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Old 02-06-2011, 05:36 AM   #1
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Most of us (read: not cococarbine) have funny sex stories. The kind of stories you wouldn't tell your kids but you would be jump at the chance to tell strangers over the Internet. What will follow is an example of one such story.

A buddy of mine who we will call "Jon" had been seeing this girl for a couple weeks and had yet to cop a beej. As hard as he tried, she just wouldn't go down on him and it became a bone of contention between them.

Then, finally, one night after hanging out with some shitbag we'll call "Pusha" and one of his current GFs, they made a deal. She would go down on him only if he returned the favor. The day had come, he was finally going to "get his" and they agreed they could best orally explore one another in the infamous 69 position.

Well, I don't know about y'all bros, but I'm pretty sure the reason it's called 69 is because 69 seconds is the longest a couple can perform the act without getting bored. Somehow "Jon" and his girl were able to keep interest well past the three minute mark. I know, right? Anyway, homes will beat his chest and tell everyone how gifted he is and how Gene Simmons doesn't have **** on him, but he was able to get this girl to not only completely relax, but to climax. So relaxed that immediately after her climax, her ******* throbbed and she sharted on his face. Literally. On. His. Face.

They were engaged last year and have scheduled a June wedding. I will be telling this story at the reception. Save the date.

Tell us how your friend's mom bit your **** after prom or the time you got caught ******* a fat chick by her dad who disrobed and jumped in the fray.
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Old 02-06-2011, 11:39 AM   #2
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I heard this one second hand, so don't you sons of bitches be thinking it was me.

I'm going to tell it as if I'm the person who originally told me:

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So my college roommate was roommates with another guy the year before he and I lived together. He always told me stories about his old roomie and how he used to come home at 3 in the ******* morning on a weekend completely wasted. He was loud and obnoxious, and he was generally not a very good roommate. Fortunately, my current roommate had the top bunk last year, so he never had to worry about the constantly drunk roommate puking on him and whatnot.

For time's sake, we'll call my current roommate steve, and his ex-roommate drunko.

So steve is in bed at 230 am on some saturday night. He just got back from the bars with his friends, and had enough time to change into a pair of gym shorts turn the lights off, and jump in his bed before drunko came into the room. Drunko brought a girl back with him.

Drunko didn't turn the lights on when he came in, instead he closed the door behind them, and the two proceeded to lay on Drunko's bottom bunk and make out - in a sloppy drunken make-out sort of way. Not wanting to be akward, or scare off Drunko's girl, Steve lay quietly on his top bunk, and hoped he could soon fall asleep.

Several minutes passed, and Steve wasn't going to fall asleep for awhile, as the two below him were starting to get hot and heavy. It didn't take long for steves bunk started moving rhythmically head to toe, matching the rhythm of the two lovemakers on the bottom bunk. Steve considered mentioning that he was in the top bunk, but decided that tomorrow is Sunday, and he didn't exactly have to get up early anyways. It started slowly, but then proceeded to move quickly; much more quickly. She was moaning, and he was rocking. Within a couple of minutes, Steve overheard Drunko's girl softly speak to him: "Oh baby, turn me over and put it in my butt"

"There's no way he's going to go with that," Stevo thought quietly to himself, but low and behold, about a minute later, the bed started moving again, albeit this time the rhythm of the bed was much slower than it had been previously. The girl was moaning, but trying not to be too loud. This continued for about 3 minutes before it came to a stop. Then came the cry, not quite ear piercing, but certainly surprising to Steve:

"Holy ****, you just **** on my dick!" Drunko exclaimed. Steve's eyes went wide as silver dollars, and it was everything he could do to keep himself from breaking out into roaring laughter. Within mere seconds, the smell of fresh human feces reached Drunko's nose, and combined with his drunkenness the smell quickly took Drunko into and past the gagging point. Drunko proceeded to expel the contents of his stomach squarely onto the back of this girl.

Steve heard Drunko barf, and could no longer hold himself back, he burst out into what would be considered full on ROFLMAO (Rolling on the floor, laughing my *** off). In fact, Steve was laughing so hard at the mishaps of the drunken couple below him, that he fell off of the bed and broke his left arm.
That was the end of the story as I heard it, but you can only imagine. Surely his broken arm was put into a hard cast of some sort. What the hell do you say to someone when they see it, point, and ask "What happened?"
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Old 02-06-2011, 12:05 PM   #3
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Nothing as extreem, but first person experienced: My fiancee since 2 years, GF since 8years and I had been together for about 6months. She still lived with her parents (she was 18 at the time, 7years younger then me) and one evening when both her parents where out, we started fooling around in her room. We ended up having some great sex and she made some great sounds and noises. Afterwards, I pulled on my jeans (and BOY am I grateful I did that!)and went to the kitchen to have some water. At the kitchen table, my father in law is sitting, reading the news paper. He had come home riiiight during the good part and we had been a bit too busy to notice. I prepared to die... but he is a pretty cool father in law, so I am still alive. GF refused to leave her room and meet her parents until the next morning.
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Old 02-07-2011, 11:05 AM   #4
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The story of losing my virginity:

