Anyone here with a house wife and children at home?
05-18-2010, 09:44 PM
#1
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Anyone here with a house wife and children at home?
Wife was in construction supply sales for 7 years. As we all know the economy has taken a **** and as a result she's on of the millions that has been laid off. So we decided she should just stay home and we would take our son out of day care. Problem is, my wife is going insane. Combination of being home all day, tending to our son all day and having no time to herself. So, anyone else with stay at home wife/Mom? How long has she been home? How old are your children? How does your wife keep from going insane?
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05-18-2010, 09:48 PM
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melissa said, thats a part of the job description. you dont get an option and as her husband you have to give her time alone, away from EVERYTHING so she can be sane.
from me: let me know when we will take the boys out and let them be alone.
from me: let me know when we will take the boys out and let them be alone.
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05-18-2010, 10:14 PM
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05-18-2010, 11:13 PM
#6
18 years ago my wife said that she didn't like her job. I told her to quit and stay at home. We don't have any kids but she has been at home ever since. She spends her time with our local Miata club, working in the yard, taking care of the house, and taking care of me. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not sure why she isn't bouncing off the walls but she has enough projects to keep her busy. Sometimes it would be nice if she wasn't home all the time (I never get time to myself - sometimes it is nice to just be in the house alone) but I am happy to have her there. At some point she will go back to work long enough to get her share of credits to get social security when that time comes (no reason not to get a check - I've sure as hell paid my fair share).
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05-18-2010, 11:43 PM
#7
When I could afford for my wife to stay home, while going to community college but still working a full night shift as a supervisor, she found that the best thing for her was a good schedule.
If she doesn't make plans for the day, it will fly by, and this is what really drives women crazy. They know they get older and uglier every minute, and time has to slow down, if not stand still.
Granted, my wife hates plans and schedules, but some structure made a huge difference. When my daughter was a baby and she was recuperating she would leave her with my mom for a couple of hours while she went to the gym, and did anything she could only do alone.
She'd base the rest of the day around the baby's schedule, incorporating activities when she knew she'd be awake, and being at home when she knew she'd need a nap. She often took a nap herself.
Depending on your son's age now, he may actually need a little time each day away from mommy. Whether it's at the local park scouting out kids his age (my daughter asks to be taken to the park for this..."parque, ninas"), or just a few hours at a preschool while your wife does her thing.
She also has to get out. Women are like big felines, they hate cages. Four walls and all day without a man around make them nuts. Meet her for lunch once a week, just make time...period.
Give her a purpose (besides makin' sammiches), and a sense of accomplishment.
If she doesn't make plans for the day, it will fly by, and this is what really drives women crazy. They know they get older and uglier every minute, and time has to slow down, if not stand still.
Granted, my wife hates plans and schedules, but some structure made a huge difference. When my daughter was a baby and she was recuperating she would leave her with my mom for a couple of hours while she went to the gym, and did anything she could only do alone.
She'd base the rest of the day around the baby's schedule, incorporating activities when she knew she'd be awake, and being at home when she knew she'd need a nap. She often took a nap herself.
Depending on your son's age now, he may actually need a little time each day away from mommy. Whether it's at the local park scouting out kids his age (my daughter asks to be taken to the park for this..."parque, ninas"), or just a few hours at a preschool while your wife does her thing.
She also has to get out. Women are like big felines, they hate cages. Four walls and all day without a man around make them nuts. Meet her for lunch once a week, just make time...period.
Give her a purpose (besides makin' sammiches), and a sense of accomplishment.
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05-18-2010, 11:49 PM
#8
I have zero religious motivation, but Churchs are a great social outlet when it comes to kids. A lot of church's in my area sponsor a Mommy's Day Out kind of thing. Once a week, your wife will volunteer a morning of her time, like 5 hours to stay at the church and watch other people's kids (not alone, there are lots of Mom's there), which lets her drop her kid off a couple times a week for the morning or afternoon. She can go hang with the other wifes, go see a movie, work out, do chores, get hammered... etc.
My wife worked in a Level1 trauma ER for 5 years before we had kids, is very organized and independent, and has zero social issues or personality quirks. She knew if she was going to maintain sanity after quitting work to raise babies, she was going to have to do something for her, and I wasn't going to be able to help **COUGH COUGH*** GONE FOR 8 STRAIGHT MONTHS AT SEA! She has friends... lots of friends, several groups of friends, friends who are exactly like her and understand that having kids does not mean you need to spend every single second with them.
I know plenty of women who are disgusted by the thought of babysitters or simply releasing control of their children in the slightest detail. If that's your wife, shoot yourself now, she will never get better, there's nothing you can do.
She needs to get rid of the kid at least a couple mornings a week... which means daycare, other moms, or preschool. Other Mom's is cheapest in terms of money.
