Another Rant from Joe Perez - Page 3 - Miata Turbo Forum - Boost cars, acquire cats.

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Old 01-31-2013, 04:42 PM   #41
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How deep is the picture tube on the back side of the Dynabook? lol


BTW, my desktop monitor at home is still a CRT, mostly because it still works fine and I find it absurd to chuck it out when it works. And it is used only for email for about 20 mins a week. I use the new company-supplied laptop during the day and occasionally for TF2 at night. I'm doing 78mph on the interstate right now, actually.
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Old 01-31-2013, 04:45 PM   #42
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how deep is your tube?
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Old 07-02-2013, 10:47 AM   #43
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The most poetic Perez rant I have seen.

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Originally Posted by Joe Perez View Post
It's funny... As an engineer, I tend to anthropomorphize machines and electronic devices to some degree. And I have sometimes wondered what it must be like for Voyagers 1 and 2, out there all alone in the vastness of the outer rim, cold and dark, as the electrical output of their RTGs gradually fades and their peripheral systems are switched off one by one- each robbing the spacecraft of yet another sensory mechanism.

Finally there will come a time when every sensor has been switched off and the vehicle has drifted so far away from earth that not even our most powerful radiotelescopes can communicate with it. And yet, for some years after this, the generators will continue to produce just barely enough power to sustain its onboard computer. And it will drift aimlessly through the cosmos- blind, deaf and effectively mute, unable to perceive the infinite blackness around it or communicate with its makers. A lone mind, more isolated than any other throughout all of space and time, adrift in the galaxy.

I can imagine no worse kind of hell.


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Old 10-24-2013, 03:18 PM   #44
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This had me in tears. For some reason, the emphasis on cats was extra humorous.
https://www.miataturbo.net/build-thr...8/#post1029486

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe Perez View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by shuiend
1. Buy cocaine cats.
2. Make crack more concentrated cats.
3. Sell crack more concentrated cats.
4. PROFIT!
Business Plan

$5120.00 in raised capital is required. $5000.00 of which is to purchase cats. The extra $120.00 will go towards purchasing a metal briefcase to put the cats in. Like the ones you see in movies. I have not decided on what kind of cats yet but whatever young people are doing these days. I will then sell the cats at a profit and investors will be offered the profits back.

I once drove two hours to buy cats for fifty dollars that turned out to be parsley which I could have purchased from my local supermarket for around two dollars. This indicates not only a ready and willing market, but a markup of 2400% on the initial investment.

I also once paid twenty dollars for cats which had almost no effect. Many years later, I was told by the person who sold it to me that it was actually a dried up raisin they had found under the couch and had needed the money for cigarettes.

Return on Investment

Using the above formula of 2400% return, investors can expect a minimum $1200.00 return on a $50.00 initial investment.




Purchase and Testing

Once the capital has been raised, I will advertise that I am in the market for a large amount of cats and have the funds to cover such. The small country village where I live, Adelaide, is rather barren at the moment and recent efforts to obtain cats have proven futile. As such, I may have to travel to Singapore or Thailand to purchase them.

I will test all cats offered prior to purchase.

I once purchased several cats that looked suspiciously like Pez. After testing one and feeling nothing despite waiting at least five minutes, I ate the remainder. A short time later, I found myself at an all night outdoor rave dancing to Paul Oakenfold and hugging what appeared to be animatronic Goodwill store manikins flagging down aircraft. At some point during the night I had my face painted with what I assume was meant to depict a dragon in full flight breathing fire but looked more like a child's drawing of a duck vomiting blood. Awakening somehow at home the next day, inside a fort I had constructed from seat cushions and a shower curtain, it took a four hour bath to remove the smell of damp arts-degree students and patchouli oil.
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Old 10-24-2013, 03:32 PM   #45
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I thought I recognized the raisin line.

Exciting Investment Opportunity
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Old 10-30-2013, 06:41 PM   #46
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this thread has brought me more joy than most of the internet combined ever has. especially the part about the pancakes. i love pancakes. thank you joe perez
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Old 11-07-2013, 04:34 PM   #47
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Stumbled across one from 2008

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe Perez View Post
"The Tuner, the Thief, his Wife, and her Dyno"
A Rant in Four Parts

Act 1, Where our Protagonist First Seeks Council

Having recently come upon a point of relative completeness as to the functionality of my Megasquirt, naively did I embark upon the journey to procure the services of a dynamometer that should the tuning of the VE table be brought to completion.
"VW Paradise is proud to be the leader in North San Diego County in high horsepower engines. Our new Dynojet dyno is the latest in tuning equipment to get the most from your motor.

$125 for three HP pulls.
$150 per hour for tuning and mapping."
So stated the advertisement of a shop located mere blocks of my place of business, and with which many times have I transacted business to procure various necessities, a dealer of Earl's Plumbing and other such goods they be. With haste then did I proceed to their door, money and laptop in hand, that I might enroll the services of their tuning equipment.