My girlfriend and I had been dating for about 3 months when I had my HS graduation party at my parents place. We'd all been secretly drinking and both me and the GF were pretty housed when we all went to bed. Long story short, our teenage hormones couldn't be contained any more, and we took each others virginity in the hottest sex I've had in my life.

I awoke the next morning to see my mom standing outside on the porch and she looked like hell. I cautiously went up to her and said "You don't look so good.."

Her: "Yeah, I didn't get any sleep last night because you were ******* so loud."

That was the first time I've ever heard my mom say "****"
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Old 02-07-2011, 11:51 AM   #5
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really? the first time i heard it was something like "you're a little ******* bastard," when i was like 5 years old.
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Old 02-07-2011, 11:52 AM   #6
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Sounds like she was proud of her boy!
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Old 02-07-2011, 11:57 AM   #7
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I'm pretty balla. Haters gonna hate.
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Old 02-07-2011, 12:50 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Braineack View Post
really? the first time i heard it was something like "you're a little ******* bastard," when i was like 5 years old.
I used to always get "WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Maybe it was all the Ritalin.
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Old 02-07-2011, 02:29 PM   #9
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Had the cops called on me once by a neighbor for being too loud, pretty proud of that
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Old 02-07-2011, 03:07 PM   #10
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Caught in the act by my mom once, my dad twice, my sister once, which sucked because she was like 12.
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Old 02-07-2011, 03:09 PM   #11
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I could probably think of a lot of funny sex stories to share, but I'll share 2 of my favorites.

My ex of 5 years has a twin sister and we went to stay for a weekend with them at her sisters school. We stayed at her bf's dorm and chilled there for the night, drinking, a lot. I remember being shitfaced and everyone talking about the roommate that they hated and his room was the one we were sleeping in. I didnt know they guy, but they all said he was a dick and they hated him. Something about how ---- he was with everything being clean and organized too. Well we had us some sloppy drunk sex and I used his pillow case to wipe ourselves off before passing out. The next morning when we left I met the kid and shook his hand and said nice to meet you on my way out the door. lol

Another time I had a security guard pull up on me with the same girl in a corporate park. Butt *** naked and this guy ******* pulls up and comes up to the car with his flashlight. I could have knocked the guy out but lucky for him he was like 75 years old. I was so mad that he actually pulled up on us like that and came right up to the window. He didnt even give us a minute so she could get off me. He literally bum rushed us.
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Old 02-07-2011, 03:34 PM   #12
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When I worked at Wally World (in high school) a friend of mine and myself where preforming the BS task of "Cleaning the lot" where we would walk around outside throwing **** into a garbage bag with the intent of waisting as much time as possible. When we neared the bottom of the very public parking lot (in the middle of the day) I noticed a mid sized 80's shitbox covered in confederate flag stickers 50' away, rocking from side to side, with a fat couple inside goin at it. The guy looked up and must of saw us because he tried to duck and hide and the rocking stopped. We stood there for a good 10 minutes laughing, eventually leaving the area. We found a spent comdom there the next day.
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Old 02-07-2011, 03:49 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vashthestampede View Post
My ex of 5 years has a twin sister and we went to stay for a weekend with them at her sisters school.
the story should have gone somwhere better than it did after this.
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Old 02-07-2011, 03:51 PM   #14
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A girl once woke up my brother when she quiffed while cumin.
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Old 02-07-2011, 04:16 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by y8s View Post
the story should have gone somwhere better than it did after this.
Trust me, I tried the entire time I dated her to make that happen. Her sister and I flirted, sometimes. I really didnt like her much. One night I did flat out ask her if I could bang both of them. She wasn't having any of that.

My one crazy ex wanted to have a threesome with my ex before her. Unfortunately for me my previous ex was disgusted and said no way. I actually thought I had a chance at that one, but it never happened.

I have another story to share actually. This one is more recent. A girl I was dating 2 summers ago was a FREAK. She asked me one night to tie her up and **** her. Well, I never did that and wasn't really sure I wanted to. We went out to dinner that night and she was all done up sexy as ****. She kept putting pressure on me hinting around in the restaurant that she wanted me to, like that night.