Do you have any friends in the Military? The good thing about friends in the military is that they come with other friends in the military... and then more. Military wives ARE AWESOME ABOUT SOCIAL NETWORKING, because the men are gone a lot and need the local/home support of the other wives to survive. Get in good with a military family, and start hanging out when they hang out with other military people. Let them know your sitution.. be honest. DUDE, MY WIFE IS GOING OUT OF HER MIND, CAN SHE HANG OUT WITH YOURS? Getting in good with a military wife means an instant network of friends and a support group... providing your wife is cool and normal, good sense of humor, and has a strict sense of safety about the kids, she'll fit in.
My wife worked in a Level1 trauma ER for 5 years before we had kids, is very organized and independent, and has zero social issues or personality quirks. She knew if she was going to maintain sanity after quitting work to raise babies, she was going to have to do something for her, and I wasn't going to be able to help **COUGH COUGH*** GONE FOR 8 STRAIGHT MONTHS AT SEA! She has friends... lots of friends, several groups of friends, friends who are exactly like her and understand that having kids does not mean you need to spend every single second with them.
I know plenty of women who are disgusted by the thought of babysitters or simply releasing control of their children in the slightest detail. If that's your wife, shoot yourself now, she will never get better, there's nothing you can do.
She needs to get rid of the kid at least a couple mornings a week... which means daycare, other moms, or preschool. Other Mom's is cheapest in terms of money.
Do you have any friends in the Military? The good thing about friends in the military is that they come with other friends in the military... and then more. Military wives ARE AWESOME ABOUT SOCIAL NETWORKING, because the men are gone a lot and need the local/home support of the other wives to survive. Get in good with a military family, and start hanging out when they hang out with other military people. Let them know your sitution.. be honest. DUDE, MY WIFE IS GOING OUT OF HER MIND, CAN SHE HANG OUT WITH YOURS? Getting in good with a military wife means an instant network of friends and a support group... providing your wife is cool and normal, good sense of humor, and has a strict sense of safety about the kids, she'll fit in.
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05-19-2010, 07:45 AM
#10
my wife went down to part time 3 months ago cause she hated her job, and I got a better one so we could afford it. Now all she wants to do it's go shopping when I'm at work! she cooks and cleans most of the time but she hates being home without me and when I come home she's all over me and I hate it. I need time for my self as well.
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05-19-2010, 07:47 AM
#11
How old is your kid? Pre-k is at 4 yrs old. And once school starts she'll have a lot of time to herself. My kid did pre-k 2 years at the local highschool where they had students who were studying child development.
My wife has been home with the kid during the day and bartends at night 3 days a week. I watch the kid at night and on weekends while she has her time to play volleyball or whatever.
Part of being a parent. It gets easier when the kid can start entertaining themselves with puzzles/books/TV/Leapster, etc and goes of to school at least a few hours a day.
Frank
My wife has been home with the kid during the day and bartends at night 3 days a week. I watch the kid at night and on weekends while she has her time to play volleyball or whatever.
Part of being a parent. It gets easier when the kid can start entertaining themselves with puzzles/books/TV/Leapster, etc and goes of to school at least a few hours a day.
Frank
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05-19-2010, 08:03 AM
#12
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Phil, does your wife have any business inclination?
My wife decided to start her own business about 14 years ago. We could afford to risk it because I was making enough money with my paycheck and that allowed her to grow her business slowly and without risk. She now has a business that makes more than mine. I always assisted her but never made any business decision for her. She could always count on my counseling but to this day, I've never made 1 decision in her company.
I found out along the way that it's easier for your wife to be successful in her own business than you starting a new one. One of the things that usually kills a new business is the need to cover too many start up costs and when she started her business she spent the first 2 years without taking home a paycheck for herself.
Just a thought.
My wife decided to start her own business about 14 years ago. We could afford to risk it because I was making enough money with my paycheck and that allowed her to grow her business slowly and without risk. She now has a business that makes more than mine. I always assisted her but never made any business decision for her. She could always count on my counseling but to this day, I've never made 1 decision in her company.
I found out along the way that it's easier for your wife to be successful in her own business than you starting a new one. One of the things that usually kills a new business is the need to cover too many start up costs and when she started her business she spent the first 2 years without taking home a paycheck for herself.
Just a thought.
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05-19-2010, 09:00 AM
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Wow, as usual great advice everyone. My son wont be 4 until October, but he still may not be able to start pre-K or head start because his birthday is so late in the year. I am definitely going to forward some of this advice to her. Sam, unfortunately the only people I know in the military live in different states. Other wise that would work perfectly. I need to get my wife into a hobby of some sort. I think that is her biggest problem. She needs something to do that she enjoys on her own. All of her friends have married, started families and moved away, so she really has nobody to hang with on a daily basis. That's why I think getting her involved in a hobby would be great for her. I'm also going to look into the Mommy days that some Church's sponsor. What kind of hobbies do your wives enjoy?
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05-19-2010, 09:40 AM
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There is a lot of good advice in here, but two things jump out at me.
