Miata Turbo Forum - Boost cars, acquire cats. - How (and why) to Ramble on your goat sideways

Out of boredom, I happened to download the entire original series of Star Trek (remastered edition with CG exterior shots). It's probably been 20 years or more since I'd watched an episode of TOS, and I'm seeing it in a whole new light.

A few random thoughts have occurred to me, which may or may not be relevant to everyday life.

1: If you have been given the task of establishing diplomatic ties with a utopian yet seemingly simplistic society who appear totally unconcerned by the fact that a large enemy fleet is massing just above their planet with hostile intentions, leave. Leave immediately. These apparently backwards and unsophisticated people are undoubtedly sitting on a super-weapon of unimaginable power which has lain dormant for a thousand generations, and you do not want to be around when it goes off.

2: When confronted by any culture whose customs or method of governance seems illogical or offensive to you, just go ahead and destroy whatever object or talisman they consider to be the seat of all order and governance. Don’t worry about the probable ramifications vis-à-vis economic devastation, rioting, political upheaval, etc. In the end, they will see that you were right all along, smile, and rebuild their civilization from scratch without so much as a harsh word uttered.

3: The above also applies to marooning a race of genetically engineered supermen on the first barren and inhospitable planet which you happen to stumble across after defeating their leader in a fistfight.

4: DO NOT SMELL THE PRETTY FLOWER!

5: If it seems too good to be true, it is. And it probably wants to enslave your crew / hunt you for sport / steal your ship / etc. On the plus side, it can be completely thwarted by simply sitting down and talking about your feelings, possibly after a good fistfight.

6: Your ship’s surgeon is capable of treating any and all injuries which are sustained by an alien being at the hands of your own crew, including those whose biology is completely foreign to him, based upon inorganic materials, etc. Further, such treatments can be improvised using whatever materials happen to be readily at hand, and without access to medical records, surgical tools, or a copy of “Grey’s Anatomy of Squishy Things.”

Sadly, he is completely incapable of treating any injuries sustained by human members of your own crew who are either enlisted personnel or officer ranks lower than O-4. Ensigns and Lieutenant JG’s in particular will most likely find a hangnail to be fatal if under his care.

7: If you are the only junior officer accompanying the entire bridge crew on a scouting party upon a dangerous and hostile planet, stand directly behind the captain at all times. This is the only safe location.

8: Mind-control probes, alien telepathic abilities and hallucinogenic parasites can all be thwarted by intense negative emotions (eg; anger, hatred.) Despite the nearly universal adoption of 20th century America’s social customs, building methods, linguistic idiosyncrasies, units of measure and timekeeping, clothing styles and literary history throughout the rest of the known universe, the concepts of anger and hatred are the only traits which are uniquely human, and thereby incomprehensible to all other sentient life-forms. Just think nasty thoughts, and you will render it/them completely powerless over you.

Fistfighting is optional, but recommended.

9: After subduing a guard with a single blow and escaping from your cell, you needn’t worry about such trivialities as restraining them, hiding the body, or even closing the door behind you. Unless it is crucial to the advancement of your ultimate mission, they will remain unconscious and undiscovered until after you have carried out your plan.

10: Note to the transporter chief: The transporter is controlled by a computer. Computers are good at comparing large sets of data. Take advantage of this fact. You have a record of what the Captain’s body consisted of when you beamed it down to the planet an hour ago, so if it contains a weird, squishy thing that wasn’t there before when he beams back up, chances are excellent that he’s been infected by an alien parasite. Start paying attention.

11: Before embarking upon any trip, no matter how trivial or routine, be sure to assign code numbers to every possible action which might be taken by any member of your crew under any conceivable circumstances, regardless of how improbable or ludicrous. When you find yourself sucked through a wormhole and spat out into an alien prison constructed from bricks made of baking soda on the surface of a distant and tectonically unstable world ruled by a primitive stone-age people, with sufficient power left in your communicator only to transmit a few words, you will be grateful that you had the foresight to assign the code “special order 1,437” to mean “place equal parts vinegar and antimatter together inside a giant balloon, shake thoroughly to mix, attach a class 2 phaser to the bottom of the balloon with duct tape, place the whole assembly on the transporter pad, and beam it to a location 20 meters directly above the source of this transmission” before you left the bridge to go to the restroom.

12: Note to the planetary geology department: The entire universe consists of only two basic classes of mineralogy; that which is made from papier-mâché, and that which is identical to the deserts of southern California on Earth. You can stop looking now.

13: When ordering a security lockdown of your ship in the face of an escaped prisoner (or similar) with unknown intentions, don’t bother calling down to engineering to have them pull the circuit breakers which power the transporter. It’s not as though a person intent on leaving your ship would think to go there, after all.