"Kind sir, wouldst that I might place my small red car upon the wheels of thy load-bearing dyno, that I should tune this ECU which my own hands hath constructed?"

"You can't load-tune on this dyno."

"But as surely as thy advertising copy states otherwise and thou art verily a most respected builder of engines whose performance knows no equal amongst the followers of the design of Herr Ferdinand Porsche, though they be antiquated have yet stood the test of time and hath many generations served, deadheads and surfers, but serious competitors also. Though thy dyno be inertial, must thou not possess the eddy current brake option that steady-state tuning may be accomplished? Why then else should be drawn a distinction in thy literature between mere HP pulls and that which tuning and mapping is called?"

"Nope."


Act 2, Where Preparation Brings Rebuke

Having once been deceived in the matter, I set upon a quest to learn all that is known about the various dynanometers that may in this great land be found. Research led me to the web page of Mustang Dynanometers, the repository of knowledge contained therein including amongst many other jewels a file whose contents listed those many shops across the nation within whose walls a Mustang dyno might be found. Thus was discovered one Diamond Motorsports, of all things a tuner and customizer of Mazda Miatas! Surely would I be welcome in this haven.

"Good sir," spake I unto the man whose hat the Diamond logo bore, "Is it here at your fine shop that the services of a Mustang model MD-250 dyno I might procure?"

"Shop's closed."

"For sooth! How terrible the hand of fate that thine enterprise hath failed to flourish! For while many are those who a Mazda Miata would service, few are they that unto such a platform a 5.0 liter Ford Mustang would transplant. And what, may I inquire, of the dyno has become?"

"Check with a guy named Barry Powell at Manning Motorsports. He used to work for me, did all the dyno work. Three blocks up, two blocks over."

Act 3, of Which no Good Cometh

No sign bore the name of "Manning Motorsports" at the small industrial building upon which I happened, but the council of a man servicing a Triumph TR-7 upon a lift inside directed me to a tiny adjacent building, within which was contained an American pickup truck, its innards splayed haphazardly across the ground.

"Mr. Powell?" I meekly inquired of the man whose tremendous hands at that moment bore a filthy power steering pump, its precious fluids spilt and sqandered.

"Yeah."

"It is said unto me that thou art the keeper and bearer of knowledge, yea, and also of dyno services, that by which my small red car might be elevated unto a state of greater tune whose equal is known only as nirvana amongst the faithful and true!"

"Sorry, we sold the dyno."

"By Luficer's beard," I cried, "for three is now the number of shops by whose council have unfulfilled my expectations been!

"You could try a place called Scott's Auto and Muffler, down in Encinitas. They've got a chassis dyno- some Australian thing."


Act 4, Wherein our Protagonist Asks "Is there no man in this great land of North San Diego County who will take my money?"

"Some Australian Thing" can mean only the fabled Dyno Dynamics. For while they speak in an arcane tongue of kilowatts and Newton-metres, their equipment is known across the land as faithful and true. And though the location Scott's Automotive is a mystery unto Google Maps (being indicated to reside actually upon a beach) that they are but scant few miles from my place of dwelling, and the number of their address nearby in number to that of "Cap'n Kenos", an old surfer restaurant where for the consideration of but a single dollar may one procure a plate of shrimp and but for $2.50 a dinner entire, did eventually its location become apparent to my searching eyes.

"Hark!" say I, "for though this shop be small and ill-kept, do not my eyes witness the sight of rollers set into the ground!
Good sir, I beseech thee, for long and great have been my travels. But at an end my journey now would seem, for there before me do not I witness the most beautiful sight, a Dyno Dynamics model 450DS chassis dynamometer whose magnetic eddy current brake, being rated at 450 kW, surely sufficient must be, the forces of my meager turbocharged four cylinder engine continuously to dissipate?"

"The dyno's broke."

"Oh cruel fate! For what affliction hath been dealt such a beautiful machine, that its rollers turn no more?"

"I tried firing it up back in January. Looks like rats chewed through the cabling."

"But surely, must not the repair of such an ailment be swiftly undertaken?"

"Probably I'll get around to it someday. Got more work than I can handle now though."

"It is hypocrisy against the devil: They that mean virtuously, and yet do so, The devil their virtue tempts, and they tempt heaven!"

"Sorry, dude."




Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe Perez View Post
Act 5: The Fail is Strong With This One.

Thou mayest recall that did I lament the telephone ought be my future guide in these proceedings. Verily, have I failed my own advice to heed. And failure is my lot and my companion , lo this sunny afternoon.