Structure is important because we are creatures of habit and expectation. Whether the schedule is the same every week (I do this on Monday, this on Tuesday, etc.) or every day (I do this at 8:00, this at 10:00, etc.) we need things to plan for and to look forward to. We need expectations. If we don't have anywhere to be today and nothing specific to do, we feel useless, and that is a horrible feeling for someone who is a go-getter. It is even worse if you have nothing to look forward to tomorrow and the next day (unless you are in college and aren't used to doing anything). Lack of structure can lead to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
Activity is the other essential element. Whether it is a small at-home business endeavor (profitable or not, it doesn't matter), a part time job away from home, a volunteer cause, a gym regimen, taking bellydance classes, or any other hobby of intense interest to her, she needs something to do with her mind that will give her satisfaction. She needs to feel a sense of accomplishment just like you do. She needs to be able to point at something and say "I did this today" with pride in her voice. It is all about self worth and self image. If you don't accomplish anything specific for a few days, or worse, a few weeks, then what do you have to be proud of? And if you say "You are doing a good job taking care of the kid" you've got to realize that it isn't enough. That is too broad a category to be very useful to the ego (but you should say it, earnestly and often). Unfortunately, our feminist friends socially devalued the mother who cares more about her children than keeping her BMW and therefore a social stigma exists for at-home moms to overcome. "What do you do?" questions from other women that have only the answer "I'm a stay-at-home mom" tend to end in a less than glorious emotional state for the mom, whether they are comfortable admitting it or not. It is far better to either be surrounded by others in a similar circumstance who value raising their own children or to have something else to point at to say "I do that." Or better yet, some of both.
Remember, it is far nobler to place your child's needs above your selfish, social wants. A three year old doesn't know if he rides in a BMW or a Kia, but he knows if his mother spends time with him or not. It is better for your child to learn what is right and wrong, how people are to treat each other, how to read, and how to behave from their own mother and not some stranger earning $8 working at a daycare because they aren't qualified to do anything else short of fast food service. Who do you want teaching morals and values to your children, someone who shares your morals and values or some dropout with no aspirations? Your wife is doing a wonderful and selfless thing and I'm sure you are telling her this often. It is important to say.
Please take her out on a date, without the child, once every week or ten days. This is so very important. It doesn't need to be expensive, but she needs a reason to dress up and feel pretty. When women don't go out to work daily, they often fall into a rut of not getting "made up" each day. This degenerates into sloppy clothes and no hair/makeup being done, and self-esteem falling way off. Your sex life will follow. She needs to feel attractive and sexy to be happy, so give her a reason to feel good about herself and you will be rewarded with a good relationship.
[/Dr. Six]
Structure is important because we are creatures of habit and expectation. Whether the schedule is the same every week (I do this on Monday, this on Tuesday, etc.) or every day (I do this at 8:00, this at 10:00, etc.) we need things to plan for and to look forward to. We need expectations. If we don't have anywhere to be today and nothing specific to do, we feel useless, and that is a horrible feeling for someone who is a go-getter. It is even worse if you have nothing to look forward to tomorrow and the next day (unless you are in college and aren't used to doing anything). Lack of structure can lead to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
Activity is the other essential element. Whether it is a small at-home business endeavor (profitable or not, it doesn't matter), a part time job away from home, a volunteer cause, a gym regimen, taking bellydance classes, or any other hobby of intense interest to her, she needs something to do with her mind that will give her satisfaction. She needs to feel a sense of accomplishment just like you do. She needs to be able to point at something and say "I did this today" with pride in her voice. It is all about self worth and self image. If you don't accomplish anything specific for a few days, or worse, a few weeks, then what do you have to be proud of? And if you say "You are doing a good job taking care of the kid" you've got to realize that it isn't enough. That is too broad a category to be very useful to the ego (but you should say it, earnestly and often). Unfortunately, our feminist friends socially devalued the mother who cares more about her children than keeping her BMW and therefore a social stigma exists for at-home moms to overcome. "What do you do?" questions from other women that have only the answer "I'm a stay-at-home mom" tend to end in a less than glorious emotional state for the mom, whether they are comfortable admitting it or not. It is far better to either be surrounded by others in a similar circumstance who value raising their own children or to have something else to point at to say "I do that." Or better yet, some of both.
Remember, it is far nobler to place your child's needs above your selfish, social wants. A three year old doesn't know if he rides in a BMW or a Kia, but he knows if his mother spends time with him or not. It is better for your child to learn what is right and wrong, how people are to treat each other, how to read, and how to behave from their own mother and not some stranger earning $8 working at a daycare because they aren't qualified to do anything else short of fast food service. Who do you want teaching morals and values to your children, someone who shares your morals and values or some dropout with no aspirations? Your wife is doing a wonderful and selfless thing and I'm sure you are telling her this often. It is important to say.
Please take her out on a date, without the child, once every week or ten days. This is so very important. It doesn't need to be expensive, but she needs a reason to dress up and feel pretty. When women don't go out to work daily, they often fall into a rut of not getting "made up" each day. This degenerates into sloppy clothes and no hair/makeup being done, and self-esteem falling way off. Your sex life will follow. She needs to feel attractive and sexy to be happy, so give her a reason to feel good about herself and you will be rewarded with a good relationship.
[/Dr. Six]
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05-19-2010, 10:19 AM
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Wow thank you for the great advice Six. I will definitely take it.
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