my own country

United States Confederate of Me
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Old 11-06-2012, 11:06 AM   #7
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Braineack - You really need to find some more upbeat music to listen to. It's like you are literally trapped in a negative echo chamber.
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Old 11-06-2012, 11:22 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrappy Jack View Post
Braineack - You really need to find some more upbeat music to listen to. It's like you are literally trapped in a negative echo chamber.
Well, you came into this world naked, screaming and covered in blood-who was there to wipe you off and give you your first hug?

And it took a couple years to figure out how to not **** in your pants, but someone was there to clean you up and powder off your rash.

It's been them from the start, the ones you tortured and broke their hearts.

The two that you hate - the two that you blame- the very same ones that gave you your name

Remember the time you were five and you lied about who broke your lamp? Who were the ones that sat you down and gave you a second chance?

It's been them from the start, the ones you tortured and broke their hearts

the two that you hate - the two that you blame - the very same ones that gave you your name

Go home to Mom and Dad and say you're sorry,
It's the least that you can do, after all you've put them through.

Oh, come on.

Beg Mom and Dad's forgiveness, they deserve it.

Even if you don't mean it, make them believe you that it's true.

And when they offered you up all that great advise, you just screamed "**** you, both- and let me live my life! I'm gonna go out drinking with my friends have unprotected sex, pierce my nose and get a tattoo of a dragon on my neck!"
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Old 11-06-2012, 11:50 AM   #9
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ECHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Anarchy
Kill a cat
Shoot James Brady in the back
Raise an army of rabid rats
Beat your neighbor with a bat

Anarchy burger
Hold the government
Anarchy burger
Hold the government

Anarchy
Go ape ****
Let them know you're sick of it
Write your congressman
Tell him he sucks
Only in it for the bucks

Anarchy burger
Hold the government
Anarchy burger
Hold the government

You're all potential anarchy burgers
If you wanna be free
Order yourself an anarchy burger
Hold the government please

Anarchy burger
Hold the government
Anarchy burger
Hold the government

They say America stands for freedom
But if you think you're free
Try walkin into a deli
And urinating on the cheese

Anarchy burger
Hold the government
Anarchy burger
Hold the government
Hold the government please
Hold the government

Anarchy burger
Hold the government
Anarchy burger
Hold the government

Say **** in front of your mom
****!
And go to school naked

Anarchy burger
Hold the government
Anarchy burger
Hold the government
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Old 11-06-2012, 01:53 PM   #10
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Some people must have.
Some people have not.
But they'll complain and complain and
complain and complain and complain.

Some people will work.
Some simply will not.
But they'll complain and complain and
complain and complain and complain.

Like this: It's society's fault I don't have a job.
It's society's fault I am a slob.
I have potential no one can see.
Give me welfare. Let me be me!

Hey, Bud, you're livin' in the Land of the Free.
No one's gonna hand you opportunity!

Some people must have.
Some never will.
But they'll complain and complain and

Like this: I don't have a house. I don't have a car.
I spend all my money getting' drunk in a bar.
I wanna be rich. I don't have a brain.
Just give me a handout while I complain.

Or this: I wanna stay in bed and watch TV.
Go out weekends in a limousine
And dance all night takin' lots of drugs
And wake up when I wanna.

Hey, Bud, you're livin' in the Land of the Free.
No one's gonna hand you opportunity!

Some people will learn.
Some never do.
But they'll complain and complain and
complain and complain and complain.
Yeah, they'll complain and complain and
complain and complain and complain.
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Old 11-06-2012, 02:06 PM   #11
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always speak my mind
the truth is what i say
i shout it out
in black and white
no smegging shades of gray
you've got to be defiant
that's what i always say
you'll never never hear my silence
but that's the price i'll pay

'cuz i'm anti-antiseptic
i'm anti-antipasto
i'm anti-anticipation
and i'm anti-antichrist

but i'm pro-prophylactic
i'm pro-propane gas
i'm pro-propaganda
and i'm por-antipathy

the future starts tomorrow
with the children of today
they'll never feel your sorrow
they stand right in your way
so take your brain out
have it washed,
that's a fact of life
but i don't mean like blair and tootie
they'd both make
a damn good wife

i'm anti-antidote
i'm anti-antiquate
i'm anti-antifreeze
i'm anti-guitar hero

i'm anti-antimatter
i'm anti-antipersonel
i'm anti-antonym
i'm anti-ann taylor

i'm anti-antibiotic
i'm anti-anticlimax
i'm anti-andrew ridgley
i'm anti-anticoagulant

i'm pro-procreation
i'm pro-programmable
i'm pro-prohibition
i'm pro-profanity

i'm anti-antitrust
i'm anti-antiknock
i'm anti-antiknock additive

i'm anti-pro choice
i'm pro-anti choice
i'm pro-propaganda
i'm proctor and gamble

i feel any more verses
to this song
would be anti-climatic
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Old 11-06-2012, 02:42 PM   #12
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Gonna change the world
With my hockey stick
Gonna make a real difference
Feed the poor and heal the sick