"Mech-Tech Motorsports in Escondido," said James as he set his Martini upon the table. "For they art great in the ways of tuning, and well-equipped with a dyno indeed." My story had I related unto him during the course of our regular Thursday festivities, being sufficient of food and drink they are. And knowing that vast sums of money had he squandered upon his $30,000 1991 Camaro, and that some proportion of this money for dyno services has been required, did to his advice merit I ascribe. For the Twentieth of April is nearly upon us, being the date of The Puke, which each year is the San Diego Miata Club's greatest assault upon the mountains and the canyons too, that much rubber be wasted and much fuel consumed, and yet that I should participate once more must my engine be tuned without delay.

Thus in the place of the mid-day meal did I embark once more upon the road, to Escondido, being not a great distance from my place of business. My approach was met with signs of hope and reassurance, for many were the race cars and dune buggies situation within and without this small shoppe, and a VW dragster as well.

"Sir," spake I unto the man whose shirt bore the name of Jim, " I see that thou art a most accomplished fabricator of racing cars. Lo, that I behold before me a Haltech ECU upon this Pinto engine mounted, a great tuner thou must also be. And hark, that a dyno my eyes reveal before me! I beg of you sir, that my friend and I would beset upon its rollers and be held many times in a constant state of load, that our Megasquirts, not so different from thine own engine management, be tuned."

"We're not set up for steady-state tuning."

"I am foiled! Surely, though thy dyno be a DynoJet model 224x, must not the optional Eddy Current Brake with Integrated Load Cell be fitted? Why else a 224x would thy posses?"

"Can't help ya."

"Sons of a Motherless Goat; There is surely not one steady-state dyno in all of North County!"

"These aren't the rollers you're looking for," spake he, and in a curious fashion quickly his hand flashed before my eyes. "These aren't the rollers I'm looking for" I said, or rather heard myself to say, as though an observer of my own actions detached, yet aware.

"You can go about your business."

"I can go about my business."

"Move along."

"Move along, move along."





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Old 11-07-2013, 06:30 PM   #48
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Gold.
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Old 01-28-2014, 08:48 PM   #49
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Default Joe Perez sells the **** out of a 6 speed

I just remembered that quite some time ago Joe was selling a 6 speed, and finding his advertisement quite humorous. So, I took what I remembered, and searched the word "lettuce" in the classified section, and I found it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe Perez View Post
As you can see, the bellhousing section of this transmission is liberally covered in ultra-rare 10AE filth and grime, leaked from the valve cover gasket and rear main seal of an actual 10AE engine. I've preserved it in this pristine condition for the new sucker (er... owner) to admire and enjoy.

Seriously though. Includes shifter, the rubber boot around which needs replacing. Not in the picture, but I also have the electronic speedo sensor for it if you want it.

First $800 grabs it, plus actual shipping by the reasonable carrier of your choice. Reasonable means that I'm not driving all the way to ******* Chulajuana to drop this thing off at Sanchez Bros. Freight & Lettuce Co.


SoCal residents get $100 off (in addition to paying no freight) if you come and pick it up, just as a way of saying "Thanks for sharing the tax burden with me."

New Jersey residents pay a $10 additional surcharge just for being a douchebag. Don't try to deny it.

No, I do not want to trade this for anything other than a Lotus Elise SC, an Ariel Atom, or a Koenigsegg CCX (with Top Gear spoiler.) If you ask, I will change your avatar to a picture of a diseased *****.
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Old 01-29-2014, 12:00 AM   #50
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Originally Posted by chicksdigmiatas View Post
I just remembered that quite some time ago Joe was selling a 6 speed, and finding his advertisement quite humorous. So, I took what I remembered, and searched the word "lettuce" in the classified section, and I found it.
Shame he didn't move to Nj instead of NY... Because that would have made that even funnier haha
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Old 01-29-2014, 12:38 AM   #51
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Shame he didn't move to Nj instead of NY... Because that would have made that even funnier haha
Pretty sure he lives in NJ and works in NY, or its the other way around which would be ******* retarded.
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Old 01-29-2014, 11:02 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by Leafy View Post
Pretty sure he lives in NJ and works in NY, or its the other way around which would be ******* retarded.
I don't live in NJ. I live in Hoboken, which is the sixth borough of NYC, famous the world over for its trained penguins. It merely happens to be surrounded on three sides by New Jersey, and fall under the governance of the NJ courts, the NJ Division of Taxation, etc. We are, for all intents and purposes, that portion of NY which was divided from the mainland by the Hudson River and which exists under a state of perpetual occupation by New Jersey.



Surprisingly, the number of people who live in NY and commute to NJ is non-zero. This is actually quite easy to visualize, at least in coarse terms. Just stand on the platform at any PATH station on the NJ side (in the morning) or on the NY side (in the evening) when a train rolls in. A small but measurable number of people always seem to be making the "reverse" commute- perhaps 10-15% as many as the number making the "primary" commute.