Somehow I got myself to actually run out in the garage and cut some rope when we got back. I wasn't exactly excited about it but I figured what the ****, I'll try this ****. Well I tied her hands and feet like she wanted me too and she started squirming around making it hard to actually do it. I asked her what the **** was she doing and her response was "it has to be fun". I tried like hell to enjoy myself with it, but after some mouthfucking and looking at her tied up all I could think about was her dad seeing her wrists all red. lol

She was a great girl but after that night I was really thrown off. I couldn't get it out of my head. We had fucked plenty of times before that night, but just the mental image was too much. I eventually broke up with her after taking her longboarding and she wore pads and a helmet. She was crazy pissed when I told her that was the reason why I couldn't date her anymore.
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Old 02-07-2011, 05:04 PM   #16
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Besides having my dick **** on and puked on, I don't really have much to contribute.

I have fucked in the miata, hardtop on.

I enjoy period sex.

I have (with 2 buddies) run train on a hoe.

That's about it, I'm lame.
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Old 02-07-2011, 05:14 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vashthestampede View Post
Trust me, I tried the entire time I dated her to make that happen. Her sister and I flirted, sometimes. I really didnt like her much. One night I did flat out ask her if I could bang both of them. She wasn't having any of that.

My one crazy ex wanted to have a threesome with my ex before her. Unfortunately for me my previous ex was disgusted and said no way. I actually thought I had a chance at that one, but it never happened.

I have another story to share actually. This one is more recent. A girl I was dating 2 summers ago was a FREAK. She asked me one night to tie her up and **** her. Well, I never did that and wasn't really sure I wanted to. We went out to dinner that night and she was all done up sexy as ****. She kept putting pressure on me hinting around in the restaurant that she wanted me to, like that night.

Somehow I got myself to actually run out in the garage and cut some rope when we got back. I wasn't exactly excited about it but I figured what the ****, I'll try this ****. Well I tied her hands and feet like she wanted me too and she started squirming around making it hard to actually do it. I asked her what the **** was she doing and her response was "it has to be fun". I tried like hell to enjoy myself with it, but after some mouthfucking and looking at her tied up all I could think about was her dad seeing her wrists all red. lol

She was a great girl but after that night I was really thrown off. I couldn't get it out of my head. We had fucked plenty of times before that night, but just the mental image was too much. I eventually broke up with her after taking her longboarding and she wore pads and a helmet. She was crazy pissed when I told her that was the reason why I couldn't date her anymore.
Obviously you should of smacked her harder to get her to quit moving.
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Old 02-07-2011, 05:59 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bond View Post
Besides having my dick **** on and puked on, I don't really have much to contribute.

I have fucked in the miata, hardtop on.

I enjoy period sex.

I have (with 2 buddies) run train on a hoe.

That's about it, I'm lame.


Quote:
Originally Posted by shuiend View Post
Obviously you should of smacked her harder to get her to quit moving.
The man knows his ****
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Old 02-07-2011, 06:56 PM   #19
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Back in college I was spending a lot of time hanging out with a couple at their apartment. I'd hang out over there and we'd watch movies or TV or play video games and drink. She was bipolar crazy out of her ******* mind. And her mother (who was divorced) taught her to be hostile and/or passive aggressive towards men. Often times when the guy wasn't there, and sometimes when he was but was asleep in the other room, we'd **** with the voracity of rabid wolves.

One night when he was out of town I tied her tight little blond body, spread eagle, to the four corners of the bed. Since she was an impossible little bitch who loved to fight I decided to torment her. I went to the kitchen and selected a couple of large rectangular ice cubes from the tray in the freezer. I had bound her quite tautly where she had little room for movement so when I started moving the ice cube from her elbow down the inside of her upper arm all she could do is writhe and squirm... and curse and threaten, which made it that much more pleasurable. I gently dragged the ice through her armpit and across her breast, circling her nipple and making it stand erect. Then, under great clouds of verbal assailment I eased it across her belly as she tried to withdraw it back from the ice. I paid no small amount of attention to the delicate flesh of her upper inner thighs, cool water running away from the cube and down into the sheets. And then just touching her clitoris, which was followed by more cursing and a look of vicious hatred. So I laughed a little and quickly pushed the two ice cubes deep into her *****. Then I climbed on her and cold fucked the ho with great menace.

Never did that before or since. And she came back for more the next day. Some girls like it rough and weird. Don't judge.
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Old 02-07-2011, 07:10 PM   #20
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Quote:
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I have fucked in the miata, hardtop on.
Damn, didn't think that was possible but I've never thought of trying that. But a surprisingly ideal position is her sitting on the windshield header with her feet on the roll bar and you standing on the seats.
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