I’ll practice in my yard
Or in the showers every day
Until I get so goddamn good
That someone really super rich will say
"Here’s a million dollars
You can spend it how you like,
You can change the ******* world
Or turn it into something nice"
I’ll use my stick for foreign matters
Giving meaning to our planet
And anything we ever wanted
We will get to have it
And it’s all thanks to my hockey stick
And skill in which I use it
A hero to humanity
I swear I won’t abuse it

I’ll change the world
I’ll make a difference man
I’ll change the world with my hockey stick
Solving all our problems…

Like crack and aids and murder, violence, syphilis…
Global warming, floods and arson, rape, and birth defects
And things affecting ever person
War on crime and racism are problems of the past you see
Thanks to the greatest hockey player
That would be me
World leaders are united
From the joy to watch me playing
As the planet gathers ‘round
For the chance to hear me saying
"This place is now utopia
And heaven is on earth"
Me and my hockey stick
Can finally built this earth

I changed the world
I made a difference!
I changed the world with my hockey stick
I changed the world
Yeah!
I changed the world with my hockey stick
I solved all our problems

People don’t appreciate the glory I have brought them
I saved this planet in its darkest hour
So they will grovel beneath the man that saved them from the curse
Appoint myself ruler of the universe

And lots of family masses they will grovel at my feet
And their lives will serve no purpose
Other than to honor me
And this stick it will now rule their lives
And dictate all their thoughts
And I’ll re-write our history
And thus reside as God

I’ll rule the world
I did it!
I’ll rule the world with my hockey stick
I’ll rule the world
Yeah!
I’ll rule the world with my hockey stick
Just because I am that good
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Old 11-06-2012, 03:01 PM   #13
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Old 11-06-2012, 03:08 PM   #14
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You know when your sure that no one gives a crap, your on the right track

It's a fact

And when you believe, things are good, it's guaranteed, you're up your ***

It's a fact

Morons through the world, and it's shitty place, no one ever asked to be born

It's a fact

You know every time, you think you've got it right, youre totally wrong

It's a fact

And when you really try, the efforts misapplied, or there's a catch

It's a fact

So rest assured in knowing that what you do don't matter, Someone can do it better anyways

It's a fact

When you've got a sure thing, youre sure to **** it up
It's one thing you can count on every time

It's a fact

What can you do? Absolutely nothing
don't even try to amount to something
It will never work and Hitler is a jerk,
and soon we'll all be dead anyway

It's a fact
(you suck)

In five billion years, the sun will explode, It's in the bible

It's a fact

And no one will know, that we were ever here

It's a fact
It's a fact

So rest assured in knowing, that what you do don't matter, Some one can do it better anyway

It's a fact
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Old 11-06-2012, 03:12 PM   #15
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Posting lyrics is lame. Write your own words.
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Old 11-06-2012, 03:13 PM   #16
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The lyrics im posting are just too good.
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Old 11-06-2012, 04:21 PM   #17
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Dear Queen Elizabeth,

Here's some vocabulary for your old wrinkled ***.

First of all - dentists. Believe it or not, there's a way to make your teeth not look like a made-from-butter bear trap. They're supposed to be straight and white. Not diagonal and yellow.

Secondly, until you ------s stop driving 1100cc 1.5 seaters and start driving some o-zone spanking V8s we most certainly will not pay your gas prices. Then, and only then, once your automotive industry's answer to forward progress is 'add moar liters', will we revisit this issue.

Thirdly, **** your beer.

Fourthly, I propose a battle to the death between your 10 best footballers and our 10 best footballers. Please note that while your footballers get arrested for public drunkenness, ours get arrested (and acquitted) on murder charges the week of the biggest game of their lives.

Fifthly, we will trade you JFK secrets if you send us n00ds of princess di.

Sixthly, we will begin to cast english men in lead roles in hollywood so long as we are also granted access to your best british ***** for our adult film industry. I would like to start with elizabeth hurley, kate middleton and emma watson

**** bitches. get money.
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Old 11-06-2012, 04:26 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 18psi View Post
Dear Queen Elizabeth,

Here's some vocabulary for your old wrinkled ***.

First of all - dentists. Believe it or not, there's a way to make your teeth not look like a made-from-butter bear trap. They're supposed to be straight and white. Not diagonal and yellow.

Secondly, until you ------s stop driving 1100cc 1.5 seaters and start driving some o-zone spanking V8s we most certainly will not pay your gas prices. Then, and only then, once your automotive industry's answer to forward progress is 'add moar liters', will we revisit this issue.

Thirdly, **** your beer.

Fourthly, I propose a battle to the death between your 10 best footballers and our 10 best footballers. Please note that while your footballers get arrested for public drunkenness, ours get arrested (and acquitted) on murder charges the week of the biggest game of their lives.

Fifthly, we will trade you JFK secrets if you send us n00ds of princess di.

Sixthly, we will begin to cast english men in lead roles in hollywood so long as we are also granted access to your best british ***** for our adult film industry. I would like to start with elizabeth hurley, kate middleton and emma watson

**** bitches. get money.
You just got a prop for that post.
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