In fact, I've personally known a few people who lived in Queens / Brooklyn / LI, and commuted every day via MTA across the East River into Manhattan, and then via PATH / NJT across the Hudron into NJ. I don't quite understand this, but que sera sera.








And now, a few words about laundry soap:







In the wheat is evil thread, I recently shared my frustrations concerning the labeling of packages of laundry soap. Specifically, the fact that they all seem to be emblazoned with claims such as "25% MORE LOADS than 72 loads." I even posted some pictures, and yet I'm convinced that some people didn't quite appreciate the point that I was driving towards. One comment in particular stuck out:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Some guy who I won't identify by name, but you can easily figure out if you click the link above
Joe - Did you compare "serving size" on that laundry detergent? That is, some of the more concentrated formulas require much less to be used per load of laundry. Comparing concentrated vs non-concentrated would skew the numbers quite a bit.
Dafuq? I very specifically pointed out an example of a soap which was claiming to handle more "loads" than a soap which handled fewer "loads." How much more rudimentary can you get?

Yes, I know that 90 is more than 72. I don't need the marketing department to tell me that- we covered it in the first grade.


In general, it is the unspoken intention of every communication between intelligent creatures that the sum total of all knowledge be increased. For instance, if I were to say to you "my girlfriend has a *stunning* ***," I have become no poorer in knowledge for this, and you have gained a richer appreciation for the magnitude of my GF's *** or, perhaps even more importantly, for the quality of my own judgement concerning the spectacularity of asses in general.

I posit, in fact, that the opposite is true insofar as the specific matter of laundry soap advertising is concerned.

The fact that such absurdly obvious statements are being made is, in fact, having the effect of decreasing the sum total of all. knowledge. On reading such an asinine statement, I am forced to devote considerable mental faculties to analyzing it. (Did I mis-interpret this? Am I missing some piece of context which is intuitively obvious to others? Is the person making this statement a complete moron, or do they assume that everyone else is?) And it is this thought which consumes my mind, to the exclusion of other, more profitable lines of reasoning.


In other words, laundry soap packaging has an extremely high opportunity cost.



I simply cannot understand this phenomenon. I mean, we don't see car adverts which claim "30% BETTER MPG than a car with 30% poorer MPG," do we? Of course not. Automakers, for all of their failings, seem to recognize the fact that the majority of their customers are at least fundamentally literate and capable of processing basic mathematical concepts at a level at least equivalent to that of a slightly retarded 10 year old child.

We use terms such as "dumbfounded" and "speechless" rather too freely sometimes, and yet I can think of no more apt description of the state of my thoughts having seen such advertising. Were I deliberately to engage in a conspiracy to decrease the intellectual capacity of an entire nation, I doubt seriously whether I could achieve such a work of greatness as that achieved by the entire laundry-soap-advertising cabal already.









I leave you now, as you left me. Alone for all eternity, in the centre of a dead planet. Buried alive.





(These fuzzy slippers may well be the best purchase which I have ever made.)
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Old 01-30-2014, 11:37 AM   #53
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Are you sure the 10-15% "reverse commute" is not people living in NJ making the commute for their night-shift job in NYC? You know; janitors, prostitutes, etc.
I think you need to survey the people as they exit. Get back to us with some verified data.
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Old 01-30-2014, 11:49 AM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guardiola View Post
Are you sure the 10-15% "reverse commute" is not people living in NJ making the commute for their night-shift job in NYC? You know; janitors, prostitutes, etc.
Good point.


My analysis of the laundry soap stands, however.
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Old 01-30-2014, 11:57 AM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe Perez View Post
My analysis of the laundry soap stands, however.
Agreed.

I will add that perhaps the laundry soap logic escapes us because we are not women. I have noticed that women's logic is not based on any sort of science, ever.

A good example is how they can spend $300 on **** they did not need and explain to you how they "saved" $100.
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Old 01-30-2014, 12:15 PM   #56
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Instead of spending 3 seconds on the laundry topic, I spent 13.

See here.
https://www.miataturbo.net/insert-bs...6/#post1097237
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Old 01-30-2014, 02:12 PM   #57
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A good example is how they can spend $300 on **** they did not need and explain to you how they "saved" $100.
Guardiola,
You DO know that this same logic can successfully be used AGAINST women, right?
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Old 01-30-2014, 02:22 PM   #58
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Ye shall all desist from arguing in my rant thread.
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Old 01-30-2014, 03:04 PM   #59
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I disagree.
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Old 01-30-2014, 03:44 PM   #60
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guardiola View Post
Are you sure the 10-15% "reverse commute" is not people living in NJ making the commute for their night-shift job in NYC? You know; janitors, prostitutes, etc.
I think you need to survey the people as they exit. Get back to us with some verified data.
15% more reverse commuters! than jobless gypsies.
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